Day 14 - the dirty details

Last night I went out to a fabulous dinner with my mom and some of her old Whitehead Institute colleagues. This occasion was a social one involving good food, drink, and conversation. I headed into this dinner knowing full well that I wasn't going to partake in the "drink" part of the event and was ok with that. Of course, the minute I looked at the drink menu and saw the beautiful gin martini in front of my mom, that changed. Luckily, once again, Gina saved me. Her key advice was, "You are stronger than your cravings."

Yeah, but when am I going to be able to do this on my own, without needing to text someone for an intervention????!!!!!

The question is not that simple. I have had a long and turbulent history with food. At some point it became clear that I was not built like a small-framed, delicate-ankled, narrow-shouldered girl. There were only two buckets for size - fat and skinny. I was considered FAT. I internalized that and was reminded constantly by anyone who felt like they had to share their opinion with me. I used to binge and the purging was not the standard. Instead I would starve myself for a day or take laxatives. I used to encourage my "skinny" friends to eat cake in front of me while I watched. There was a sense of accomplishment in having that control over myself...

There was an 8 year period where I basically stopped giving a shit about my weight and health. The first half of that was college. I (the total anti-smoking campaigner) took up smoking during that time. Talk about indulging all the serotonin and addiction centers of the brain.

Anyhow, I had a "born again" event and that was going to massage therapy school in 2000. There, I learned of the diet Body-for-Life, by Bill Phillips. This plan basically pairs carbohydrates and protein for every meal and prescribes 6 small meals a day instead of 3. Also key to the plan is exercising 6 days a week - alternating weight and cardio days. The best part of the diet is the that the 7th day is a total free day - no exercise and no food restrictions. I was able to lose 30 pounds following the plan and have been able to keep within 5 pounds of that weight for just over a decade (except when I played rugby). I think I've gotten comfortable over the years - exercising enough to support my drinking/eating habits. Mind you, I gravitated during this time to friends and sports that incorporated (or required?) drinking as part of the social experience AND I was trying to treat my newly diagnosed rheumatoid arthritis on my own. Of course I have an emotional attachment to drinking, socializing, and the heartbreak of my body turning on me.

I'm reminded that the title of this blog Outside of the comfort zone is appropriate. I am at times, truly uncomfortable. I also have to remind myself that this is a process and that changing my lifestyle and eating habits does take strength, help, and patience. I know full well that once I get past this first 30 days things will get easier. Already, things are easier. I am still attached to my cravings, but I am not my cravings. I am stronger than my cravings.