Transitions Are Hard

We're sitting here with our new smart T.V. listening to the Harry Potter sound track from Spotify on my iPhone. My, my how technology has changed since I was a kid. Where are my mix tapes?

Anyway, I've been thinking about change. I am a person who needs frequent change. Committing to the process without a sign that it is resulting in good things is hard for me. For example, I've been counting macros for the last year and a half. I've been working with a coach since August 2017. I've lost 20 pounds, which has been a good result. I hear about people doing this program raving about how great they feel. They are PRing left and right in the gym. They are free for the first time from the constant pulls of gravity and food.

I've learned a lot. I have a love/hate relationship with this journey. At times it is free and easy. Mostly that happens when I hit my numbers. Why? Because I'm "good". I'm motivated by the fact that I hit the mark for the day/week. Regardless, I haven't felt those awesome feelings people have experienced. I haven't PR'd in the gym. The most recent cut has been dominated by a 3 month illness, 2 rounds of antibiotics, back pain, and a lost period. I've felt "off" to put it lightly. Also, the daily weighing shows me that if I stray even slightly from the daily allotment of carbs, it will take days and days to recover. So what is this all for anyway?

Originally it was to cut a weight class. The ultimate focus for me now is that I want to feel good. I want to move with ease and without pain. I'm not sure that a life without pain is an option for me anymore. It is a reality I need to come to terms with. Learning methods to ignore the pain is what I will spend 2019 focusing on. At the same time, continuing to move my body and exercise is important to me.

I have turned counting macros and weight loss into another "self loathing" activity. I quit drinking in June in an effort to "love myself more" and instead of completely changing the habit, I replaced it with ice cream. Why? Because it fit my macros. I haven't chosen the most healthy foods over this most recent journey. It was the only way I could hit my 1500 daily calories and still justify making it to the gym.

This isn't sustainable for me any more. My health is at risk. My mental health is at risk. It is time for a change. It's time for the macros counting end game.

Tomorrow, I set out on a Whole30 challenge. This will be black and white. The choices are whole foods, no sugar, no legumes, no alcohol, no dairy, and no grains. My goal on this - good food choices and an ongoing effort to improve my daily well being. I will be documenting my food and adventures on Instagram under the name "imdrivingthebus". I still have time left with my coach, so this will all be done with macros - but the focus isn't on hitting them. The focus is on how I feel.

Creating my own life - what a concept??

I've talked a shit ton about struggle on this blog. It seems like it is my outlet for being on the "struggle bus" as of late. I'm kind of tired of my own vibe in that regard...

The bottom line is that I want to be good to myself. I want to make decisions that remove any sort of self-doubt, self-sabotage, self-flagellation, self-hatred...self-(insert negative word). I want to do a good job at work, and engage in a fulfilling and exciting life outside of work, full of adventure. I feel stifled in that "adventure" part. There is this habit loop whereby the week is structured and full and the weekends are empty and (I'm sorry to say it) boring. In the past, I've equated adventure with alcohol. I think it started when I lived in Atlanta. There were many nights where I would go to the bar alone and meet all kinds of people because I was more outgoing and relaxed when drinking. People were the same. It was a way to connect. Then we would have porch socials. The scene was small enough that some of that would exist beyond the bar. There was a whole community focused around alcohol and food and music. Those were some of the best days and memories of my life.

I want to connect with others and experience things. I've had this happen at CrossFit gyms, yoga studios, and other torturous exercise facilities. In those environments, we connect on some other form of reality and then retreat back to our regularly scheduled program. You might tell me "that is life." I disagree. I have this friend, Liza. She is constantly doing stuff - crazy stuff. I think sometimes she is irresponsible with money. She doesn't drink. She loves people and doesn't give a shit what they think about her. She's taken her hobbies and made them her life. There is a certain amount of energy required to carry some of this stuff forward. I don't know if it starts as a big idea in her head, or just grows into something as time goes on and she gets more people involved. Regardless, she's done several things that would be defined as "life time" experiences.

I do have a certain level of dissatisfaction with the current cycle of life. I also have a young child at home and have to respect the need for consistency. That said, I would also love for him to grow up outside of that cycle. I'd love for him to experience more adventure and connection with others.

One of the things I feel like I lack around all of this is energy. The energy to plan. The energy to carry out. Just walking around at the Ecotarium the other day was exhausting. Do I need carbs? Hahahaha... so there are two things I would like to focus on - improving energy and having more adventure. Next, I will figure out what those two ideas look like in my life.

Excuses to Sabotage Yourself

I've been on my current cut for 16 weeks. The progress is slow, oh so very slow. My reasoning for this most recent cut was originally two fold. I had purchased an extra 24 weeks that I needed to use, and I had totally derailed my "maintenance" phase into an "all you can consume" phase. During that craze I spent much of my time wrapped up in self loathing. This cut was an attempt to get things back under control and to focus on making decisions in the name of self love.

I did great for the first 13ish weeks or so. I've been on a bender of crazed thinking as of late. See, I got sick 10 weeks ago and still haven't shaken it. I did a round of antibiotics and sorry for the details, but there is still some foul smelling/tasting stuff stuck up in my sinuses. It comes out whenever it wants to, whether I'm prepared or not. No fever or anything, but my energy has been limited. Also, around the same time, I stopped having my period. I know this is a fairly normal occurrence for lean women who work out 4x a day. Me -no. I've been regular my whole life - except for that time when I was 14 and weighed 126 pounds and ate barely anything. Coach said it could be due to low calories. Also around the same time, I realized that most of the exercise I was doing was killing my back. Thus all things squat and deadlift have been eliminated - which means that I am not really training for anything, even though I'm working out at a power lifting gym. Lastly, my wife and I now work at the same place and the ONLY reason we would drive separately is so that I can go to the gym.

Finding motivation and energy to work out, let alone life right now is a challenge.

I recently broke through a plateau and hit the 140s. It's been a LONG time since I've been in the 140s. Couple this with my motivation struggles and I'm thinking that anything below 150 is unsustainable. So why even try anymore?? Insert lots of ice cream, blowing  macros out the window, probably a subsequent scale increase to reinforce how unsustainable 148 is. Then spend 2 weeks trying to get back to 148 and struggle the whole time having this cyclical conversation over and over again. Gah.

I'm at a crossroads. It's either time to buckle down and own it, or it is truly time to quit. I wanted to see if I could hit the 140s. It was never an actual goal to stay there. Perhaps it should be and I should stop being such a little cry baby who wants to quit when things get hard.

More first world problems...

Funny that my last post talked about how positive my relationship with training/exercise is becoming... Time for flipside.

My head is in a negative tailspin after riding on a high for months. The key to my happiness, apparently, is having my diet and alcohol consumption under control. If I can't control myself, after all, how do I trust myself? I made the decision 120 days ago to only make choices that encourage self love. I was tired of beating myself up. It worked, for a time.

I'm on a downward spiral at the moment. I want to blame it on hormones. Maybe it is. Regardless, having been sick and unable to train was fine while I was sick. Now I'm suffering from an (another) identity crisis and am unmotivated to go to the gym. Reasons: 1.) I joined with the excitement of trying out my first power lifting competition. Apparently I needed a reminder that squats and deadlifts do not make my body feel good. In fact, nothing about the programming was making me feel good. We've since adjusted. I feel better, but what is the training now for? 2.) It is a power lifting gym that coins the phrase, "Train with a Purpose." WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? It's challenging, but not fun and I don't feel connected to others. 3.) Other than the powerlifters, there are a bunch of really great athletic high school baseball players. I just don't see where my demographic is. The 44 year old woman, crushed that she can't keep up with the youngin's or compete in the strength competitions she wants to.

Pull out your tiny violins please...

So, workouts need to be fun, at least - right? I tried out another local CrossFit gym yesterday. I hate CrossFit, it's true. But I felt at home. (To this day I still feel like paleo is the best food composition for me.) It's true, I drank the Kool-Aid. I see my people at CrossFit. People who have to work for a living and just want to be in shape. I guess that is who I am. I'm not a competitive athlete...anymore. I'm just trying to stay fit and have fun while doing it. I'd love to find some like-minded community.

On a separate note - where do the non-drinkers work out??? Why does the idea of work hard/play hard exist so intrinsically in the world. It is ingrained in my work and fitness? Why does "play hard" include drinking? 

Exercise

I have been active my whole life. Up at sunrise and on my bike. Initially it was an activity, something to occupy my time that was outside of the house. Movement made me happy. Then it became sport. Exercise was core to being a competent team member. It supported the goals of stamina and technical expertise. At some point it became a way to abuse myself, to try to burn calories eaten, to purge myself of the burdens put in my mouth. Eventually exercise again became a way to take care of myself and enjoy movement, sweat, and the burst of endorphins....

I think over the last decade or so it has been a way to prove to myself that my body is still capable and able. Fuck rheumatoid arthritis. Fuck joint pain. Fuck back pain. Pound, pound, pound, pound. Keep up with others. In trying to keep up, it became a necessity. It "negated" all the stress I was putting myself under - like drinking and all the attached mental anguish. Problem is that it just further stressed my body to the point where I now have back pain 24/7. I won't "woe is me" anymore about the back pain or how I got here, but the reality is that I cannot push through it anymore.

The majority of the last two weeks have not included exercise. Granted I've been traveling and sick, but there are a few things I've noticed. It is important to listen to and trust your body vs. your head sometimes. I have had trust issues with myself. The pain is always there whether I move or I don't, however some things hurt less than others. I want to do more of the things that hurt less. My cardiovascular fitness is crap right now. I want to work on that.

I've worked on changing my relationship with myself over the last year, under some pretty crazy circumstances and life changes. It only makes sense that I would be working on my relationship with exercise and fitness. 

Day 90 and onward

I committed to a 90 day alcohol free challenge. Today is day 90. (Insert "happy dance," "I did it dance," and any other celebratory dance you care to do.) I've learned quite a few things about myself along the journey. Some of which are:

• I still prefer to go to bed early and wake up early.
• The drive to exercise isn't as strong, as I'm not making up for calories ingested.
• I love coffee even more.
• I'm so much more confident without booze than with. 
• Pain doesn't go away even when you don't drink and make really great, healthy life decisions, (more on this in a bit). 
• My deadpan sarcasm is back with a vengeance. 
• I don't compare myself to others any more. 
• I laugh more. 
• I sleep better and wake up with a better internal dialogue. 
• I still have fun in social situations when everyone is drinking. In fact, as people get more tipsy and drunk, it becomes even funnier to me. 
• Weight doesn't magically melt off when you don't drink, like I was hoping it would. 
• I don't ruminate...as much.
• I crave beer more, even though I haven't been an avid beer drinker in years. 
• Most importantly, I don't beat myself up incessantly. 

In any case, I was debating a bit about what life after 90 days would look like. I think I'm still going to continue on this journey. There have been so many benefits, and getting off the "work, drink, make bad food choices, exercise, sleep" hamster wheel has truly created a lot of brain space. I am grateful for it all. 

My suggestion to people who are struggling and can't seem to get out of their own way. Find that thing in your life you keep wanting to change. Maybe it's something you find yourself doing when you've had a shit day. Maybe it's something you crave or use as an escape. Does it build you up, or tear you down? Does it foster self-love or self-loathing? If the latter of either of those two -get rid of it. Try life without it and see what happens. Build yourself up. You're the only one who can. If you don't like something, quit complaining and change it. 

Not cool enough

I joined One Year No Beer for a 90 day alcohol free challenge. I'm currently on day 64 and am not sure I'm going back. I've learned some things about myself over the last couple of months.

Growing up, I never felt quite like I fit in. I wasn't part of a clique and any time I got close to one, I found myself wanting out. While I was an athlete in high school, my team wasn't my clique. Except for a couple people, we were not close off the field or court. I had maybe 2 or 3 good friends and even in junior high, those friends proved to be vicious. My perception of the rejection was because I was never girly enough, awake after 9pm enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or cool enough.

There were several points along my life where I made decisions about who I wanted to be. In 5th grade I started wearing what I thought were boys clothes - jeans, boots and sweaters. I started stealing (because that's what boys did), and smoking cigars under the train tracks. That summer before 6th grade I cut my own hair, really, really short. In 8th grade, I decided I didn't need anyone and I was going to wear my home made stuff - mainly tie dye and home made bracelets. In 9th grade, I lost some weight and started wearing skirts. That lasted only a short time, though -- the skirts, that is. That year, I also developed an eating disorder which ended when I got mononucleosis. (Funny enough, that year I got the most approval from my immediate family. I was finally the "girl" they wanted.)

Yeah, I still wasn't cool. My college roommate opened the door to let me into  our dorm, took one look, huffed and turned her back. She moved out a week later after having all her boyfriends call and harass me. I never really related to my own age group. They were suffocating and obnoxious. I didn't fit in, until I started drinking.

I loosened up. I was funny and uninhibited. Albeit, it took a while to develop a tolerance to alcohol. I kept working at it though. I found solace in being a bit altered. It wasn't eating and it became somewhat of a reward. Over the years, I used alcohol to fit in to other groups - rugby, CrossFit, consulting, other jobs, particular day-drinking friends, life... and even now, I'm in a new job and the joke of the day is how each person is going to end their day with the drink of their choice. When drinking, I would often hear about how funny and great I was buzzed.. How people loved me. I have besties made over days of drinking - drunken heart to hearts. People I thought I could relate to on all levels. People I thought would love me through it all.

Not drinking tears away the falsities and shows the flawed thinking. It also has made me acutely aware of my awkwardness and not coolness. I'm hesitant to tell people I don't drink, for fear of not being invited to...you name it. For fear of not fitting in, not being cool enough.

This is where I currently am on this journey. It's ok though. I'm super cool to my wife and son. I feel good in the mornings. I can make good, sober food choices. I am learning a ton about myself. My mind is clear. I can trust myself to follow through and I'm making choices that ultimately build me up, rather than tear me down.

The Agreements

It just happened. A real life example of using one of the lessons from the book, The Four Agreements. How many of you out there have read this book? The Agreements are simple and if used, can eliminate a good deal of suffering.

I JUST USED ONE!! The second Agreement. "Don't take anything personally." Well, actually at first I took something personally. Then I remembered the book and I stopped taking it personally. How freeing.

But seriously, the book talks about how selfish it is to take things personally. Me, me, me! My gut reaction was to take that personally. LOL!!! Guess I have some work to do. Knowledge is power and awareness is key.

Opportunity knocks, or it doesn't

We learned a fascinating lesson this year. What you want to happen doesn't always happen. I know that sounds like common sense, but hear me out.

We decided we were going to move to Atlanta this spring. We set up a timeline and I started looking for work. I have confidence and am good at what I do, so I didn't think it would take long. Almost immediately I landed an interview for what I thought would be the perfect job. I normally love interviews. They give me a chance to strut my stuff and learn about the people I'm talking with and the institution they are working for. I won't bore you with all the details, but they asked me about the NIH institutes and their acronyms. Seriously??? I can find that stuff on the interwebs. Not only could I not answer their questions, I also gave the wrong name for one of the acronyms. The HORROR!!

I walked away from that interview a little less confident and without a job.

Now it shouldn't have mattered as there are three major institutions of higher education down there - all of which are research intensive. There are a million research administration jobs. I should know, I applied for all of them. I also went to a professional conference and landed a van ride back to the airport with the VP for Research at one of them. She told me they were hiring and that there were tons of positions. So I sent her my resume when I got home.

Ask me how many calls I got? Crickets. Not one.

In the meantime, the wifey got a promotion at work and was fast tracked into the management program. The Universe was speaking to us.

So here we are, still in Massachusetts - shifting, growing, learning and staying in a liberal state that supports my family. 

Here's to all the new adventures that await us.

Work day blues

Why must work be so excrutiatingly ____? (You fill in the blank.)
Why do I feel so stuck in this career?
How on earth could I make a career shift and still make enough to cover our bills?
How do I make this job better?

I don't have the answer to any of these questions, but this has been a problem that has plagued me for years and years. I jump around hoping that something will stick or click. Only the problem isn't with the job, right? It's with me.

Self help books tell me to change my point of view. Choose happiness over negativity. Negotiate a new position. Change my scenery. Make sure I'm using my free time doing enjoyable things. Continue to put in high quality work. On and on and on....

The truth is that I want a supportive environment. I want to work with people who have similar interests and goals. I want to know what my boss' goals are. What am I working toward and how am I being supported? I want to engage with others, not as the Lone Ranger, but as part of a larger network within. That is the nature of my work. I can't do what I do any other way.

This is my opportunity to make opportunity. I can venture off the property of my work and engage with others in my field. I can write goals for each day and work to complete three of them. I can break things down into smaller pieces and figure out how each piece fits onto the next.

Or, I could just move on.