Transitions Are Hard

We're sitting here with our new smart T.V. listening to the Harry Potter sound track from Spotify on my iPhone. My, my how technology has changed since I was a kid. Where are my mix tapes?

Anyway, I've been thinking about change. I am a person who needs frequent change. Committing to the process without a sign that it is resulting in good things is hard for me. For example, I've been counting macros for the last year and a half. I've been working with a coach since August 2017. I've lost 20 pounds, which has been a good result. I hear about people doing this program raving about how great they feel. They are PRing left and right in the gym. They are free for the first time from the constant pulls of gravity and food.

I've learned a lot. I have a love/hate relationship with this journey. At times it is free and easy. Mostly that happens when I hit my numbers. Why? Because I'm "good". I'm motivated by the fact that I hit the mark for the day/week. Regardless, I haven't felt those awesome feelings people have experienced. I haven't PR'd in the gym. The most recent cut has been dominated by a 3 month illness, 2 rounds of antibiotics, back pain, and a lost period. I've felt "off" to put it lightly. Also, the daily weighing shows me that if I stray even slightly from the daily allotment of carbs, it will take days and days to recover. So what is this all for anyway?

Originally it was to cut a weight class. The ultimate focus for me now is that I want to feel good. I want to move with ease and without pain. I'm not sure that a life without pain is an option for me anymore. It is a reality I need to come to terms with. Learning methods to ignore the pain is what I will spend 2019 focusing on. At the same time, continuing to move my body and exercise is important to me.

I have turned counting macros and weight loss into another "self loathing" activity. I quit drinking in June in an effort to "love myself more" and instead of completely changing the habit, I replaced it with ice cream. Why? Because it fit my macros. I haven't chosen the most healthy foods over this most recent journey. It was the only way I could hit my 1500 daily calories and still justify making it to the gym.

This isn't sustainable for me any more. My health is at risk. My mental health is at risk. It is time for a change. It's time for the macros counting end game.

Tomorrow, I set out on a Whole30 challenge. This will be black and white. The choices are whole foods, no sugar, no legumes, no alcohol, no dairy, and no grains. My goal on this - good food choices and an ongoing effort to improve my daily well being. I will be documenting my food and adventures on Instagram under the name "imdrivingthebus". I still have time left with my coach, so this will all be done with macros - but the focus isn't on hitting them. The focus is on how I feel.