The Warm Feelies

This time of year is always hectic. Which is funny because it holds such warm feelies in my belly and most things "hectic" do not. I feel sad for all the people out there that do struggle during the holidays. I know it can be a cold and lonely place at times. That said, it is a warm and fuzzy place for me.

Work is crazy - but for the first time all year, there is an end in sight - a two(ish) week reprieve. On the other side of the break are all the things I'm going to accomplish in the New Year. The promise of a fresh start. Everything that was, is no longer. There promise and potential in the New Year that doesn't exist any longer in the now. That is work...

When I was a kid my family used to live fairly close to one other - all congregated in the midwest. We were lucky to be able to all come together to celebrate. There was the tradition of making and decorating cookies... the infamous Dolly Parton cookie. Yes, the walnuts were used as boobs. Also, we used to do a cheap gift exchange. This was great for me, because my feeling about gifts has always been to give something of me, to you. Unfortunately this isn't the expectation on the other end sometimes, but when I was a kid I would make bracelets or tie dye t-shirts for my family members. One of the greatest things about our visits was that it would be multiple generations. My grandmother, my mother and her siblings and us, the kids.


So this year is the first time in probably the last 30 years that we're getting together for this type of feel good holiday. 24 of us. Yes, we've grown to be 24. We lost our grandmother back in 1991, but have gained 3 daughter-in-laws, 1 uncle's husband, 1 cousin's husband (not sure what you call that), and 10 children ranging from 2.9-18 years of age. This is an amazing opportunity to refresh our  relationships, to share ourselves and our children with each other.  I am excited for Christmas, "the holidays" because for me, it is all about family, love, friends and well, of course, food!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!


 

Purple hair

I don't know where the idea came from -- oh yeah, Pintrest. I was looking at hairstyles because I was due for a haircut. Then, I looked at hair colors and came up with a brilliant idea to put "plum" in my hair. I was thinking red plum - still in the "normal" hair color spectrum. Instead, I got purple plum. This was PURPLE, bright purple. My stylist gave me the option for lavender as a way to ease into the color. I was so determined to be bad ass and go all or nothing. So....this is what I got....

I wasn't sure if I liked it or not, so I went to yoga. I went to yoga because I'm forced to look in a mirror. I figured if I could ever get used to it, it would be during 90 minutes of staring at myself. I'm going to cut to the chase, by the end of that class, I knew I needed to get rid of it. I'm a blond. All I could see in the mirror was dark. Dark, dark hair. No blond.

So my stylist left me with a little tidbit before I left the salon - I could use dish soap to remove the purple. Which I tried...and tried...and tried. I also looked up other ways to remove the color on Pintrest. I tried chlorine removal shampoo and baking soda. Each wash removed some color, but not much, not enough.

So I ventured to work on Tuesday with my purple hair, stressed and anxious that I had made a terrible mistake. My boss would think I was going to be a bad representative of the office, or my peers wouldn't listen to me because all they could focus on was my hair None of which happened... most people said they liked it. My boss said he liked it and then laughed at me each time he walked past my office. Even with approval, I still didn't like it.

Finally, on Thursday after 5 days or 120 hours, I returned to the salon. She warned me that she likely wouldn't be able to remove the color but that she would lighten it to the lavender we had originally discussed. After 5 minutes with bleach, it removed the color. Now, I am a blond with some lavender and purple highlights.

Anyway, I think the whole experience is fascinating. FASCINATING. FAS-fricken-NATING! I like to think I'm so rock star, so alternative. I have limits. LIMITS. I'm glad I tried though. Another experience outside of my own comfort zone.

Love them all the same

One would think by the title of this post that I'm going to be talking about animals, or children. No, I'm going to be talking again about olympic lifts.

My coach told me a little story that I may, or may not get perfectly right. An Olympian was asked which of his medal performances was his favorite. He said that he couldn't choose one. That would be like choosing one child over another -- which my coach then said to me, in the middle of clean training, "you have to love them both the same."

Yes, he was talking about snatching and clean and jerks. When I started focusing on olympic weightlifting as my primary "thing", my reasoning was to clean up my snatch (insert joke here). I felt/feel like it is my weakest lift....and you know what? That paradigm shows up when I lift. The mechanics behind the first parts of both the C&J and the snatch are the same. The only difference is the grip width. So why do I have such a hard time with the snatch and not as hard a time with the C&J?

Who knows? At this point, I think the only thing I can really shift is my paradigm about snatches. Change my story, my perspective, and my approach. 

Things

I often think back on all the "things" I've acquired (and wasted money on) in an effort to fully immerse myself in whatever my obsession of the day is. For example: trying to get myself re-certified as a massage therapist. I spent oodles of money on a class, another massage table and books. For what? Now I want to sell the books and the massage table and am having a hard time doing it. Anyone want a massage table?

Then there is the whole coaching crossfit thing. Through that, I have spent tons of money on various certifications and books - oh the books. Now, I don't want to say it was all a waste. Definitely not. I think I could have been a touch more discerning though. Like, did I really have the time to do the NSCA certification or the NASM? Was I really going to use the FMS certification? Really?

Then there is Olympic Weightlifting...and the bar...and the shoes....and... Oh and Tai Chi. I had to have all the books and videos. Also, I have all the diet books out there - trying to improve myself by eliminating my rheumatoid arthritis and increasing my lean muscle mass. I've tried paleo, Eat to Perform, RP Strength, the Lupus diet, Scarsdale, the all protein diet from that guy who died of a heart attack...and oh and my favorite diet - Fit for Life. (Granted that did change my life...honestly.)

I took so many classes trying to move myself in a different direction. Classes that I finished or didn't, and that didn't move me any closer to whatever I was chasing after. I immersed myself in the Landmark cult. I wanted to make a difference in the world, one culty sales pitch at a time. I even learned a new language from Landmark and started speaking it (in tongues) to anyone who would listen.

I've bought tickets to concerts I didn't attend. I've RSVP'd to events I've paid money for and not attended. I've made excuses and wasted money time and time again.

Now, I'm at a point where dollars matter. I don't have a disposable income to play around with. This is illuminating, scary and enlightening. Additionally, I have a family that means more to me than anything. I would give up everything for them. No THING is going to fill any void. My family fills my heart. My family is me. We're now at a point where we think through this stuff a little more. We talk about the long term goals in more detail. We make decisions with purpose. Our decisions are much more rooted around experiences and bucket lists. Not that we're planning on kicking the bucket...but seriously....

When I look back on my life. It's not the things I've acquired or carried through life. It's the experiences. The summers at Camp Crystalaire. The weeks on the deserted island in Wisconsin. The spring vacations on the panhandle of Florida - that we drove to. The bike rides in VT and the whale watching trip (where we saw 98 whales!!) off of the east coast. The drives to St. Louis on snowy highways with my parents yelling at other drivers "don't put on the brakes"!

"Things" are boring. I hope I can instill this in my son, eventually. He's really into collecting Thomas trains and Hot Wheel cars at the moment...

Six pack

I am tremendously grateful for CrossFit. My health journey led me to find this "sport of fitness". It has made me stronger and healthier. At times it has helped my body image -- like at the beginning when I was just starting out. I lost weight.

Over time though, I put on muscle, introduced a baby into my life, lost out on sleep and put on weight. My clothes all stopped fitting. You know the one thing about gaining weight that is most frustrating  --- it's all my fault. I let down my guard. I wasn't watching my intake or limiting myself enough. I let it happen. I lost control.

It is exhausting trying to maintain control over everything...

Here is the thing about CrossFit - the body image. There are these amazingly genetically gifted ladies out there who get six packs and definition just by looking at a weight. Then there are those that may be inclined to it and need to lose some of the weight hiding their muscles. Then there are the rest of us. It just isn't going to happen. We are not genetically inclined to ever get a six pack. Why do we need a six pack anyway?

But if they can have it, why can't I? It becomes the new thing women are trying to attain. Albeit better than the media - skinny, tall blah, blah, blah. At least these women are strong and have big thighs and arms. They have like zero body fat though!

For me, I will never get paid to do a sport. I may compete and I may win something - but it is out of fun, not my livelihood. I want to maintain 75kg for weightlifting and continue to train. I want to continue to improve my technique and increase my weights. I want to sleep and eat well and be in top shape for my daily responsibilities. I want to be successful in whatever I define success as - not what someone else does -- like a six pack.

Amen!
   

My first weightlifting competition

I did it! I competed at the Bay State Games in Olympic weightlifting. My first competition and I can tell you -- not my last. I had this on my bucket list of things to do in this lifetime and think this may have just been the start.

Let me tell you how awesome my coaches are. I wasn't sure how this would play out, being my first experience and all. Billy and Danielle ordered me around telling me exactly what I needed to do and where I needed to be. He was right by my side the whole time and if he wasn't there, Danielle was there.

Most people were up and moving around - practicing lifts waaaay before Billy even had me start stretching. He timed my warm up with my official lifts. I hit my opener, had about 3 minutes to rest and then approached the platform. In between I would either sit on a chair and rest, or practice a snatch or jerk with an empty bar, to stay warm.

I can't even express what it was like walking onto that platform for the first time. It was both nerve wracking and relieving. Like, I've been working for this since January! Time to do something with it! 6 days a week of training. LET'S DO THIS!!

So I did.... I went 3 for 3 on the snatch: 50, 53, 56 and 2 for 3 on the clean and jerk: 63, -67, 70. I broke the New England Master's records as well. I'm proudest of the last clean and jerk. Having missed the 67 I figured I'd just have to repeat it. Billy instead pushed me to 70 and had me practice aggressive jerks with the bar. I ended up doing a power clean and making the jerk look easy (video included). I'm excited to see progress and continue to work on the weaknesses.
  
Oh and I set out to make it to the 75kg weight class and dropped a little too much, weighing in at 72.4kg. People, that is 159 pounds. I haven't weighed that little since I was doing just yoga. More on that in another post...

What works for me - more on the Olympic lifting journey

I think finding the right CrossFit gym is like finding the right therapist, church, or mate. They are not created equal. Also, over time, one place may not meet your needs anymore. Sometimes it takes experimentation to find a new home.

I think it is important to go into these things having an idea of what you want. For me, it's a coach that pays attention on some level and has a genuine interest in my performance. Not an egotistical investment, but a desire to help me steadily improve and meet my goals. I put in the work, God knows.

The same goes for an Olympic lifting program. Injuries happen, but training doesn't need to stop entirely. There can be flexibility and accommodations. I've tried two different coaches now and appreciate aspects of both. The "aloof, intimidating, only interact on occasion with vague corrections" approach certainly leaves me to figure things out for myself, with very little on the spot pressure. That said, my form never got better. I used to always hear, "You're strong, you just need to work on your form." My response was always, "but when?" So that coach wasn't interested in helping me improve my form, I'm pretty sure. Just interested in...well, I'm not sure what he's interested in, but it definitely wasn't me. I get it. He's trained Pan American champions, Olympians, youth National champions, etc. He's been around the world training and learning from the best in the world and I'm a 40 something nobody. That said, as a master lifter (41) my training program was the same as the 20 something and 30 something year olds. My body got tired and started rebelling.The only modification was to lessen the load, not the movements or volume.

My current coach(es) started out very hands on and in my face. Admittedly I got really frustrated - to the point of tears. I was angry mostly that I had put in so much work and my form still sucked so bad. I had signed up with the Olympic lifting Master - so I thought. Many of the cues I heard from these coaches were the same as the other, but with far more description and instruction about what it means and how I was doing it wrong. That is how I learn.

Over the last month or so, my form has steadily improved. I can feel when I do things right and when I do things wrong. I have lots of work to do still. My programming was dialed back and I haven't approached the weights I had been lifting - but I'm sure I will surpass them in the future. My shoulder is still fussy. My knees feel better though, as does my back. I get the sense that these guys really do give a shit about my form and how much I lift. There is more pressure of course. They watch every movement I do and correct on the spot. Regardless, I feel like I have coaches who are looking out for me and my progress.

That said, I am grateful for both experiences. The volume, intimidation, struggle and all the time spent trying to up my game - Soviet style. Plus, I made a great friend - a 48kg bad ass lifter. In the meantime, I've found a great group of people to lift with on a regular basis at 849 CrossFit and Olympic Weightlifting  If you're in the market for something new - the Olympic lifting is top notch and the CrossFit programming is spot on.

Manifesting change

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. I spent my first couple of nights away from my toddler. He didn't handle it all that well. It took a while to recover.  It took me a while to recover as well.

I spent those nights away to surprise my buddies in Chicago and to help them move stuff. They've since journeyed across the country to their new home in California - all intact except for 3 fish.

Their adventure has me longing for change. I realize every time I want change, I get miserable. I get miserable because I realize there is no easy change. Nothing comes quickly - not these days, at least. The more I want change and the more I realize it doesn't come quickly, the more stuck I feel and that, folks, makes me sad. Sometimes I look for the quick fixes, the quick solutions. I'm here to tell you (or myself) that big changes take time.

They also take having a general goal or idea of what you want - which is another thing I/we lack. We (I am now including my wife in this discussion as I am not a one man show on life changes) know that if something amazing came up that we would jump on it. That said, I do really believe that we manifest amazing things in our life. So without knowing what exactly it is that we want to manifest, how will it show up? Does that make sense?

The general things are that we/I want to be able to provide for my family; keep a roof over our head and food in our bellies. I want Walker to feel and know love and never know deprivation. I want us to laugh and enjoy life; be in good health; and to continue to thrive as a family. We currently have all of this.

Next, I want a community, a small town or neighborhood (where you can walk to town), a comfortable home with a great kitchen where we can invite people over and have parties - a simpler life without so much "stuff". I don't want to have to guess about people. I want people to be straight forward and say what is on their minds. I want to have good friends who we know we can count on for anything - a village in fact. I want a good school for Walker, a safe space for him to continue growing into the man he will one day become... I want a place to settle, where I can say, "YES this is OUR place! I want to be here for a long while to watch my baby grow. I want to grow roots here and make this HIS place." The place he says he is from... Oh, and a good job with a very short commute for me.  

The first step is to know what you want. Just putting it out there....

Bar therapy

I tend to replay shit over and over again. The misunderstandings, the places the conversations turn, my errors, your bad habits, your lack of whatever...what ifs and possibilities of failure. This is a train with no tracks. I spin and spin round and round replaying and replaying...

Get me off this ride.

I step up to bar. My hands wrap around it, thumbs tucked in. Head up. Chest up. Use your legs. Arms loose. Finish the pull. Split to the side. 75% for 3. Then 80% for 3. Then 90% for 2.

My mind is calm and open as I move on to the next lift.

Heebee Geebees and Weightlifting

My first weightlifting competition is this weekend. I decided to make things extra hard for myself and try to get to the 75kg weight class. Mind you, I've been on a nutrition plan since March 23. My body comp has changed significantly, but the scale hasn't much. Now I'm down to the last 3 days before weigh in. I thought I wouldn't make it, but now I'm within 4 pounds. It is possible I believe.

I got some advice from a former wrestler...

• eat fish and leafy greens for every meal
• stay hydrated
• wear sweats when working out
• do a few more long metcons
• weigh myself every 6 hours

So there is that...

Then there is the lifting part, in front of a crowd, while wearing a singlet. Actually I'm a little excited about lifting. It really is a fear that I will make 0/6. It takes me back to my rugby days during nationals and we were playing Atlanta in Colorado Springs. I had just come back from a sprained ankle injury and was still somewhat in pain. I was paired up, as the outside center, against this outstanding Atlanta (and USA) player - Patty Jervey. Every fucking time she got around me. EVERY TIME. My teammates were pissed with me. I was pissed with me. I felt like I had let everyone down. I was crushed...

Life went on though and I lived to play a bit more rugby.

Why does that remind me of what is going to happen this weekend? I guess it is the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know there is really no one I'm going to let down on this, other than myself. I just want to succeed at something dammit! I've worked my ass off. My shoulder is sore though. I couldn't get 56 today and my opener is 57 on the snatch. My coach is trying to change up my clean a touch and that is messing with things. My opener for that is 72. What if I don't get those lifts???

Oh my god. I'm such a head case. If I learned anything from my cult days (a story for another day), it's that: "I'm scared. Ok... And, I'm going to go ahead and do this anyway." If I walk away without making any lifts, then it is a starting point. A place to grow from. 

Honestly

Honestly I am starting to FREAK OUT!!! This competition! And then I think about what really is at stake.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

Not one thing.

I guess the real stressor is wearing the singlet. Ha. Or not making weight.

I just got back from vacation. I think I've decided on this trip that life is about experiences. So...whether I compete once or 100 times, this is the beginning. A new experience, to put myself on the line. See what I can do.

May 23. That is all.

New Goals

Still shooting for 65 kg on the snatch - got 62 today.
I got 75kg on the clean and jerk today (previous goal was 70). New goal is 80kg.

That is all....

Goals - Breaking things down

At this point in my life I am focusing on a few things - my family, my work, and being healthy. Along with those things I'm trying to find balance, contentment and purpose in them all. Focusing on "being healthy" (in this post) involves many things - there is fitness, challenge, diet, skill, success, failure, sweat, tears, strength, endurance and among many other things, peace. One of the key facts is that exercise is a factor in finding that balance, for me.

I'm not sure what I was expecting. To walk on that wooden platform and magically lift 155lbs over my head with ease. To snatch perfectly each and every time? To make all of my attempts? Each success is built off of many failures. Many attempts. Many trials and errors. Some of these olympic lifters have been doing it since they were young. It is a part of who they are. I should know this. Just look at me when I started crossfit to now. I couldn't get past a 185 pound back squat. Now I throw 210 around for 5 reps. And that isn't where I'm going to stop. That is a number along the path of trial and error.

Ok - great. So now I know that I had unrealistic expectations for how successful I was going to be from the start. The next piece of the puzzle is contentment. The struggle of building strength is real. But where is the fun in it? For me, it is usually the connection to others going through the same struggle. I grew up playing team sports. We all were in it for the same overall goal - different individual reasons, but globally the same goal. There are others... but they are out there in an unconnected sort of way. So what are my personal goals?
Current attainable goals are as follows:
65 kg snatch
70 kg clean and jerk
Drop 4 kg


Right? In crossfit it was never - "I want to be a games competitor." It was, "I'm going to get 5 pull ups". Or, "I'm going to deadlift 290 pounds." Silly me. The struggle is the purpose. The struggle is the happiness. Without struggle there is no success.

I really need to focus on the journey more.

Struggle

"There is scarcely any passion without struggle.”
- Albert Camus

I'm sure it's a real shocker to hear that I am struggling...again. I'm wiggling and wobbling. I used to be so passionate about CrossFit. The challenges and mastery of skills. The conquering of the WOD. The new PRs. The 20 unbroken double unders. The clean diet. The paleo lifestyle. Then, the competitions. The accomplishments. Ho hum....

What direction am I going? Where will I end up?

Next interim goal is to tackle the platform at an Olympic lifting competition....

Finding the reason...(nope not there yet)

I have many reasons for doing the things I do. Some out of necessity and some out of comfort. For example, I commute day in and day out to my good job to support my family. My son needs diapers, food and clothes. My wife needs a house, heat and a nice bed (among other things). So the pain is worth it, as there is a reason for doing it.

I move because I have to. Exercise has been a necessity for me since my youth. It fights fatigue and provides me an outlet to manage stress. Over the years the type of exercise has changed - volleyball, softball, rugby, swimming, running, Bikram Yoga and CrossFit. One of the key attributes of each of these activities for me, is a mindlessness. At some point the mind and body dissociate. Breathing takes over, the mind shuts down and the body just does. That is where there is peace for me.

There has always been that stage of learning - figuring things out. I'm slightly obsessive, so I rerun things over and over in my mind until my body does it. This, of course, clogs my brain and causes me some anxiety. I'm realizing (through this activity of writing) that the training I'm doing with Risto doesn't have that mindless component yet. Every lift. Every movement. Every muscle. Every pull and push and squat and press. It all takes my brain to figure out. And the second it doesn't, I have pain...which brings me back into my brain and disrupts my breathing. 

There is nothing more frustrating for an athlete than pain.... Seriously....

I have options though, moving forward.... I signed up for a year with Risto, so I plan to complete my year. In the meantime:
1. I can incorporate more mindless activities - such as running, or crossift, or swimming.
2. I can stop being so obsessive about this training and try to just move. This might also be part of my block in mastering the movements.
3. I can try to take a step back and stop pressuring myself.
4. I can incorporate more meditation or yoga into my routine.

5. I can write more.

So these are all ways to cope with the change in training and to overcome the curve that is learning.

It's still not the reason for picking up Olympic Lifting as a sport at the age of 40...

Olympic Lifting drama

When I started CrossFit I was introduced to the "olympic lifts" - the "Snatch" and the "Clean and Jerk". (Yes, I'm sure men came up with the names of these movements.) In any case, I've had a small obsession with mastering them ever since. So...I decided to pair up with Risto Sports this year to try it all out....

This might be one of the hardest things I've done in all my life. For many reasons, some of which I'll capture here, and some of which I will probably leave out accidentally.

1. I started solely lifting for a reason. I've forgotten the reason exactly.
2. Training is full of volume, with low intensity (weights)...so they say. Sometimes those "light" weights are fucking heavy.
3. My body hurts. I have many reasons for this, but want to try to avoid making excuses.
4. The training is kind of boring. It is repetitive.
5. I love CFA, but they have no oly official lifting equipment. I am doing snatches with a 45# bar. Have you ever seen my thumbs? Hook is hard on that bar and my grip goes out after 115#.
6. Training is done alone, at the box, by myself, with myself...no external distractions... at 5:15 am... enough said.
7. I'm trying to lose weight to get into the next weight class. The average height of those in that weight class is 6 cm shorter than me. Those lucky bitches.
8. I have to wear a onsie or unitard to compete and I'm a modest son of a gun.
9. I want so badly to buy a 15kg bar, but 1. I'm kind of low on cash and 2. I want to make sure I stick with this. It seems slightly questionable at the moment.
10. There is a community in oly lifting that I am missing out on. Maybe I have to compete once with them to "join the club".
11. I'm 40, obsessive and have a family.
12. I wake up at night - 1:30 AM to be exact, obsessing over the clean and jerk, night after night.
13. When I get in the gym to practice my obsession, my shoulder hurts and nothing feels right.
14. My coach tells me I'm doing great... My "form is ok".... Hahaha. that's like a slap in the face.
15. I want to be great, but, once again, am feeling just ok.
16. This all reminds me of my first year playing softball. I was a catcher, on a slow pitch team. That means I was the worst player. I tried out for the traveling team that year and was devastated when I didn't make it. I stuck with it though and became really good. That first year though, was at the age of 7. 
17. I'm 40. What am I thinking?
18. If only I had a 15kg bar to train with.
19. Why the fuck won't this bar go over my head today? It did yesterday!!
20. Why am I doing this again?

Stay tuned into the drama that is my figuring out why the hell I'm doing this....?????

A little love (handles)

I have been a "crossfitter" for three and a half years now. In the new year I decided I wanted to spend more time on my olympic lifting. I paired up with Ivan Rojas and Gwen Sisto at Risto Sports in Maine. Ivan has coached a million excellent athletes and Gwen is an international lifter. This training is, well... repetitive. The Russian system focuses on volume, rather than intensity. I do the same movements for the most part day in and day out. There are no wall balls or burpees or deadlifts or pull ups. There is no "constantly varied" anything.

I posted a video on instagram today that I had to take down. My form was decent. I cleaned and then jerked 120# for 3 reps. The weight is manageable and I thought my split jerk was pretty fast. Even though the weight was manageable, I wore a belt. I tend to hinge forward on the clean and wanted to eliminate that.

All I could see was the love handles exploding out between the belt and my shorts... miles and miles of love handles. Miles and miles. I can hear my mom saying, "well that video wasn't very becoming". I had to take it down.

I guess that video was a good motivator. I'm ready to tackle the love handles. As my exercise changes, so must my diet.

Leader of the Pack

This week has been trying. Our Dexter got into the trash last Thursday and developed a blockage that required surgery on Saturday. Usually these surgeries are what fixes things. Among the eaten diapers and paper, the vet found a bamboo skewer in his digestive tract. This odd piece of trash ended up being his undoing.

My beloved wife was there for the entire surgery and witnessed all of the meticulous actions of the surgeon. They sewed him up and kept him overnight with a morphine patch and antibiotics. The next day he appeared really uncomfortable or disoriented, but stable. His temperature was good, there was no weirdness with the incision...etc. The assumption was that he needed to come home. We hopped in the car after what was a ridiculous 4th blizzard for the season to pick him up. It was clear while he was home that he wasn't well.

He wouldn't eat. The other dogs licked all the places he had been. He was uncomfortable. It wasn't good. We took him back to the vet. He had a fever, the incision was weeping and he had fluid in his abdomen. We needed to take him to a 24 hour care vet with an ultrasound so that we could see what kind of fluid this was.

They kept him overnight on fluids, pain meds and antibiotics. We got a call around 10 pm from the vet saying that the fluid had bad bacteria in it, which meant that he was septic - likely from a puncture somewhere along the digestive tract.  Aside from a $6000 surgery and a load of unnecessary hardship on the dog and us, there wasn't much we could do to solve the problem.

My poor Noodle. It was clear what we needed to do. I had to work because it was Feb vacation week and I was backing up a couple people, so I couldn't be there for the deed. I stopped in on my way to work to see him for the last time. I'll never forget. He was aware. He wagged his tail. He wanted to come with me.

I hugged and kissed him and told him I loved him.

There is now a giant sized hole in our family. The house is empty. That 60 pound dog took up so much space, not with his size, but his presence. He was the leader of the pack. The other dogs are lost and confused.

We will all be ok though. The hole will shrink. The dogs will start to play again. The snow will melt. Our hearts will heal. But for now, we are sad and mourning the loss of the leader of our pack. 

Erratic

So I finally closed the loop on something that was bothering me for a good portion of 2014. The meeting was really great, though I learned some interesting things.

Let me set up some background.

I had probably the most stressful job of my life, combined with the arrival of my son between 2012-2014. The job required that I be on the computer first thing in the morning, all day and last thing before bed. I was even "on call" during the birth of my son and the subsequent parental leave. To give you an idea of the environment - I was entitled to 4 weeks parental leave, which I took half of up front. I then took the second half on Fridays over the summer. At 4 months, Walker had to have surgery to open up a fused plate in his head to allow things to grow correctly. The executive director of my center asked me to use the last 2 weeks of parental leave during that surgery even though they were TWO SEPARATE EVENTS!!!!!

On top of all this, I was coaching CrossFit - which was/is a passion. Because I hated my job so much, I wanted more than anything to transition to coaching full time. There were a few problems with that though - 1) I am the primary bread winner. 2) I have the health insurance through my employer. 3) I make a lot of money and coaching full time would have been a huge pay cut.

CF was my get away - a place I could work out and help others to better themselves. What I think happened was that at some point the guy I worked for felt like I was drifting away. At that point, he stopped interacting with me on social media. (I hate that social media has any impact at all, by the way.) This guy though, in my mind, was family and a very good friend, so his lack of responding on FB to me was him drifting away from me -- which felt like a stake in the heart. I had been loyal and committed to coaching and supporting his business. In the interim, he changed his model and started treating me, a friend, like an employee - which was a further stake in the heart. In his mind, I was drifting away, so he stopped supporting any CrossFit related things on FB. Over the next 6 months or so the drift widened and I needed to figure out a way to make my life less stressful -- which ultimately resulted in leaving the CF I was coaching at.

In any case -- the meeting taught me that from his point of view - I was erratic or "unpredictable".

1) I was erratic in mood, direction, goals, scheduling, etc. Not ever in my coaching though. I was consistent and loyal and committed to the clients well-being. I don't think that is what we're talking about though.
2) I wasn't just an employee if I was considered erratic...
3) Some people aren't the people you tell everything to. My stress was palpable and unfortunately, this guy was super stressed too. I think together, it was too much.
4) He still cares. 

I feel relieved and grateful to be on the other side of this turmoil.

Catching up

As for goals... Ha ha, things never happen as fast as we like.

I've been playing around with the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) program for approximately 2 months now, with what feels like little results. At the turn of the new year, my feeling was that cutting out the alcohol would be the one factor that would change everything. Well, I haven't cut it out yet. I have incorporated those calories into the count and it screws up the ability to meet all the macros. I usually cut the carb calories to capture the alcohol. I'll get there though. The good thing is that my measurements haven't changed from what they were during the diet I did with Rita. So this is very, very good!! Also, about the IIFYM - I'm doing a cut, which means my calorie intake is about 1850 cal/day or a 500 calorie deficit from TDEE. This seems like a lot some days and not a lot other days. 

I competed in an RX team competition on January 11 - the CF Tri County Snow Down. Marisabel and I came in 8th out of 20 teams. I'm pretty happy with that finish. The amazing thing about the competition was that about 8 teams from my box competed - some for the first time. We had 4 teams make it to the finals and one team on the podium. It was such a great experience. I've signed up to compete at CF Iron Spider in a Cougars, Young Bucks comp with the guy who was my judge for the first comp I did where I dropped the barbell on my knee.

About my knee... we named the big bursa Bertha. I thought I was going to have her drained on the 12th, but the doctor decided against it. Instead she wanted to focus on the fact that I have a 5MM focal defect on the underside of my patella along with chondramalacia. I am supposed to see my PT, who basically told me that if I want to extend the life of my knee, I should find a sport that doesn't involve knee lunges or deep squats. Sigh... I'm not ready to do that yet.

Speaking of, I've signed up for a year training with Risto Sports. I'm looking to fine tune my olympic lifting technique and increase my numbers. I'm supposed to go up there today and I'm feeling a little nervous... More on that later.

Looking back

I notice a lot of people being glad to see 2014 go. I'm trying to remember what my year was like. It started in Savannah with my in laws. Sadly that turned out to be the last time we would see my father-in-law, as he passed away in October.

I coached a lot at CrossFit MASS during the first half of the year and mourned the loss of that experience, and those friends and family for a good portion of the remaining half of the year. My identity was so tied up in CrossFit MASS as a coach and a person. Those were my people and I really thought they were my family. I have come to find that wasn't necessarily the case. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence creates a big void of "out of sight, out of mind". Well at least that is what it feels like. I'm still working on the CFM thing, as I think of it almost daily. Gladly, there isn't the painful emotional response with each thought anymore. I am left to wonder though if CFM, for me, represents a single person. The one person I feel like I really lost in that "divorce". And...this all has made me think about friendship and what makes a good friend. There has to be a meeting in the middle at some point. A give and take. A give and take. Sometimes more give and sometimes more take. But effort is the key.  To be continued...

Our son continues to grow and excel. He started walking at about age 1 - right about Easter time. His mobility and interest in movement has kept both of us busy. He started daycare 2 days a week and is really enjoying it. Plus, it gives momma a break. Since starting daycare, he has been sick quite a bit, which makes Maddy (me) nervous. All in all though, he is doing great -- our little bug.

When I left CFM, I started working out and coaching at CF Medusa - an all women's gym in Cambridge. The original goal was to find a community again, get coached again, and try to simplify life. Traffic is a drag and since they are already down in Cambridge it was much easier to get to work. Honestly, I feel like starting to coach there ruined the whole thing. Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy coaching. I also really enjoy being coached. Medusa has a different mentality about training women. Lots of cardio, less heavy strength. All the WODs are killer, but not strength focused - which is what I love. Also, while I love the ladies of CF Medusa, it started to feel like a job. I wasn't connecting with the other coaches or owner and couldn't engage in more CF Medusa activities (if there were any). I only knew the morning clients, who were great. But if asked what affiliate I was with, I wouldn't say CF Medusa. CF is my passion, which is what I would like it to remain. I put in my notice and in 2015 will be a single affiliate girl again.

Through the chaos of CFM, I found another group in Andover. They are all I could ask for in a box. I don't idolize the owners. They are down to earth and supportive of my competitions. They all show up in support. They are warm and welcoming. This is their passion as well, not their job. It is and continues to be fun for them. This is a good environment for me. And I look forward to seeing what 2015 brings for me at CFA.

I went from the most stressful job ever, to a more manageable one at the end of May. This has and continues to be a really great change for me. There is a good deal of room to grow in this job and I look forward to seeing what happens in the new year.

We went from being a two income family to one. Damema's part time job at Harvard finally ended. This, of course, presents new challenges. We will see how this works moving forward as well. It is good for now. Though we are much more limited, we are happy and enjoy spending time together.

All and all, it appears to be that the themes in my life are family, CrossFit and work. This will continue into 2015. Looking back, the beginning of 2014 was utterly stressful but it ended much better than it started.

Onward...