Suffering is optional, right?
I have been on a weight loss journey my whole life. My mother, God love her, put me on the Scarsdale Diet (you know the grapefruit one) at a very young age. I was born with "fat genes," you see, and would have to struggle with it forever. Why? Because she did. The only way to combat it is to maintain control, diet constantly, belittle myself when I gain weight, and assign my own self worth to what the scale says.
When I transitioned from junior high to high school, I had given up red meat and for some reason lost a bunch of weight over the summer. I received positive attention I had never received before. Especially after years of being called "Medusa" and "fat." Of course, that all ended up in an eating disorder, which resulted in praise and adoration by my family about "how skinny I was." My period stopped completely and I ended up spending a summer sick with mononucleosis. Of course I gained all that weight back. At 17, I tried Weight Watchers and lost enough that my coaches noticed. They encouraged me and told me to "stick with it." It was positive attention. I didn't stick with it though, and ended up gaining that weight back also.
The only time I actually had complete freedom from dieting was college. I had "come out" and was considered attractive to other people for the first time. I also hit my heaviest weight ever, started smoking, and stopped working out completely. I had plenty of other struggles during that time, but I don't recall weight being one of the bigger concerns.
In any case, the struggle continues. Yesterday, I completed 12 weeks with my coach, Josh Citron, at Stronger U. The idea is that we track our macros and through the magic of science and the adjustment of a few numbers, the pounds just melt away. I'm not going to lie when I say that this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. To be bombarded with years and years of built up "baggage" around dieting and then to throw in weekly macro targets. Not meeting them has added more fuel to flame self sabotage and negative internal chatter. Regardless, I've lost 16 pounds total since August. Eight of those pounds were with Stronger U.
I'm continuing on another 12 weeks with Josh as I'm still on this journey, learning about myself and how to quiet that mean person inside. It is a process and the point is that, as with all else, suffering is optional. Nothing is good or bad - whether I hit my numbers or not, or the scale goes up or down, or my waist measurement balloons, or I gain all the weight back - I'm still a good person, deserving of love, friendship, and support.
