Paleo Challenge 2013

It is so hard not to be suspicious of the dualities of my personality.  I so want a break from life and as soon as I do, I want my routine back.

That aside, it is time for Paleo Challenge 2013 to get started.  Should be easy though right?  If I want routine this is the ultimate in routinization.  I did a challenge back in September but didn't blog about it.  I find the beginning of the year challenge to be a little more difficult after a month of indulgences.  (Mostly alcoholic indulgences.)

Today at CrossFit a client asked if I had any resolutions.  2012 was one of the best years a girl could ask for but as things were winding down to holiday break, I found myself a ball of stress.  Things are going to change drastically in 2013 with the arrival of the bouncing baby boy and all the stressors that go along with it.  Additionally, my mom is having shoulder replacement surgery and Damema and I are finally going to tie the knot.  With that will come a name change for me.  I think at this point I am most nervous and anxious about the arrival of our baby boy.  I hate seeing Damema in pain and I know this is going to be one of those things that will be outside of my control in EVERY way possible.  All change is stress whether good or bad.  

I plan to get my eating and insulin response back on track with the paleo challenge in January as well as focus on a work out that will not increase cortisol levels too much.  With that I have a goal of a 200# back squat.  Breathing and taking care of myself are going to be the key to making this year the best yet.  In any case, I know the paleo challenge is boring to read about, but please bear with me while I take on the roller coaster ride over 30 days starting January 2.    

It's the end of the world as you know it.

Vacation.  Aaaah...the sun shining down on my face.  The sound of waves crashing against the shore.  I feel a little like this is it.  This is the end of my life.  At the same time I'm grateful and looking forward to the next phase.  I saw cute parents toting their young kids around Key West watching them transfer sea water and sand between locations.  I watched angry babies only wanting to hang tightly to their daddy's hands while strolling down the beach.  I listened to the excited cries of kids at the pool as their parents tossed them into the water.  Yes, life is going to change.  I'm anxious.  I'm nervous.  I'm excited.  I'm afraid.  Most of all, I can't wait to meet our little boy.

Bring on 2013.  This is going to be like no other year yet!

Responsibility. A letter to a son.

Dear Son,

We want you to experience love in your life.  We want you to become your own person.  However, having said that we have a few random thoughts for you and your life.  You will meet several milestones which will increase your responsibility over time.

For example, once you know how to communicate "hungry" it is your responsibility to let us know -- until you can go to the fridge yourself and make an elaborate meal.  (I hope you take after your mother and love to cook!)  Once you are potty trained, it is your responsibility to poop and pee in the proper receptacle.  Peeing in your pants because you laughed too hard is permissible.  Once you learn to ride a bike you must be careful and obey the biking rules which are not the same as pedestrian rules, but rather automobile rules.  Also you will need to wear a helmet.  (I didn't because my helmet was yellow, shaped like a mushroom, ugly and it was not "cool".  It is now cool to wear a helmet.)   You must take responsibility for this on your own because we mommies won't be there to guide you all the time. We will work very hard to make our home open and safe.  We hope you feel like you can communicate with your mommies.  We pray you feel like it is your responsibility to communicate with your mommies.  We want to hear everything about you and your day and your experiences and how you're feeling and what excites you and what makes you sad and....    

Some other milestones.  Because you'll take after me and will be athletic, you will likely sign an agreement as a high school athlete saying you won't drink or do drugs during the season.  This extends into the rest of your life!!  (Ok - well at least the drugs part - though marijuana is ok with us.)  Promise us that you will not drink and drive.  Your mommies will come get you wherever you are regardless, but PLEASE do not get behind a wheel drunk ever!  Which brings me to driving.  Once you learn how to drive your responsibilities increase.  You're responsible for you, all of your passengers and all of those other people on the roadways.  Please be careful and assess each situation.  Nothing is important enough for you to drive dangerously.  Next, you start dating and wanting to go "all the way".  USE A CONDOM.  This is YOUR responsibility and yours alone.  I don't care what the girl (or boy) says - USE A CONDOM until you are ready to raise a family or spend your life forever with someone.  I cannot reiterate this enough.  Next, you graduate from college.  It is your responsibility to find a job.  (You will always have a home with us, but you must have a job.  We will be proud of you no matter what you do for work.)

Yes, over time you will learn many different things.  We hope to guide you into becoming a responsible human being who makes good decisions (not the right ones, just good ones).  We are here to take care of you.  We are responsible for you and when your mommies get old, we will do our best to make sure we are not a burden.  But, please live close by... always.

We are so excited to meet you.

Love,
Your Mommies

On being healthy

To keep the body in good health is a duty...otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.  --- Buddha

A friend of mine was struggling a year ago to finish up her chemo treatments and now she is a year disease free. Another friend's downhill run to the end commenced a year ago after a 5 year battle with cancer.  Another family member over the years has been able to survive cancer a couple of times by just literally cutting it out.  Then there are those of us who have chronic conditions, such as RA, Hashimoto's disease, or weird skin conditions that require a lifetime of medicine to keep at bay.  Or we have shoulder arthritis, or detritis in the knee (that is a formal dx by the way) that require surgery to fix.  Perhaps our minds have slipped a bit and we need extra help through meditation or an antidepressant to help stabilize.  Whatever the struggle, there is a struggle to being healthy.

I'm not actually sure what "healthy" means.  Is that the baseline or the point of homeostasis?  Is that where the mind is well and reminds us that life is precious regardless of whether our body is attacking us or not?  Is healthy only what we put in our mouths, or our outlook on life, or our body's ability to fight infection, or the measurement (or lack thereof) of inflammation in the body.  Do we fluctuate between healthy and unhealthy day by day or even minute by minute?  If you are overweight are you by default "unhealthy" even if you're happy, don't get sick and eat really well?  Is "healthy" a state of mental well-being or the results of a blood test?

The World Health Organization defines health as "a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity."

Complete??  That is a kind of intimidating.  When are we ever in a place of complete physical, mental and social well-being?  I have to take medicine to keep myself complete.  Does that mean I'm healthy?  If I have a bad day at work and reach for chocolate for comfort does that mean I'm not healthy?

Aaaah, and the debate continues.  I bring this up because I used to believe that the body could heal itself, without medication, by treating it right, reading the right self-help books, and feeding it the right foods.  What I found over time though, is that the struggle only got harder and harder.  So here I am, in remission from rheumatoid arthritis, feeling healthier than ever before.  I didn't get here on my own though.  The doctors tell me I am healthy and looking better than I ever have.  Though if you strip me bare, take away my health insurance, medication, crossfit and my job - all of which combined help to make me "complete" the picture would be very different.  Would I still be able to find health in the absence of all those things?

There is a point to this, maybe.  Every individual has their own formula for health.  What works for one person won't necessarily work for another.  We are all walking experiments seeking out balance, happiness - physical, mental, and social well-being both in the presence of and absence of disease or infirmity.   Keep fighting the good fight.  

I'm running the 10K Arthritis Foundation Jingle Bell Run in an effort to give back so that others might have the chance to experience health.  Please support me if you can:

My Arthritis Foundation page.                       

On a roll

I wake up every morning with this little vibration of excitement in my stomach - ready to tackle the world, set new PRs, run a half marathon and conquer all that gets in my way.  Then a couple hours go by...

My energy starts to waiver.  I start questioning my abilities.  I suffer through traffic to get to my day job.  By the end of the day I'm exhausted and worn, but still grateful.  Traffic on the way home leaves me yawing and ready to climb into bed just to do it all over again tomorrow.  Did I do my best?  Did I contribute to the world today?  Did I look stupid while doing any of it?  These are the things that motivate me.

I wish I could bottle that early morning excitement and drink it when I need a lift.  I can sometimes find that excitement in a cup of coffee or the soft crunch of fall leaves under my feet.  Mostly these days I wish that excitement could be found in those moments when I feel like I have NO idea what I'm doing.

Over the weekend, Damema and I cleared out a bunch of books we've accumulated through the years.  There were so many books of mine devoted to finding happiness.  The thing is...  I am happy.  Very happy.  No book told me how to find it either.  I donated those books in hopes though that they can fill a void for someone, like they did for me, until their "thing" comes along.

The point here is that though I'm happy, I still have a cyclical pattern that leaves me questioning.  I used to think happiness was a destination.  It is really an overall state of being, an undertone - a constant background noise.  It's the lens filtering the view.  People have been writing about this stuff forever, and I've been reading about it but until my view changed, it was all just words.  

Going through the motions

Ok people - I got out of a routine.  I've started my new job and we're having a baby.  As of today, we're at 13 weeks 6 days.  We don't know the gender yet and don't get to see peanut again until October 22.  Damema is starting to show and I'm sure I'll start posting more about this experience than any of you would like to read about.  Until then though, I'm going to talk about being uncomfortable.  

It seems my new normal is about treading into unknown waters.  We still have a few months prep for the baby, so that discomfort is more about hoping, wishing and yes, praying that all goes well and of course trying to clear space in what is now the "baby's room". The work world on the other hand is a daily bombardment of wins and losses.  One productive day is followed by a day of feeling stupid and defeated.  I know I have to get used to this because parenting is full of humbling moments.

In any case, I've pretty much coasted over the last 5 years in a job that was initially intellectually challenging.  That intellectual challenge moved into a challenge of volume instead -- there was soooooo much work to do.  There was a period of time this summer where I thought I was turning into a zombie.  Seriously, I felt so detached from the things I was doing.  The schedule is tight right now with coaching crossfit in the mornings and then heading to work.  All summer I would finish the day by racing home to fit in my 6:30 pm work out.  With the new job I had to stop that.  (Now I'll fit in my workout when I can.)  In any case, I feel like I'm back.  I feel more connected and my brain is once again firing on all cylinders.

I know we tend to gravitate toward things that we know and are comfortable with and there is something to that.  I will admit though, that while the last month in the new job has been uncomfortable, it feels so good to once again feel engaged.  I guess the moral of the story is if you are feeling like a zombie - look at the usual things like sleep, diet, the way you brush your teeth or cook your eggs; but then also at the routine you're in.  Are you going through the motions, or are you present?  I can assure you that it isn't quite time yet for the zombie apocalypse.  

Paleo challenge blues

Paleo this, paleo that... paleo this, paleo that.  Crossfit this, crossfit that.  Crossfit this, crossfit that.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Meat, meat, meat.  If you have half and half in your coffee you're baaaaaaaaad.  OMG ice cream!!  No alcohol.  Beeeeaaaans are sooo bad for you.  Blah, blah, blah.  Sugar will kill you, but fruit is ok only if it has no fructose in it.  Um...  Only grassfed meats...unless you have enough fish oil.  Oh and get your WOD in.  Blah, blah, blah.

It doesn't seem to matter. This last week two 50+ year old women kicked my ass on a hero work out.  What. Ever....  This used to be fun.



 

Nerds!! And I'm not talking about the candy.

I find it funny that there is a group of people that are proud to be nerds.  These are my friends.  I don't think I am a "nerd", but I'm married to one.  I also attract them in my life.  My best friend is a nerd.  One of my bosses is a nerd.  People I work with are nerds.  People I admire are nerds.  I guess that begs the question - why do I attract nerds?

My nerd friends have tons of arcane and useless knowledge locked away in their brains ready for story telling in any situation.  They can recite lines from just about any movie released in their lifetime.  They know comic books and the difference between DC and Marvel comic heroes like they were their family.  They play video games and have Dungeons and Dragons days.  They spend entire days shooting guns at plates (purchased just for destruction) in the sand dunes of Maine.  They live for argument and crave conversation that sways their own opinions.  They post their time-saving click and drag computer shortcuts for the world to read on Facebook.  They know the next big article in the New York Times before it's published.  Some even like to watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice over and over again.  (Yeah, the one with Colin Firth.)  They are teachers, athletes, webmasters, accountants, salespeople, professors and administrators.

Damema (a proud nerd) just posed the following explanation - "Maybe you attract nerds because secretly you want to be a nerd.  Or, maybe you already are a nerd."  Then in true nerd fashion she proceeded to recite lines from Aliens in sync with the movie.


Want to be a nerd?  Already a nerd?  Noooooooo waaaaaaay.

But then again if I'm not, why do I surround myself with these brainiac nerdy types?  Do they complete me?  Do I complete them?  

I need a change!

"I need a change."  I say it sometimes and sometimes has recently become more frequent.  I'm lucky though because I am going to get what I want - change is coming.  But before I get into the details, I am trying to figure out why change is so important.  Realistically we're in an ever evolving world and everything changes daily.  These daily changes are obvious (or not?), rational and uncontrollable.  I'm talking more about the controllable (are there any really?) changes as in routines and scenery.  Perhaps I'm looking more for changes in focus, or career path, or diet, or clothes, or hair style, or new ink, or just something!!  Please just change something!!

Does this happen to you?  You wake up itchy in your skin wanting something new?  When I was younger this feeling used to trigger a road trip, or or a new tattoo, or an indigo girls show in Colorado.  It's not as easy to pack up now, with dogs and responsibilities.  Oh responsibilities....

As of recently I've been itchy.  I've wanted a new routine - a new job (coming!), a new focus (coming!).  As a result I may seriously need an intervention.  I've been out of control with my diet - "fuck it all".  I feel like I've put all this effort into eating "paleo" and sticking to crossfit at least 4x a week with no results to show for it.  Yay!  A couple of PRs and now I can do 4 unassisted pull ups.  Who the hell cares?  I may also need an intervention on my bad attitude.  (I am a coach and need to model ideal crossfit behavior after all - sorry Joe.  I'll work it out.)   In the meantime - if I'm coaching you, do as I say, not as I do.  Or if you do as I do occasionally, be easier on yourself.  Changes are sometimes drastic and obvious and sometimes they creep up on you.  Also, you can't out train a bad diet, but sometimes ice cream and wine are necessary.  Sometimes you have to live like a badass and not feel bad about it.  Not everyone is going to be a crossfit competitor.  (Right Melissa???!!)

It is key to have goals to work towards.  I guarantee goals will set you on a healthy path.  It is important to develop realistic and measurable goals though.  I'm not going to tell you how to do that as I myself am struggling to figure out what is next.  

As for the upcoming changes - I will be starting a new job at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government as the Assistant Director of Research Administration at the Center for International Development.  If you want to know more about it e-mail or call me.  There might be another change coming that I'll tell you more about later too....

  

Love in the hot room

I recently took a Bikram class with Teri who owns the Bikram Yoga Merrimack Valley studio.  I was reminded of the journey I've been on over the last three years since starting my practice.  (I mentioned in a previous post that I wouldn't be where I am today without yoga, and I mean it.)  In the class she talked about the evil plan of yoga.  The plan is to make you happy and healthy.  Your friends will see this in you and want to know where they can get some.  More people will come to the studio to get happy and healthy.  Teri will have more clients which makes more money.  More money makes her rich and allows her to pay her teachers more money.  Cha-ching!  Winning all around.  

My favorite part of Teri's class is camel pose.  In between sets during our 20 second savasana (or dead body pose) she takes us on a journey through the things we might be feeling at that moment.  We could be "...dizzy, nauseous, elated, heart beating faster.  What do all of these things feel like?  They feel like falling in love!  Now just fall in love with yourself deeper in the second set."  This seems funny while she is saying it, but self love is required in order to heal yourself and the studio is a place to heal your mind, body, and spirit.

I walked in there for the first time in June 2009 to try to get some relief from the non-stop back pain I had been experiencing.  A few things were going on at the time.  I wasn't taking drugs for my arthritis, I had just broken up with my "cult" (a story for another day) and I was feeling like I didn't have a community or group of friends on the east coast.  I was looking for something healthy to further "heal" myself.  What I have learned over the last three years is so much more.  

Though it is hard some days, through this yoga, I have learned to look in the mirror and accept what is in front of me.  I have learned that the thing that changes every day is me.  Some days I am flexible and strong.  Some days I am awkward and unbalanced.  The learning is in being patient and persistent.  I have learned to listen to my body instead of just pushing through as I have done so many times in the past.  I have learned that the way I was treating myself wasn't enough and that it is ok to ask for help (medication or friends).  That is not a sign of weakness or failure.  I have learned how to meditate and be in the moment through 26 postures/2 breathing exercises in a room that is 105 degrees, half naked, looking at myself in the mirror, with up to 55+ other half naked people around me.  That 1.5 hours is intense and nothing outside of that room seems as tough comparatively.  I can get through anything just by breathing.  I have learned that I do have a community and if I need anything there is a group of people that I can count on and they can count on me!  I have also learned that I have something to learn from everyone.  We come from all walks of life.  We walk in the room unprotected and bond through our mutual hard work, sweat, and love.  Politics, religion, gay, straight, language, teacher, lawyer, fitness level, age - none of this matters in this room.  Only love matters.

Here is the thing - self deprecation can be "cute" during a comedy routine or to break tension when one is feeling uncomfortable.  However, when you're struggling through a heavy lift; or a 1.5 hour Bikram class; or a 25 minute workout of the day; or a chemo treatment; or a night of sleeplessness; or a chronic illness; or you're feeling guilty after a cheat meal; or you feel like you made a wrong choice in life; or you don't quite feel like you're where you want to be - what is needed is love and acceptance.  The only person in the room who can give that 100% of the time is you.  Learn to be good to yourself.

Thank you to my BYMV family and teachers:  Teri, Elaine, Melissa, Andrew, Terri, Thida, Sokha, Larry, and all of the many teachers who have shared themselves with our studio and me.            

     

What is possible? A follow up to what if?

 "The only thing that makes life possible is a permanent, intolerable uncertainty:  not knowing what comes next."
-- Ursula K. LeGuin

A bunch of people were kind enough to give me advice, encouragement and support after my last blog post.  I updated that post with the response from my rheumatologist about the specific fluctuations in blood test results.  In short, she isn't going to worry.

The journey was an interesting one though.  The internet can take what seems to be a standard hang nail and turn it into a rare lung-eating fungus.  I am kind of embarrassed that I couldn't pull myself out of the negative what if and into the positive.  What ifs are full of possibility.  They are how people bring ideas into reality; how cities are built; how medicine is made; and how dreams come true.

How many times have you been the one consoling someone freaking out about something that isn't a reality?  Did you ever want to smack sense into that person and yell at them to stop worrying?!  Of course when you're the person freaking out about something, that is just one possibility out of a million, nothing anybody says can be soothing or helpful.  Funny how that works.  We tend to look into the world (or on the internet) to find things to support that what if we are stuck on.  For me, I am most afraid of going back to where I was (health wise) 3 years or even 1 year ago.  I now know what is possible in RA treatment and it is damn near perfect.  Yeah - so it is all drug induced at this point, which opens the world to potential pit falls.  If this is damn near perfect, then what could be better?  Nothing, right?  The only place to go is down - the drugs stop working; or I have a bad reaction; and on and on and on and on. 

Sick line of thinking....

For me the key will be to enjoy the moment and plan for the future based on what reality is right now.  That is all I/we/you have.  Yeah, my drugs may stop working and I may not be able to lift weights or even a hairbrush.  But that is not happening now!  The best piece of advice - enjoy this time right now, which DAMN IT....I'm going to do!!!

                  

What if?

Prudence keeps life safe, but does not often make it happy.  ~Samuel Johnson  

Here is the thing - I went to school to become a certified massage therapist back in 2000.  In 2002 I had my first flare up of rheumatoid arthritis.  In 2005 I quit massaging all together because it just was too painful.  In 2011 I started Enbrel which changed my life!  In 2012 (April) I added methotrexate (MTX) to the Enbrel which seems to eliminate the weekly fluctuations as the Enbrel wears off.  The Enbrel has me thinking I might be able to massage again.  I've been doing some research on what is needed to get licensed in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.  It comes down to three (3!!) classes, which I can take at Cortiva in Boston.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

The conundrum...  The livelihood of my hands depends on Enbrel working.  There is no drug free remission that I am aware of.  I know I still have the disease because when I wake up in the mornings my hands are more swollen and stiff.  This improves as the day gets along though.  Last week I went to refill my methotrexate prescription and was told it was on indefinite back order.  (It has since come in.)  In my opinion the MTX can stay or go in my regimen, but what if this happens to Enbrel?  Or what if Enbrel stops working?  Or what if I have a bad reaction and have to stop taking it?  

Why am I obsessing over the what ifs?  I recently had my blood checked and a low immunoglobulin count came back (for the second time in 3 months).  Last week I had another check done, this time with an immunology panel checking for multiple myeloma or some other horrid malignant blood disease.  My rheumatologist wrote me a quick note on Thursday saying that all looked good, but would be back in touch if the anything looked weird with the immunology panel.  One of the checks was for the Gamma and Kappa light chain ratios, which is a very sensitive test that can identify blood abnormalities early on in disease.  I have access to my results on line and can clearly see that my Kappa free light chains count was low and the Lambda normal.  The ratio between the two apparently is significant and mine could not be calculated.  The foot note to this part of my test said:

"The free K/L light chain ratio cannot be calculated or is outside the defined limits.  Abnormal ratios can be seen in light chain myelomas, primary amyloidosis, monoclonal gammopathies with significant renal impairment, patients with chronic renal failure and rarely in autoimmune diseases..."  

Yeah - my problem is I check the internet too much.  (According to the internet I have about 4 years to live.)  I still haven't heard from the rheumatologist so of course I'm making stuff up about what is going on.  She will likely write back tomorrow and say everything is fine and that it is a normal finding in those with RA.  OR what if she writes back and says that it is a side effect of the Enbrel and that I'm going to have to stop taking it?!  (I can't consider anything more than these two scenarios at the moment.)  

And then we circle back to the massage therapy thing and the whole idea falls apart since without Enbrel, there is no being a massage therapist.  In these moments, it is hard to take a step back and remember that life is a journey and there are always what ifs to be considered.  Life is also full of risks and from those risks come both successes and failures.  I don't want to find myself years down the road regretting anything because I made a decision based on how the plan could go wrong.  I guess this is the question I need to replace What if with in the future.  

--Will I regret not doing this?--

I'm sure I'll get there eventually, but I'm still currently stuck in the moment with what if?

6-18-12 UPDATE

Aaaaand the response from my Rheumatologist was very unconcerned --

"About the lab tests....they are not always understandable.  but I am not going to worry.  at some point, you see so much variation, you investigate and then shrug.  without other signals, let's not worry. we can always repeat the test in a year.  you be well."

So what?

Writing has long been a personal and private adventure for me.  I just joined Twitter though and posted my blog address as part of my profile.  It is public now people.  I feel exposed!!    

Speaking of exposed - I attended a USAW Level 1 Trainer certification a couple weeks ago.  We focused on the snatch and clean and jerk.  (For those of you who think that is some kinky bedroom activity, the snatch and C&J are actually Olympic weightlifting movements.)  I thought the program was excellent.  The lead instructor was very experienced, funny and a darn good coach.  Her team was there to practice and show us their discipline, strength, persistence and patience.    

I have long considered Olympic weightlifting to be a primarily men's sport - for obvious reasons.  The first Olympic Games in 1896 included men's Oly lifting, however a women's competition wasn't introduced into the Games until 2000!!!  I was therefore surprised that the three lead instructors for this course were women!! In any case, this coach focuses on training her team to remain calm through adversity and to remember that it is no big deal if you make your lift, or you don't.  "So what?"  The use of profanity is not allowed in her gym, nor is having a meltdown.  Good life training.   

I was intrigued after the first day of the program and decided to Google her.  I learned a ton about her on the Internet.  Mostly I learned about her health struggles.  She has ankylosing spondylitis which is an inflammatory autoimmune disease affecting the spine and other peripheral joints.  She has been a competing Oly lifter for quite some time, so I'm sure that diagnosis was devastating.  I never got the chance to let her know of my own struggles, but the fact that she shared in public created a connection.  Inspiration.  I also learned on the Internet of her diagnosis of breast cancer.  She had a mastectomy, which wasn't obvious to me the first day.  (Of course the second day I did notice and felt sort of like an intruder on her personal space.)  I also learned that a year ago her cancer came back in the other breast.  I don't know where she is in treating it, or if she even decided to. 

The fact remains that through all of the adversity, she appears outwardly calm and present.  Had I not researched her, I would never have known of her struggles.  Whether I see her again or not, by sharing so openly she has left a piece of herself with me.        

I suppose in Olympic Weightlifting (and life), the following quote is appropriate:

We acquire the strength we have overcome.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

But as this coach reminds us, if you don't make your lift (or get your promotion, or make that grade) "so what?"  You can try again.       

         

Longing for Belonging

Everything has its own place and function. That applies to people, although many don't seem to realize it, stuck as they are in the wrong job, the wrong marriage, or the wrong house. When you know and respect your Inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don't belong.

Benjamin Hoff from The Tao of Pooh

I was trying to explain to a friend how CrossFit, more specifically CrossFit MASS, has changed my life.  (Another blog post about Bikram to come, because without that I wouldn't be here.)  I tried to explain that it provides a space for me to be completely present in my life.  I feel connected to others and like I can contribute something significant. Working/being at the gym taps into everything that I am.

She rephrased what I said to "You're social, athletic.  It appeals to who you are."

Maybe that is the correct summary but it feels like so much more.  As such, I have assigned myself the task of trying to put into words what coaching, working out, and being a part of this team means to me.

First it is important to know that the first place that I felt like I actually belonged was on the softball field.  I was an outcast and the only thing that was for certain was that I was going to be picked first of all the girls in PE class.    

This isn't about just being athletic though.  There are quotes about overcoming adversity and pushing oneself to the limit.  How do people who didn't grow up playing sports relate to quotes like that?  Do they relate to quotes like that?  I have to assume so because life is full of adversity.  Being everywhere but where you are is a human condition.  Striving for happiness, a place to belong, and contributing a piece of oneself in a meaningful way are universal desires.

This place.  Not only do I feel like I belong, but I also get to bear witness to others overcoming their own limitations.  I get to play a role in helping them attain their goals.  I get to help create a space for others to belong, to grow strong, to expand, to connect their inner and outer beings.  I am able to do this in a way that is so core to who I am as a person - an athlete, someone with rheumatoid arthritis, a person in a same-sex relationship, a human struggling to find meaning and purpose in this crazy-ass world.  There are no judgements.  There is no right or wrong.  There is me pushing you and you pushing me to live a healthy, strong, flexible, fulfilling life.

"This all can be accomplished in a gym?" you ask.  Not just any gym.  This is a community, a family, rehabilitation - a support network.  People come in to work hard and put their fears/limitations on the line.  So for me, yes - it is so much more.  It is where I belong.

 
Thank you Joe, Christy, Mike and all of my CFM family.

             

Boredom could be simply a lack of mission

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history." -- Mahatma Gandhi


The other day I attended a monthly meeting at work.  The first presentation was about identifying the mission of your work; clarifying roles and responsibilities; and marketing or communicating your services to your clients or target audience.  With regard to my work in research administration, this topic resulted in me rolling my eyes and exclaiming, "duh!" in my head.  Then it got me thinking more about the idea of "mission" and how it can apply to creating a fulfilling life.

So for those of you struggling with monotony, restlessness, emptiness and/or boredom (at work) this is for you.

Why can't we align our personal mission with our bread and butter?  I think this is the missing link between just working a job and working a fulfilling job (or life).  First, you have to come up with a personal mission statement.  This could be something so near and dear to your heart that you make sure it is a part of your daily routine, or you give to the cause, or you make sure it is part of your vacation plans.  Whatever it may be, it may be simpler than you think.  Additionally, it is probably something you planted a long time ago and is so completely a part of who you are.

I am reminded of the goal my rheumatologist gave for treating my arthritis --"To keep you moving."  Why?  Because exercise and movement are so intrinsically a part of who I am.  Movement is where I excel.  It keeps me sane.  It is my social network.  It is my conversation.  It is how I relate to the world.  It challenges me to keep growing - physically, mentally and emotionally.  Movement drives my whole world (including diet).

God love my rheumatologist.  She figured this out about me at our first meeting after talking to me for 10 minutes.  This is one of those things that has taken me 38 years of struggle to transform from being just a part of who I am as an individual to something I can share with the others as my "mission".

From struggle arises inspiration.  I am inspired to help get people moving.  Arthritis affects you or someone you know in some way.  The problem with arthritis is that it causes pain and stiffness which leads to inactivity. Time and time again, research has shown that moving helps reduce pain, stiffness, and helps increase strength to support joint stability and mobility (and daily activities).

I happened upon an online RA support group when I needed it most.  What I found over time though was that some people were stuck in their disease.  (I have been there.)  They continue to make choices that perpetuate their disease.  What these (and most, if not all) people need is not only community, but community in action.  I propose to be the person that helps create that bridge between hopelessness and inactivity to movement and prosperity of spirit through (God forbid!!) exercise and community.

The mission is to "get people moving."  The "how" is still being worked out.  I am on my way though...      

Ride the wave baby

"Life is like a wave.  You can't change the way it breaks, but you can change the way you ride it." 
--- Urban Surfer 2006

I try really hard to stay positive and keep myself moving.  Sometimes I overdo it.  Sometimes it feels good to be sore.  I recall when I played rugby I was sore all of the time.  I wasn't on any drugs for my RA either (except post-game beers).  I'm on drugs now and I'm pretty much sore all of the time with CrossFit and Bikram.  I like it because it reminds me that I am pushing myself and my body to be healthier and stronger.  

I overdo it with my diet sometimes too.  I follow a mostly Paleo diet, which means I've cut out all dairy - which little did I know can really flare me up.  I also eat no grains as they have the same effect as dairy.  So, on the occasions when I "cheat" I feel it the next day.  (Like the mashed potatoes with cream and cheese at Easter dinner!!!)  

I feel sensitive - there is such a fine line between overdoing it and doing just enough.  One workout too many....one spoonful too much of something...one night of bad sleep...one this or one that.  It is exhausting both keeping myself in line and keeping track of what went wrong!

I went to my rheumatologist a couple of weeks ago and she had the same advice as she always does.  Take the methotrexate (MTX)! I am soooo close to remission and she thinks the addition of MTX will take me over the edge.  I am already on Enbrel - which means I have to shoot myself 1x a week.  MTX will also be a once weekly dose.  Both drugs are immunosuppressants, leaving me more susceptible to infection.

Why would I be at all resistant to going into full-blown remission?  I'm not.  I'm resistant to relying on drugs to do it for me, nasty drugs at that.  The miraculous body has systems to maintain homeostasis.  Why can't I do it with diet and exercise alone?      

At the same time...might taking the MTX make homeostasis easier to attain? THAT, my friends, is what I want to find out.  Wednesday was my first dose.  Wish me luck!!

***************************************************

A little info on the drugs:
Enbrel is a TNF-inhibitor.  This reduces the inflammation in the body, but also reduces the immune response.  (This drug has changed my life!!!)  Here is a short list of common side effects:
Dizziness; headache; mild pain, redness, itching, bruising, or swelling around the injection site....  

And here is the long list:  Enbrel Side Effects

Methotrexate is a chemo drug.  (Yes, chemotherapy.)  It is used in lower doses for RA, but has similar side effects.  I was on only it for about 10 months and by the end, stopped because it made me feel sick.  I have to have my blood checked every 1-3 months to ensure it isn't wreaking havoc on my system.    Common side effects:
Dizziness; drowsiness; general body discomfort; headache; loss of appetite; mild hair loss; mild sore throat; mild stomach pain; nausea; tiredness...
    

And here is the long list: Methotrexate side effects

Defining Age

It is spring.  Well it is certainly trying to be.  We had a week of 80-something degree weather and then a smack in the face with the return of the 20s.  The fact remains that there will be a period of time soon when the weather is consistently warm and the sun is bright.  Inevitably, the cycle will continue and short days and cold nights will return.  The clock keeps ticking and time keeps passing. 

I am feeling old today.  (Cue violin.)   

The problem is that I still feel physically and mentally young.  (Thank you CrossFit, Bikram and Damema!)  Isn't that the important stuff?  Who defined this idea of time any way?  By 22 you need to have your life figured out.  By 40 your kids need to be out of diapers.  By 45 you need to be at the top of your career game. Where did this crap come from?

Arbitrary deadlines aside, there is one major area that is affected early on - fertility.  My mom had 3 kids by the age of 30.  We were not ready to have kids at even 35.  We put time limits on ourselves and determined that if we didn't decide to have kids by 34 we wouldn't .  The problem (or gift) is that now we are ready.  Let me just say that the pipes don't work the way they used to.  I guess I'll leave it at that.  Luckily, we make more money now than we did at 30, which makes adoption a more viable option.     
    
Another part of aging is that your health goes to pot - right? I've had a recent health event that resulted in a number of tests.  The diagnosis isn't a big deal - just another autoimmune skin disease.  In the process though, I did get my lipids tested and wooooweeee honey, I am healthy.  (Wait, aren't I supposed to be beginning my decline?)  My overall cholesterol is 170 with the HDL (good guys) at 101 and the LDL (bad guys) at 61.  My triglycerides are 30 or something crazy like that.  I guess not all pipes are created equal.  

Honestly, I was a touch worried with my diet shifting to more protein and fat (and eggs, so many eggs).  I know, I know... fat doesn't make you fat.  I was still worried none-the-less.  (Eat meat and vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruit, little starch and NO SUGAR.)

I could come up with some cliche about life and living in the moment.  Or another quote about how worry is meaningless.  What I've come to understand is that it is the relationships that matter.  The friends, adopted family, family, and acquaintances that make my life rich.  (And exercise and music and wine and chocolate.)  As long as I can engage with others, laugh, and move myself on my own, including swaying to the music, life will remain pretty swell.  Whatever the future may hold, though I may feel old, bring it!    

        

Ready - Engage

Last weekend was my Level 1 CrossFit Trainer class.  OMG!  It was so much fun.  I have NEVER been in a room full of more fit and attractive people.  Apparently they were sick too, because I have now come down with my first cold in over 2 years.  Seriously though, I was initially intimidated by the stature and body composition of most of the participants and coaches.... and then I realized everyone is human regardless of physique and has something they are working on.

One of the big lessons learned while there is the idea of training vs. practice.  There are movements/skills that require a certain level of strength to complete - like muscle-ups.  (For those that don't know, a muscle up is basically hanging straight armed from rings to start, doing a pull up, transitioning into the bottom of a ring dip and fully extending to the top of a ring dip with straight arms.)  Obviously, these movements also have a coordination piece that requires practice, like the transition from the pull up to the dip.  The coaches last weekend stressed the importance of both training and practice when working on a new skill.

I was used as an example for kipping pull ups.  I first showed the class that I could do a straight pull up, which in their eyes means I have the strength to kip.  What I don't have is the timing (coordination) which will require more practice.

So there is a lesson here.  I (WE collectively) put so much value on training (i.e. degrees and schooling).  The bottom line though, is that is all worthless without putting it to practice.  After training, get out there and practice what you preach; get in the game; work with real people; train others; educate others; teach; or whatever this here means to you.  Don't just keep your head in the books.      

Taking a break

I have to admit that energetically I have been feeling pretty darn awesome lately.  That said, I've been having some bad elbow pain.  The pain sort of crept up on me over the last month and then BAM! - we did a workout that was 10 sets of 10 pull ups and 10 push ups.  The pain at it's worst wakes me up at night with numb fingers and burning nerve pain.  I have had to really focus on keeping my arms straight - pretty much at all times.  The movement that really pisses them off - you got it - chin ups.

To me, chin ups are more than just an exercise at CrossFit.  They represent progress and progress is always forward.  Well, except when it isn't...

Last Saturday, I was feeling great, and decided to check out another local box.  The WOD was 25 deadlifts (135#), 50 pull ups, and 25 deadlifts.  I mentioned to the coach that I was having elbow pain, which granted me an opportunity to modify the WOD to accommodate my "issues".  I bet it is obvious where this is headed.  I chose to do the full WOD using blue bands for chin ups instead of pull ups.

Needless to say, I've been suffering ever since....

This brings me to the point of my post today.  I mentioned what I had done to Joe and he basically called me "immature".  I tried to correct him into instead calling my actions "stupid," but he wouldn't budge.  After talking more about it, I am clear on what he meant.

There are mature athletes and immature athletes.  Since getting rheumatoid arthritis, I have been essentially an immature athlete.  The only way I've known to move forward is to push through the pain, ignoring my limitations.  The reality is that progress may involve taking a break from time to time.  I have RA and am finally growing up enough to know that I need to own that.  That means that a flared up elbow, if not attended to, could turn into a systemic flare -- which it did.  A mature athlete pays attention to the warning signs and backs off or modifies his/her workout to allow room for the pain or strain to recover.  An immature athlete does what I did last Saturday - do the very thing that makes the pain or strain worse in an effort to "look" as badass as possible.

Did I learn my lesson?  I think so.  I've also got a whole new perspective and luckily a great coach to help me out when I need to take a step back.

             

Balance

I think it is important to find balance in everything.  "Balance" is entirely subjective though.  Balance between work and life; or food and exercise; or CrossFit and Bikram; or pleasure and pain. I'm sure the list could go on and on.  Sobriety and drunkeness; sugar and protein; beer and liquor; boring and fun....

In any case, I was listening to a broadcast today from the Paleo Summit from Dr. Cate Shanahan (http://drcate.com/).  She is rare in that she is a traditionally trained medical doctor who supports the Paleo diet!!  (Never has a doctor supported any of the "alternative" stuff I've done.)  She talked in detail about good food as medicine instead of pharmaceuticals and how commonly prescribed drugs add to our problems.  Common osteoporosis drugs actually prevent new bone from being created, yet also prevent calcium from leaking from bone.  So what is left is old bone that appears more dense because of the increased levels of calcium.  The old bone, of course, is brittle and weak and can lead to increases in fractures.

She went on to talk about how the Paleo diet is supportive of bone health.  Increases in calcium (in veggies) and weight bearing exercise are key to improving bone health.  The part that makes me really happy about this broadcast was when the she was asked about dairy.  Dr. Cate supports a diet including dairy as it is a good source of calcium.  She also said that there is increasing evidence that there were goats (and thus dairy) in paleolithic times.  One final point (worth noting here) that she made was that the Paleo diet movement is very open to change and thus she imagines that dairy may be incorporated into the movement in time.

Ok so how does all of this fit into the theme of balance?  I tried (or did I?) to manage my RA through diet and alternative methods for years and failed.  I never tried the Paleo diet though, I did try the yeast free and inflammation diets.  These two are fairly similar except that they still include grains.  For me right now, I think drugs and diet together are improving my quality of life in ways I never could have imagined.  I am a huge supporter of food over drugs any day, but it has to be within reason.  You wouldn't try to cure cancer with carrots, or a heart attack with fish oil alone.  The goal for me is minimal drugs, high levels of activity and good food.  For me this is the formula of balance and the key to a healthy life.  

  

Positivity and/or Exhaustion?

I think I may have figured something out.  It has been a long time since I've pushed my body this hard - probably since high school.  In addition to diet, CrossFit emphasizes sleep and the importance of 8-10 hours of it.  I've never been a late night person and I am inclined to get my full 8 hours of sleep (even though I'm up at 5am every day.)  Yes, do the math - sleep, wake up, eat, work, workout, eat, shower, sleep.  It is a cycle for sure and one that doesn't lead to a life of adventure.  Unless, of course, you consider the commute to Boston every day an adventure.  I do get to see some pretty amazing sunrises.

I've gotten off topic though.  Over the weekend, I did my usual routine - 8am Saturday Bikram, 10am Sunday CrossFit.  Monday was a holiday so I did 9am Bikram and 5:30pm CrossFit.  Guess what?  I didn't wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go on Tuesday.  Instead, I fought exhaustion and fatigue all day.  I also fought a foul and bad attitude.  This fatigue (and grumpiness) is something I've been experiencing since mid-January.  Is it the winter doldrums?  Am I having an RA flare?  Am I depressed?  Am I bored?  Blah?  Blah?  Blah?  It has gotten so bad recently that I emailed my Rheumatologist and scheduled an appointment with my doctor.

Last night I got into bed at 8pm and slept until 6am.  I feel G-R-E-A-T.  I'm not sore and I feel well, kind of positive.  A black cloud has lifted.  This is day one of an experiment though.  Is my struggle due to a lack of rest/sleep?  (Or could this be a coincidence because I get to work from home on Wednesdays?)

This brings me to another point.  How in the world can you balance positivity with exhaustion?  No wonder we're in a world full of nastiness.  People don't get enough sleep.  Walking zombies, trudging through life sending out nasty vibes to the world.  I woke up to an email from a friend.  She wrote the following:

"Please think POSITIVE. I really believe that negativity can change the course of events. Think POSITIVE."

Get some rest, change your outlook and change the world people.  

         

Grumpy on a sunny day

The other day Damema roasted a chicken for dinner.  Instead of using a knife to cut the meat away from the bone I tore the flesh off with my hands.  I jokingly mentioned how paleo I felt -- really getting into my food and all.  

Little did I know at that moment, because she laughed, I had sparked a rage in Damema that I haven't seen in a while.  I've previously mentioned my history with food and weight, which has been something very difficult for Damema to deal with.  She is a foodie, a chef and eats to enjoy the experience.  That includes rich foods, desserts, fresh vegetables, french fries, beer.  Whatever it is, it isn't just sustenance, but rather an experience.

The thing about Paleo (or food in general?) is that it is really about sustenance for me.  It's what I'm putting in my mouth rather than the experience of what I'm putting in my mouth.  I've created a list of good vs. bad.  If it fits the paleo profile and I eat it then I am good or it is good.  If not...well you know - BAD.  I realize that these decisions I make about food affect my mood.  I have to work very hard to enjoy a piece of chocolate for the sake of enjoying a piece of chocolate without retribution or negative self-talk.  This post 30 day paleo world has me in a grumpy mood because I keep putting "bad" foods in my mouth.

You all are probably thinking, "well then why not stay with the strict paleo?"  This is the conundrum.  I do not live by myself in a vacuum.  Alone, I might make the choice to restrict my diet to the end of time.  The reality is that I am not alone (nor would I choose a life without Damema).  While my partner is supportive of a 30 day challenge once, twice, or even three times a year, she is not supportive of a lifetime of "paleo" eating.

The lesson here is that what I eat does not make me good or bad.  I am trying to make good food decisions to support my CrossFit habit though.  The "paleo" style of eating supports my physical output.  Sadly, I am not going to be an elite athlete.  (I was just going to say, "nor do I want to be." but I think that is a lie.)  The reason I stay fit is to keep myself healthy (not fat) and because I enjoy pushing myself.  There is no end goal in this.  There are only steady improvements and personal records (PRs) to be made.  It is a journey not a destination.  (How many other cliches can I come up with?)  I work out to better enjoy my life - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I also work out to balance my tumultuous relationship with food.  Until I find a  better way, exercise will remain to be a tool for me to balance the enjoyment of with the necessity for the edible.

Learned the calculations

I learned that 85% Paleo is 3 cheat meals, 90% is 2 and 95% is 1.  Hmmm....still not sure what that means for me.  By the way, I learned this information from one of our newbie CrossFitters.  Speaking of newbies, I am "shadowing" our current on-ramp program.  Of course, my "shadowing" has turned into full on coaching...but I guess that's how I learn to teach this stuff.  It certainly is frustrating to know how to do something so well, but then to fall short when trying to explain it.  When did I develop that stutter?

On that note, I'm preparing for my level 1 certification training in March.  I've been reading the CF Bible and am (after helpful suggestions) trying to memorize the catch phrases.  Constantly varied, high-intensity, functional movement.  People, did you know that fitness is a sport????!!  Get used to it.  I'm pretty sure this is going to change the way the world works out.  I've already noticed gyms adding crossfit-like classes in an effort to keep up.

Speaking of working out - I do have to admit that I've noticed a change in the quality and intensity of my work outs since the challenge ended.  I'm not sure if it is mental or nutritional.  I still haven't figured out my goals for the next couple of months.  I need some goals to justify the diet and the diet to support the goals.  By the way, last night's dinner was shredded beef with tasty spices, topped with egg and jalapenos.  Totally Paleo.  Of course, I finished it off with a norcal margarita.  Yeah baby!  

Now what?

I am having a bit of trouble now figuring out exactly what to do with my eating. Paleo worked for me and I now know that I can live without cream in my coffee every day. So...does that mean I should only use it once or twice a week as a cheat? What is a cheat meal exactly? Do I go 6 days strict and have one day to splurge? What is 85% Paleo anyway? Is cheese really back on the menu as a regular thing or is it considered a cheat as well? I'm feeling slightly lost at this point.

Part of my problem is also that I have serious control issues. I tend to "feel fat" when my eating isn't strict or coupled with a hard work out. Since Wednesday, I have had 3 glasses of wine (which I'm not sure I like the feeling of), half and half in my coffee, a splash of cheese on an otherwise paleo meal and some stew that had bits of potato in it. Otherwise, everything has been paleo - no grains, no legumes, no sugar and I'm feeling fat!! WTF?

I'm going to have to play around with this post 30 day challenge stuff to figure out what works for me. Or, CF MASS is about to do another 30 day challenge. I suppose I could jump on that band wagon. Or, I can just do Paleo with tequila and half and half. Or, I can go vegetarian (NOT). Or, or, or, or, or... Oh I could go more strict and try the autoimmune protocol Eeeek!! No eggs, no nuts, no nightshades on top of the Paleo diet. I could do a cleanse or starve myself for a month.  Seriously though, I'm going to do some more research to figure out what to do now.  I didn't prepare myself for the ending of this very well.

My mindset today is very different than what it was back on January 2.  I'm more fit, leaner, tougher, uncontrolled by cravings and inspired by the improvements I've made over 30 days.  I don't want to go back or lose what I've gained.  At the same time, I don't want to be a Paleo nazi.  I guess it is time for more goal setting.    

Enjoying the little things.

I'm pretty happy to be done with the 30 day challenge. I'm enjoying a glass of wine (or two) and had half and half in my coffee today. These two things have been the most beautiful, tasty treats of all times. I am so glad I did this! Ok seriously - I'll take a break and formulate more helpful posts for the future.

Days 29 and 30 - The end? Or, just the beginning?

I made it! I can't even imagine going back to my naughty ways. The creamy, rich addition of cream to my coffee; or the smooth, cold sweetness of ice cream on my tongue; or the gassy, uncomfortable, bubbles of beans in my guts; or the classic post-sugar pig out nap; or the morning after nausea and headache after a night of too much wine....Or even worse, dwindling improvements to my WOD times and lifts. Aaaaah!!

The day 30 measurements are:
31 - Belly (start 32)
32.7 - hips (start 34)

That is a new bodyfat total of 17% - a loss of 3.36% in 30 days. If that isn't reason enough to try something like this for yourself, I don't know what is.

Well here are some other reasons -
I started out with very bad cravings for alcohol and chocolate. They are gone.
I successfully started tapering the citalopram (generic Celexa).
I learned a ton about myself through this process.
I went from 2 unassisted chin ups to 3.
I stepped outside my comfort zone and challenged myself to try something different.
Kale is my new best friend.
I love black coffee.
I found joy in blogging about this journey.
I signed up for CF L1 Trainer certification.
I found myself feeling euphoric in the middle of the week.
I am better able to concentrate.
I learned how to ask for help when needed. (Thank you Joe, Gina and Christy! You are my rocks.)

All of this in 30 days!!! What a trip.

What's next you ask?

I will continue to eat Paleo, but at 85%. This will allow for cheat meals and occasional libations. I will not be adding grains back in as they are not for me. I will continue to work hard on my work outs to see just how far I can take this 37.5 year old body. I will also continue to blog.

Thank you for reading and supporting me. Stay tuned for more adventures in Paleo Land.

Day 28 - Getting by

I read back through the past 27 days and it feels like it has been no time at all. A month is nothing in the grand scheme of things - just a start. It takes thirty days to change a new routine into a habit. I am grateful to be on this journey.

I was talking to someone at CF today about my college experience. I originally was a Pre-Physical Therapy major. This was the right place for me in hindsight, but I got off track. I was cut from the University of Kansas Division I softball team. I was really good at softball, in Illinois. In college I was competing with gals from California and Arizona who were able to play all year long. I wasn't that good apparently. This was my first major heartbreak in life. I cried for days and decided to abuse myself for a number of years after. I started smoking and stopped working out. I would show up to my health classes reeking of cigarette smoke. I felt like a hypocrite and decided I couldn't do it anymore. I transferred into the College of Arts and Sciences and changed my major to Sociology. Don't get me wrong, I loved Sociology and did well, but I've spent the last 15 year trying to get back to where I left off.

I became a massage therapist and had to give it up because of the RA. I now feel good enough to do it again, though it has been 12 years!!!! I started working on the prerequisites needed for PT programs last spring. It would have taken me 3 years to fulfill them. Then I would have to take the GRE and get into a full-time 3 year PT program. I make a good salary now and have good benefits. The idea of getting into debt, reducing my annual salary, and spending all that time back in school just doesn't feel good to me. Working on becoming a CrossFit Level 1 coach feels like me getting back on track. That feels good to me. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect work out/tribe/coaching opportunity/nutritional routine/group of friends.

Life is all about compromise. Back when I was 21 or 22 going to PT school would have made a ton of sense. Now, not so much. It is hard trying to figure things out, but I fully intend on taking it one day at a time, focusing on the things that make me happy, and following the path that feels right.

Day 27 - vertigo

A friend forwarded me this video about how Dr. Terry Wahls healed her MS through the Paleo Diet - http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxIowaCity-Dr-Terry-Wahls-Min. I am amazed! It really makes you wonder what the priorities of this country/people are. To support big pharma business in all ways possible? I have friends who would rather pop a pill or have surgery to heal themselves than eat the right foods. Waaah? Why not support local farmers and health through FOOD? That is where the future is - in small sustainable communities with self-sufficient food sources and cooperative living arrangements.

On a slightly related topic, I am suffering from vertigo. I'm not sure how the paleo diet is going to fix it, but I'll investigate. I think I have some low grade sinus BS happening that is making my world spin a bit. Happy Day 27.

Day 25 and Day 26 combined

As this winds down and I have the finish line in my sights I feel the need to combine posts. This week has been tough. I mentioned my struggles with RA over the years and how I've only had one flare up since starting CrossFit previously. I think I over did it on Sunday - sprinting like a maniac. I am still sore and haven't recovered fully. I believe I'm having a mild flare up.

I mentioned to Joe how sad it is to remember that I used to be in this place constantly. The flare ups used to put me in bed though and this is a far cry from that. After experiencing life without this mess, my tolerance for pain and fatigue is much less. I keep hearing Dr. Seton, my rheumatologist, in my head yelling - "take the methotrexate too!" Eh....

The sage wisdom from Joe is that I am ahead of the RA, but not far enough. I need to continue eating clean and double my fish oil intake (for no more than two weeks) to see if that helps at all.

Christy asked me what I was going to eat first after this is over. Funny....I didn't really have a craving for anything in particular. I said wine though. Probably not wine...probably some of Damema's limoncello that has been steeping in front of my face for the last 2 weeks.