Grumpy on a sunny day

The other day Damema roasted a chicken for dinner.  Instead of using a knife to cut the meat away from the bone I tore the flesh off with my hands.  I jokingly mentioned how paleo I felt -- really getting into my food and all.  

Little did I know at that moment, because she laughed, I had sparked a rage in Damema that I haven't seen in a while.  I've previously mentioned my history with food and weight, which has been something very difficult for Damema to deal with.  She is a foodie, a chef and eats to enjoy the experience.  That includes rich foods, desserts, fresh vegetables, french fries, beer.  Whatever it is, it isn't just sustenance, but rather an experience.

The thing about Paleo (or food in general?) is that it is really about sustenance for me.  It's what I'm putting in my mouth rather than the experience of what I'm putting in my mouth.  I've created a list of good vs. bad.  If it fits the paleo profile and I eat it then I am good or it is good.  If not...well you know - BAD.  I realize that these decisions I make about food affect my mood.  I have to work very hard to enjoy a piece of chocolate for the sake of enjoying a piece of chocolate without retribution or negative self-talk.  This post 30 day paleo world has me in a grumpy mood because I keep putting "bad" foods in my mouth.

You all are probably thinking, "well then why not stay with the strict paleo?"  This is the conundrum.  I do not live by myself in a vacuum.  Alone, I might make the choice to restrict my diet to the end of time.  The reality is that I am not alone (nor would I choose a life without Damema).  While my partner is supportive of a 30 day challenge once, twice, or even three times a year, she is not supportive of a lifetime of "paleo" eating.

The lesson here is that what I eat does not make me good or bad.  I am trying to make good food decisions to support my CrossFit habit though.  The "paleo" style of eating supports my physical output.  Sadly, I am not going to be an elite athlete.  (I was just going to say, "nor do I want to be." but I think that is a lie.)  The reason I stay fit is to keep myself healthy (not fat) and because I enjoy pushing myself.  There is no end goal in this.  There are only steady improvements and personal records (PRs) to be made.  It is a journey not a destination.  (How many other cliches can I come up with?)  I work out to better enjoy my life - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I also work out to balance my tumultuous relationship with food.  Until I find a  better way, exercise will remain to be a tool for me to balance the enjoyment of with the necessity for the edible.