More first world problems...

Funny that my last post talked about how positive my relationship with training/exercise is becoming... Time for flipside.

My head is in a negative tailspin after riding on a high for months. The key to my happiness, apparently, is having my diet and alcohol consumption under control. If I can't control myself, after all, how do I trust myself? I made the decision 120 days ago to only make choices that encourage self love. I was tired of beating myself up. It worked, for a time.

I'm on a downward spiral at the moment. I want to blame it on hormones. Maybe it is. Regardless, having been sick and unable to train was fine while I was sick. Now I'm suffering from an (another) identity crisis and am unmotivated to go to the gym. Reasons: 1.) I joined with the excitement of trying out my first power lifting competition. Apparently I needed a reminder that squats and deadlifts do not make my body feel good. In fact, nothing about the programming was making me feel good. We've since adjusted. I feel better, but what is the training now for? 2.) It is a power lifting gym that coins the phrase, "Train with a Purpose." WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? It's challenging, but not fun and I don't feel connected to others. 3.) Other than the powerlifters, there are a bunch of really great athletic high school baseball players. I just don't see where my demographic is. The 44 year old woman, crushed that she can't keep up with the youngin's or compete in the strength competitions she wants to.

Pull out your tiny violins please...

So, workouts need to be fun, at least - right? I tried out another local CrossFit gym yesterday. I hate CrossFit, it's true. But I felt at home. (To this day I still feel like paleo is the best food composition for me.) It's true, I drank the Kool-Aid. I see my people at CrossFit. People who have to work for a living and just want to be in shape. I guess that is who I am. I'm not a competitive athlete...anymore. I'm just trying to stay fit and have fun while doing it. I'd love to find some like-minded community.

On a separate note - where do the non-drinkers work out??? Why does the idea of work hard/play hard exist so intrinsically in the world. It is ingrained in my work and fitness? Why does "play hard" include drinking? 

Exercise

I have been active my whole life. Up at sunrise and on my bike. Initially it was an activity, something to occupy my time that was outside of the house. Movement made me happy. Then it became sport. Exercise was core to being a competent team member. It supported the goals of stamina and technical expertise. At some point it became a way to abuse myself, to try to burn calories eaten, to purge myself of the burdens put in my mouth. Eventually exercise again became a way to take care of myself and enjoy movement, sweat, and the burst of endorphins....

I think over the last decade or so it has been a way to prove to myself that my body is still capable and able. Fuck rheumatoid arthritis. Fuck joint pain. Fuck back pain. Pound, pound, pound, pound. Keep up with others. In trying to keep up, it became a necessity. It "negated" all the stress I was putting myself under - like drinking and all the attached mental anguish. Problem is that it just further stressed my body to the point where I now have back pain 24/7. I won't "woe is me" anymore about the back pain or how I got here, but the reality is that I cannot push through it anymore.

The majority of the last two weeks have not included exercise. Granted I've been traveling and sick, but there are a few things I've noticed. It is important to listen to and trust your body vs. your head sometimes. I have had trust issues with myself. The pain is always there whether I move or I don't, however some things hurt less than others. I want to do more of the things that hurt less. My cardiovascular fitness is crap right now. I want to work on that.

I've worked on changing my relationship with myself over the last year, under some pretty crazy circumstances and life changes. It only makes sense that I would be working on my relationship with exercise and fitness.