I need a change!

"I need a change."  I say it sometimes and sometimes has recently become more frequent.  I'm lucky though because I am going to get what I want - change is coming.  But before I get into the details, I am trying to figure out why change is so important.  Realistically we're in an ever evolving world and everything changes daily.  These daily changes are obvious (or not?), rational and uncontrollable.  I'm talking more about the controllable (are there any really?) changes as in routines and scenery.  Perhaps I'm looking more for changes in focus, or career path, or diet, or clothes, or hair style, or new ink, or just something!!  Please just change something!!

Does this happen to you?  You wake up itchy in your skin wanting something new?  When I was younger this feeling used to trigger a road trip, or or a new tattoo, or an indigo girls show in Colorado.  It's not as easy to pack up now, with dogs and responsibilities.  Oh responsibilities....

As of recently I've been itchy.  I've wanted a new routine - a new job (coming!), a new focus (coming!).  As a result I may seriously need an intervention.  I've been out of control with my diet - "fuck it all".  I feel like I've put all this effort into eating "paleo" and sticking to crossfit at least 4x a week with no results to show for it.  Yay!  A couple of PRs and now I can do 4 unassisted pull ups.  Who the hell cares?  I may also need an intervention on my bad attitude.  (I am a coach and need to model ideal crossfit behavior after all - sorry Joe.  I'll work it out.)   In the meantime - if I'm coaching you, do as I say, not as I do.  Or if you do as I do occasionally, be easier on yourself.  Changes are sometimes drastic and obvious and sometimes they creep up on you.  Also, you can't out train a bad diet, but sometimes ice cream and wine are necessary.  Sometimes you have to live like a badass and not feel bad about it.  Not everyone is going to be a crossfit competitor.  (Right Melissa???!!)

It is key to have goals to work towards.  I guarantee goals will set you on a healthy path.  It is important to develop realistic and measurable goals though.  I'm not going to tell you how to do that as I myself am struggling to figure out what is next.  

As for the upcoming changes - I will be starting a new job at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government as the Assistant Director of Research Administration at the Center for International Development.  If you want to know more about it e-mail or call me.  There might be another change coming that I'll tell you more about later too....

  

Love in the hot room

I recently took a Bikram class with Teri who owns the Bikram Yoga Merrimack Valley studio.  I was reminded of the journey I've been on over the last three years since starting my practice.  (I mentioned in a previous post that I wouldn't be where I am today without yoga, and I mean it.)  In the class she talked about the evil plan of yoga.  The plan is to make you happy and healthy.  Your friends will see this in you and want to know where they can get some.  More people will come to the studio to get happy and healthy.  Teri will have more clients which makes more money.  More money makes her rich and allows her to pay her teachers more money.  Cha-ching!  Winning all around.  

My favorite part of Teri's class is camel pose.  In between sets during our 20 second savasana (or dead body pose) she takes us on a journey through the things we might be feeling at that moment.  We could be "...dizzy, nauseous, elated, heart beating faster.  What do all of these things feel like?  They feel like falling in love!  Now just fall in love with yourself deeper in the second set."  This seems funny while she is saying it, but self love is required in order to heal yourself and the studio is a place to heal your mind, body, and spirit.

I walked in there for the first time in June 2009 to try to get some relief from the non-stop back pain I had been experiencing.  A few things were going on at the time.  I wasn't taking drugs for my arthritis, I had just broken up with my "cult" (a story for another day) and I was feeling like I didn't have a community or group of friends on the east coast.  I was looking for something healthy to further "heal" myself.  What I have learned over the last three years is so much more.  

Though it is hard some days, through this yoga, I have learned to look in the mirror and accept what is in front of me.  I have learned that the thing that changes every day is me.  Some days I am flexible and strong.  Some days I am awkward and unbalanced.  The learning is in being patient and persistent.  I have learned to listen to my body instead of just pushing through as I have done so many times in the past.  I have learned that the way I was treating myself wasn't enough and that it is ok to ask for help (medication or friends).  That is not a sign of weakness or failure.  I have learned how to meditate and be in the moment through 26 postures/2 breathing exercises in a room that is 105 degrees, half naked, looking at myself in the mirror, with up to 55+ other half naked people around me.  That 1.5 hours is intense and nothing outside of that room seems as tough comparatively.  I can get through anything just by breathing.  I have learned that I do have a community and if I need anything there is a group of people that I can count on and they can count on me!  I have also learned that I have something to learn from everyone.  We come from all walks of life.  We walk in the room unprotected and bond through our mutual hard work, sweat, and love.  Politics, religion, gay, straight, language, teacher, lawyer, fitness level, age - none of this matters in this room.  Only love matters.

Here is the thing - self deprecation can be "cute" during a comedy routine or to break tension when one is feeling uncomfortable.  However, when you're struggling through a heavy lift; or a 1.5 hour Bikram class; or a 25 minute workout of the day; or a chemo treatment; or a night of sleeplessness; or a chronic illness; or you're feeling guilty after a cheat meal; or you feel like you made a wrong choice in life; or you don't quite feel like you're where you want to be - what is needed is love and acceptance.  The only person in the room who can give that 100% of the time is you.  Learn to be good to yourself.

Thank you to my BYMV family and teachers:  Teri, Elaine, Melissa, Andrew, Terri, Thida, Sokha, Larry, and all of the many teachers who have shared themselves with our studio and me.