We're sitting here with our new smart T.V. listening to the Harry Potter sound track from Spotify on my iPhone. My, my how technology has changed since I was a kid. Where are my mix tapes?
Anyway, I've been thinking about change. I am a person who needs frequent change. Committing to the process without a sign that it is resulting in good things is hard for me. For example, I've been counting macros for the last year and a half. I've been working with a coach since August 2017. I've lost 20 pounds, which has been a good result. I hear about people doing this program raving about how great they feel. They are PRing left and right in the gym. They are free for the first time from the constant pulls of gravity and food.
I've learned a lot. I have a love/hate relationship with this journey. At times it is free and easy. Mostly that happens when I hit my numbers. Why? Because I'm "good". I'm motivated by the fact that I hit the mark for the day/week. Regardless, I haven't felt those awesome feelings people have experienced. I haven't PR'd in the gym. The most recent cut has been dominated by a 3 month illness, 2 rounds of antibiotics, back pain, and a lost period. I've felt "off" to put it lightly. Also, the daily weighing shows me that if I stray even slightly from the daily allotment of carbs, it will take days and days to recover. So what is this all for anyway?
Originally it was to cut a weight class. The ultimate focus for me now is that I want to feel good. I want to move with ease and without pain. I'm not sure that a life without pain is an option for me anymore. It is a reality I need to come to terms with. Learning methods to ignore the pain is what I will spend 2019 focusing on. At the same time, continuing to move my body and exercise is important to me.
I have turned counting macros and weight loss into another "self loathing" activity. I quit drinking in June in an effort to "love myself more" and instead of completely changing the habit, I replaced it with ice cream. Why? Because it fit my macros. I haven't chosen the most healthy foods over this most recent journey. It was the only way I could hit my 1500 daily calories and still justify making it to the gym.
This isn't sustainable for me any more. My health is at risk. My mental health is at risk. It is time for a change. It's time for the macros counting end game.
Tomorrow, I set out on a Whole30 challenge. This will be black and white. The choices are whole foods, no sugar, no legumes, no alcohol, no dairy, and no grains. My goal on this - good food choices and an ongoing effort to improve my daily well being. I will be documenting my food and adventures on Instagram under the name "imdrivingthebus". I still have time left with my coach, so this will all be done with macros - but the focus isn't on hitting them. The focus is on how I feel.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Creating my own life - what a concept??
I've talked a shit ton about struggle on this blog. It seems like it is my outlet for being on the "struggle bus" as of late. I'm kind of tired of my own vibe in that regard...
The bottom line is that I want to be good to myself. I want to make decisions that remove any sort of self-doubt, self-sabotage, self-flagellation, self-hatred...self-(insert negative word). I want to do a good job at work, and engage in a fulfilling and exciting life outside of work, full of adventure. I feel stifled in that "adventure" part. There is this habit loop whereby the week is structured and full and the weekends are empty and (I'm sorry to say it) boring. In the past, I've equated adventure with alcohol. I think it started when I lived in Atlanta. There were many nights where I would go to the bar alone and meet all kinds of people because I was more outgoing and relaxed when drinking. People were the same. It was a way to connect. Then we would have porch socials. The scene was small enough that some of that would exist beyond the bar. There was a whole community focused around alcohol and food and music. Those were some of the best days and memories of my life.
I want to connect with others and experience things. I've had this happen at CrossFit gyms, yoga studios, and other torturous exercise facilities. In those environments, we connect on some other form of reality and then retreat back to our regularly scheduled program. You might tell me "that is life." I disagree. I have this friend, Liza. She is constantly doing stuff - crazy stuff. I think sometimes she is irresponsible with money. She doesn't drink. She loves people and doesn't give a shit what they think about her. She's taken her hobbies and made them her life. There is a certain amount of energy required to carry some of this stuff forward. I don't know if it starts as a big idea in her head, or just grows into something as time goes on and she gets more people involved. Regardless, she's done several things that would be defined as "life time" experiences.
I do have a certain level of dissatisfaction with the current cycle of life. I also have a young child at home and have to respect the need for consistency. That said, I would also love for him to grow up outside of that cycle. I'd love for him to experience more adventure and connection with others.
One of the things I feel like I lack around all of this is energy. The energy to plan. The energy to carry out. Just walking around at the Ecotarium the other day was exhausting. Do I need carbs? Hahahaha... so there are two things I would like to focus on - improving energy and having more adventure. Next, I will figure out what those two ideas look like in my life.
The bottom line is that I want to be good to myself. I want to make decisions that remove any sort of self-doubt, self-sabotage, self-flagellation, self-hatred...self-(insert negative word). I want to do a good job at work, and engage in a fulfilling and exciting life outside of work, full of adventure. I feel stifled in that "adventure" part. There is this habit loop whereby the week is structured and full and the weekends are empty and (I'm sorry to say it) boring. In the past, I've equated adventure with alcohol. I think it started when I lived in Atlanta. There were many nights where I would go to the bar alone and meet all kinds of people because I was more outgoing and relaxed when drinking. People were the same. It was a way to connect. Then we would have porch socials. The scene was small enough that some of that would exist beyond the bar. There was a whole community focused around alcohol and food and music. Those were some of the best days and memories of my life.
I want to connect with others and experience things. I've had this happen at CrossFit gyms, yoga studios, and other torturous exercise facilities. In those environments, we connect on some other form of reality and then retreat back to our regularly scheduled program. You might tell me "that is life." I disagree. I have this friend, Liza. She is constantly doing stuff - crazy stuff. I think sometimes she is irresponsible with money. She doesn't drink. She loves people and doesn't give a shit what they think about her. She's taken her hobbies and made them her life. There is a certain amount of energy required to carry some of this stuff forward. I don't know if it starts as a big idea in her head, or just grows into something as time goes on and she gets more people involved. Regardless, she's done several things that would be defined as "life time" experiences.
I do have a certain level of dissatisfaction with the current cycle of life. I also have a young child at home and have to respect the need for consistency. That said, I would also love for him to grow up outside of that cycle. I'd love for him to experience more adventure and connection with others.
One of the things I feel like I lack around all of this is energy. The energy to plan. The energy to carry out. Just walking around at the Ecotarium the other day was exhausting. Do I need carbs? Hahahaha... so there are two things I would like to focus on - improving energy and having more adventure. Next, I will figure out what those two ideas look like in my life.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Excuses to Sabotage Yourself
I've been on my current cut for 16 weeks. The progress is slow, oh so very slow. My reasoning for this most recent cut was originally two fold. I had purchased an extra 24 weeks that I needed to use, and I had totally derailed my "maintenance" phase into an "all you can consume" phase. During that craze I spent much of my time wrapped up in self loathing. This cut was an attempt to get things back under control and to focus on making decisions in the name of self love.
I did great for the first 13ish weeks or so. I've been on a bender of crazed thinking as of late. See, I got sick 10 weeks ago and still haven't shaken it. I did a round of antibiotics and sorry for the details, but there is still some foul smelling/tasting stuff stuck up in my sinuses. It comes out whenever it wants to, whether I'm prepared or not. No fever or anything, but my energy has been limited. Also, around the same time, I stopped having my period. I know this is a fairly normal occurrence for lean women who work out 4x a day. Me -no. I've been regular my whole life - except for that time when I was 14 and weighed 126 pounds and ate barely anything. Coach said it could be due to low calories. Also around the same time, I realized that most of the exercise I was doing was killing my back. Thus all things squat and deadlift have been eliminated - which means that I am not really training for anything, even though I'm working out at a power lifting gym. Lastly, my wife and I now work at the same place and the ONLY reason we would drive separately is so that I can go to the gym.
Finding motivation and energy to work out, let alone life right now is a challenge.
I recently broke through a plateau and hit the 140s. It's been a LONG time since I've been in the 140s. Couple this with my motivation struggles and I'm thinking that anything below 150 is unsustainable. So why even try anymore?? Insert lots of ice cream, blowing macros out the window, probably a subsequent scale increase to reinforce how unsustainable 148 is. Then spend 2 weeks trying to get back to 148 and struggle the whole time having this cyclical conversation over and over again. Gah.
I'm at a crossroads. It's either time to buckle down and own it, or it is truly time to quit. I wanted to see if I could hit the 140s. It was never an actual goal to stay there. Perhaps it should be and I should stop being such a little cry baby who wants to quit when things get hard.
I did great for the first 13ish weeks or so. I've been on a bender of crazed thinking as of late. See, I got sick 10 weeks ago and still haven't shaken it. I did a round of antibiotics and sorry for the details, but there is still some foul smelling/tasting stuff stuck up in my sinuses. It comes out whenever it wants to, whether I'm prepared or not. No fever or anything, but my energy has been limited. Also, around the same time, I stopped having my period. I know this is a fairly normal occurrence for lean women who work out 4x a day. Me -no. I've been regular my whole life - except for that time when I was 14 and weighed 126 pounds and ate barely anything. Coach said it could be due to low calories. Also around the same time, I realized that most of the exercise I was doing was killing my back. Thus all things squat and deadlift have been eliminated - which means that I am not really training for anything, even though I'm working out at a power lifting gym. Lastly, my wife and I now work at the same place and the ONLY reason we would drive separately is so that I can go to the gym.
Finding motivation and energy to work out, let alone life right now is a challenge.
I recently broke through a plateau and hit the 140s. It's been a LONG time since I've been in the 140s. Couple this with my motivation struggles and I'm thinking that anything below 150 is unsustainable. So why even try anymore?? Insert lots of ice cream, blowing macros out the window, probably a subsequent scale increase to reinforce how unsustainable 148 is. Then spend 2 weeks trying to get back to 148 and struggle the whole time having this cyclical conversation over and over again. Gah.
I'm at a crossroads. It's either time to buckle down and own it, or it is truly time to quit. I wanted to see if I could hit the 140s. It was never an actual goal to stay there. Perhaps it should be and I should stop being such a little cry baby who wants to quit when things get hard.
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