Excuses to Sabotage Yourself

I've been on my current cut for 16 weeks. The progress is slow, oh so very slow. My reasoning for this most recent cut was originally two fold. I had purchased an extra 24 weeks that I needed to use, and I had totally derailed my "maintenance" phase into an "all you can consume" phase. During that craze I spent much of my time wrapped up in self loathing. This cut was an attempt to get things back under control and to focus on making decisions in the name of self love.

I did great for the first 13ish weeks or so. I've been on a bender of crazed thinking as of late. See, I got sick 10 weeks ago and still haven't shaken it. I did a round of antibiotics and sorry for the details, but there is still some foul smelling/tasting stuff stuck up in my sinuses. It comes out whenever it wants to, whether I'm prepared or not. No fever or anything, but my energy has been limited. Also, around the same time, I stopped having my period. I know this is a fairly normal occurrence for lean women who work out 4x a day. Me -no. I've been regular my whole life - except for that time when I was 14 and weighed 126 pounds and ate barely anything. Coach said it could be due to low calories. Also around the same time, I realized that most of the exercise I was doing was killing my back. Thus all things squat and deadlift have been eliminated - which means that I am not really training for anything, even though I'm working out at a power lifting gym. Lastly, my wife and I now work at the same place and the ONLY reason we would drive separately is so that I can go to the gym.

Finding motivation and energy to work out, let alone life right now is a challenge.

I recently broke through a plateau and hit the 140s. It's been a LONG time since I've been in the 140s. Couple this with my motivation struggles and I'm thinking that anything below 150 is unsustainable. So why even try anymore?? Insert lots of ice cream, blowing  macros out the window, probably a subsequent scale increase to reinforce how unsustainable 148 is. Then spend 2 weeks trying to get back to 148 and struggle the whole time having this cyclical conversation over and over again. Gah.

I'm at a crossroads. It's either time to buckle down and own it, or it is truly time to quit. I wanted to see if I could hit the 140s. It was never an actual goal to stay there. Perhaps it should be and I should stop being such a little cry baby who wants to quit when things get hard.