I'm in the middle of a lot of change and I am triggered all over the place. I think we try to avoid feeling sad or angry and do it many different ways. Some of us avoid by compromising ourselves; or we retreat and shut down; or we drink our misery away into numbness; or we lift all the weights hoping that one day gravity just evaporates. The hardest thing to do is to sit in the feeling. Let it take over. It is hard to do especially when you need to be the adult, the parent, or the bread winner - always needing to be strong and responsible.
I am in the middle of change and it is exciting, scary, sad and it triggers me because I am letting people down and breaking my word. I could just change my mind and make the anger I've provoked evaporate. At what cost though? We get into the hum of it all again and I wonder, "what the hell have I done?"
I have to think about my values and my soul and my family. I need to bolster these things and make them a priority. Me and my family - at the risk of letting others down. This is an important lesson. One I need to learn. I am going to listen to the pain, cry the tears and take the steps forward - to what? Who knows? That's what makes life an adventure.
I'm going to do what I want to do - for me, my life and my family.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Sports, mullets and Olympics
Watching the Olympics has been really great. It is one of my favorite things to watch - especially weightlifting and rugby. Two sports I've participated in. When softball comes back, I'll gleefully watch that as well. (Though I'm not all that impressed with all the ribbons in all the women's hair.) Ok actually I'm not going to let this go... I was watching rugby in the Olympics and there are strong ladies - gay and straight alike. There are ladies with short and long hair, and muscles. These are the women that play rugby.
I was just curious about an old acquaintance who was a softball player. Actually, I thought she was pretty hot. (I even named a dog after her.) In any case, I was taken back to the first few weeks of college. I wanted to play softball for a division I team and thought I was good enough. Let me cut to the chase - I wasn't good enough. But that isn't what this is about. It's about women and how they are being asked to present themselves.
I plain old had a mullet when I went to college. For some reason, in 1992, I thought they were attractive. It was a symbol of who I was. A major "Fuck You" to the place I grew up. Short sides and a party in the back. My hair was a symbol. I had always been an athlete and it was where I found peace and security to be myself - mullet and all. So when I went to college and my first roommate opened the door, looked at me, sighed and turned her back on me... I got a dose of reality. This is the same attitude that the coach of the KU team at the time had about women. There was no place for mullets or short hair on the softball field. (I know this wasn't the only reason I was cut, so I acknowledge that, but that attitude was real.)
It was around this time that I started noticing women in sports and their appearances more globally. They had long hair with ribbons. They were soft. Perhaps they even wore lipstick during games. When softball went pro and was televised, this became even more the norm. Then when it went to the Olympics in 1996...it was like I was looking at women so very different from myself. Even though, I knew (you always know) some of these women sold themselves. They were probably asked to grow their hair long and put on make up in order to maintain the public's standards of femininity.
So again. I was watching the Olympics today in 2016 and was very happy to see the butch, rugged women on the pitch playing rugby. I was happy to see the long and short haired muscular women on the lifting platform. Then, I flipped to a college softball game and once again - "who are these women??" Long hair and ribbons. As a culture, we've come a long way, but not really.
There is so much hate out there and putting each other down. We are all human beings, with unique identities and desires of how to project ourselves in the world. We need to build each other up and celebrate. Butch women. Straight women. Strong women. Large and small women. Mothers, daughters. Athletes and artists. Wear your mullet. Be strong and be proud.
I was just curious about an old acquaintance who was a softball player. Actually, I thought she was pretty hot. (I even named a dog after her.) In any case, I was taken back to the first few weeks of college. I wanted to play softball for a division I team and thought I was good enough. Let me cut to the chase - I wasn't good enough. But that isn't what this is about. It's about women and how they are being asked to present themselves.
I plain old had a mullet when I went to college. For some reason, in 1992, I thought they were attractive. It was a symbol of who I was. A major "Fuck You" to the place I grew up. Short sides and a party in the back. My hair was a symbol. I had always been an athlete and it was where I found peace and security to be myself - mullet and all. So when I went to college and my first roommate opened the door, looked at me, sighed and turned her back on me... I got a dose of reality. This is the same attitude that the coach of the KU team at the time had about women. There was no place for mullets or short hair on the softball field. (I know this wasn't the only reason I was cut, so I acknowledge that, but that attitude was real.)
It was around this time that I started noticing women in sports and their appearances more globally. They had long hair with ribbons. They were soft. Perhaps they even wore lipstick during games. When softball went pro and was televised, this became even more the norm. Then when it went to the Olympics in 1996...it was like I was looking at women so very different from myself. Even though, I knew (you always know) some of these women sold themselves. They were probably asked to grow their hair long and put on make up in order to maintain the public's standards of femininity.
So again. I was watching the Olympics today in 2016 and was very happy to see the butch, rugged women on the pitch playing rugby. I was happy to see the long and short haired muscular women on the lifting platform. Then, I flipped to a college softball game and once again - "who are these women??" Long hair and ribbons. As a culture, we've come a long way, but not really.
There is so much hate out there and putting each other down. We are all human beings, with unique identities and desires of how to project ourselves in the world. We need to build each other up and celebrate. Butch women. Straight women. Strong women. Large and small women. Mothers, daughters. Athletes and artists. Wear your mullet. Be strong and be proud.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Adulting
Back when we moved to New England, we had this vision of ourselves. We would own a house, with a yard. We would have a child. We would get married - which at the time was only an option in Massachusetts. The wife would become a veterinary technician. We would live in our house for 7ish years and then move to the next, bigger and better one - using the market in much the same way our parents did. We would be part of the middle class and give our child(ren) a safe and comfortable upbringing.
I am happy to say that we have accomplished all of this, but not exactly as we had originally thought. We moved here exactly 10 years ago and moved in with my mom as a temporary fix, while our condo back in Chicago was on the market. Once it sold we would have money to put towards a new place in the New England area. I was working for a consulting group, so my work was flexible and we could take some time to figure out where we wanted to live. We explored Burlington, VT, Portsmouth, NH, Lowell, Worcester, Newburyport, and Salem, MA.
Back in Chicago, the market crashed. What we had listed our condo originally was no longer viable a week later. In fact it was a downright ridiculously highball listing. It took a year, but eventually we sold. We lost money on the deal. Let me just put it that way.
So, let's just say, we were a little limited. Our vision of a house turned into the cheapest condo we could find. We looked in Lowell, mostly. We even looked at apartments. My wife was depressed at this point. Very depressed. Living at my mother's house didn't help and in fact worsened the depression. She had no identity and no job. At that point, we rushed to find a place to live - "no money down" was still a thing then.
This is how we ended up in Lawrence. We bought a house - a comfortable house that needed some interior work. We thought we were up for the task. My parents had done a ton of house renovations on their own when I was growing up. I could do it too. Except I couldn't and can't. Other than painting, I really am not that interested in fixing up houses. Partly because I have to read a book to learn how to do everything and partly because I HATE LIVING IN CHAOS!! I know and knew this last part about myself going into the new house.
But back to the vision for us. We bought this house and once again the market crashed. We were immediately underwater and have been for almost a decade. That said, we had a house with a yard. The wife became a vet tech. We got married and had a baby. Said baby is now the focus, and we need to figure out schooling - which is why we're making the next move.
I think I grew up thinking that living with family is a crutch and that if I live with family it means that I am not capable of being an adult. And here is where I still struggle... We have moved into what we call the "gray house" (vs. the "green house"). We're in North Andover now, where the school systems are much better than Lawrence, and we're co-habitating with my mother. I feel defensive. I feel like a failure. I know this doesn't have to be permanent. I feel like it should be reversed though... I have my life together to the point where my mother moves in with us...
Well that's where we are. Now we are doing what we can to get the "green house" ready to put on the market. Time to take the next step.
I am happy to say that we have accomplished all of this, but not exactly as we had originally thought. We moved here exactly 10 years ago and moved in with my mom as a temporary fix, while our condo back in Chicago was on the market. Once it sold we would have money to put towards a new place in the New England area. I was working for a consulting group, so my work was flexible and we could take some time to figure out where we wanted to live. We explored Burlington, VT, Portsmouth, NH, Lowell, Worcester, Newburyport, and Salem, MA.
Back in Chicago, the market crashed. What we had listed our condo originally was no longer viable a week later. In fact it was a downright ridiculously highball listing. It took a year, but eventually we sold. We lost money on the deal. Let me just put it that way.
So, let's just say, we were a little limited. Our vision of a house turned into the cheapest condo we could find. We looked in Lowell, mostly. We even looked at apartments. My wife was depressed at this point. Very depressed. Living at my mother's house didn't help and in fact worsened the depression. She had no identity and no job. At that point, we rushed to find a place to live - "no money down" was still a thing then.
This is how we ended up in Lawrence. We bought a house - a comfortable house that needed some interior work. We thought we were up for the task. My parents had done a ton of house renovations on their own when I was growing up. I could do it too. Except I couldn't and can't. Other than painting, I really am not that interested in fixing up houses. Partly because I have to read a book to learn how to do everything and partly because I HATE LIVING IN CHAOS!! I know and knew this last part about myself going into the new house.
But back to the vision for us. We bought this house and once again the market crashed. We were immediately underwater and have been for almost a decade. That said, we had a house with a yard. The wife became a vet tech. We got married and had a baby. Said baby is now the focus, and we need to figure out schooling - which is why we're making the next move.
I think I grew up thinking that living with family is a crutch and that if I live with family it means that I am not capable of being an adult. And here is where I still struggle... We have moved into what we call the "gray house" (vs. the "green house"). We're in North Andover now, where the school systems are much better than Lawrence, and we're co-habitating with my mother. I feel defensive. I feel like a failure. I know this doesn't have to be permanent. I feel like it should be reversed though... I have my life together to the point where my mother moves in with us...
Well that's where we are. Now we are doing what we can to get the "green house" ready to put on the market. Time to take the next step.
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