I joined One Year No Beer for a 90 day alcohol free challenge. I'm currently on day 64 and am not sure I'm going back. I've learned some things about myself over the last couple of months.
Growing up, I never felt quite like I fit in. I wasn't part of a clique and any time I got close to one, I found myself wanting out. While I was an athlete in high school, my team wasn't my clique. Except for a couple people, we were not close off the field or court. I had maybe 2 or 3 good friends and even in junior high, those friends proved to be vicious. My perception of the rejection was because I was never girly enough, awake after 9pm enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or cool enough.
There were several points along my life where I made decisions about who I wanted to be. In 5th grade I started wearing what I thought were boys clothes - jeans, boots and sweaters. I started stealing (because that's what boys did), and smoking cigars under the train tracks. That summer before 6th grade I cut my own hair, really, really short. In 8th grade, I decided I didn't need anyone and I was going to wear my home made stuff - mainly tie dye and home made bracelets. In 9th grade, I lost some weight and started wearing skirts. That lasted only a short time, though -- the skirts, that is. That year, I also developed an eating disorder which ended when I got mononucleosis. (Funny enough, that year I got the most approval from my immediate family. I was finally the "girl" they wanted.)
Yeah, I still wasn't cool. My college roommate opened the door to let me into our dorm, took one look, huffed and turned her back. She moved out a week later after having all her boyfriends call and harass me. I never really related to my own age group. They were suffocating and obnoxious. I didn't fit in, until I started drinking.
I loosened up. I was funny and uninhibited. Albeit, it took a while to develop a tolerance to alcohol. I kept working at it though. I found solace in being a bit altered. It wasn't eating and it became somewhat of a reward. Over the years, I used alcohol to fit in to other groups - rugby, CrossFit, consulting, other jobs, particular day-drinking friends, life... and even now, I'm in a new job and the joke of the day is how each person is going to end their day with the drink of their choice. When drinking, I would often hear about how funny and great I was buzzed.. How people loved me. I have besties made over days of drinking - drunken heart to hearts. People I thought I could relate to on all levels. People I thought would love me through it all.
Not drinking tears away the falsities and shows the flawed thinking. It also has made me acutely aware of my awkwardness and not coolness. I'm hesitant to tell people I don't drink, for fear of not being invited to...you name it. For fear of not fitting in, not being cool enough.
This is where I currently am on this journey. It's ok though. I'm super cool to my wife and son. I feel good in the mornings. I can make good, sober food choices. I am learning a ton about myself. My mind is clear. I can trust myself to follow through and I'm making choices that ultimately build me up, rather than tear me down.
