Struggling through an injury

Yes, it is true.  We are not superheroes.  We bleed and we break down.

I'm going to cut to the chase here.  If you have pain - pay attention and tend to your shit.

I chose to ignore my nagging achilles pain after "tweaking" my ankle while playing volleyball (under the influence of a couple of norcal margaritas).  I don't suggest that anyone train while under the influence by the way.  It was a moving party...  In any case, I digress.  That was the late summer/fall of 2012.

I really thought that by limiting my jumping and running, the pain would eventually get better.  What started out as achilles pain ended up turning into heel and achilles pain.  The heel pain was very specific and felt like a wooden spike being shoved into my bone.  (This is now summer of 2013, btw.)  What changed?  1) I started lifting heavier and doing more hypertrophy training; 2) I put on weight from said hypertrophy training; 3) I started commuting by train, adding many more miles of walking to my daily routine.

Finally in Oct 2013, I got things checked out by a doctor.  Turns out there was a heel spur, a small tear in my achilles and an inflamed plantar fascia (though at the time, my symptoms weren't consistent with plantar fasciitis).  I went to PT (a shout out to Gemini Physical Therapy in Haverhill) where the achilles pain was treated.  After treatment things were better, but the heel pain remained.  My doctor told me the injury was difficult to treat and that I couldn't injure myself further.  I think as a type-A personality that was sort of a challenge.  "Could I hurt myself further?"  Of course!

It was about this time that I thought that sprint training would be an ideal addition to my training routine.  Right, because pounding on the bottom of my foot was a good idea.  Anyway, you all are probably thinking I'm the ultimate masochist by this point.  The reality is that the pain would wax and wane, as would the intensity of my work outs.

Eventually I returned to the doctor with full blown plantar fasciitis and a pissed off heel spur.  His solution to the problem was to shoot it with cortisone right then and there. Um - no thanks.  So I searched out a second opinion...which landed me in a boot and out of working out for 6 weeks.

So, here I sit - at a crossroads and the decision is mine.

Own your injury silly.  Own it!  I have a bum heel.  That means I cannot run, nor can I jump, nor can I over-load that foot.  I let this get too out of control.  Don't let your shit get too far out of control.  Pay attention.  Pain tells you something.  Don't ignore it.     

Change is in the air

The deal is that I spend too much time talking about how things aren't how I want them to be and not enough time about what I want and where I'm going.  The reality is that I'm scared.  I feel an obligation to be the the stable-income provider for the family.  I have this block and it circulates around having health care and paying my bills. I get stuck in thinking that the only way to have these two things is to stick to the same routine I'm in now.  This routine leaves me unhappy, dissatisfied and just plain pissed off.  When I talk or think about having a different routine, I get mad at myself and think I "should be grateful" or "I have my basic needs met, why do I need more?" 

What I want.

I want to help people move.  Plain and simple.  I want to get people off their asses.  I want those who are immobile and depressed to find hope through movement.  I want to help people find community through movement.  I want to help people accomplish things they never thought they could. 

What I have.

Currently I am working at Harvard to bring home a stable income and provide family healthcare.  The commute is long and I feel there is very little left of me at the end of the day.  I have a healthy son, a wife that can stay home with him.  I have a vibrant gym community and money to pay my bills.  I have 2 cars and a roof over my head.  

At the same time, I work at a CrossFit gym where I get to do what I want.  There are gaps though.  CrossFit is expensive and doesn't necessarily attract the types of clients that I want to ultimately get moving.  That said, I get to see and help people accomplish things they never thought the could, day in and day out.  Would I drop my day job and work at CrossFit (if it provided healthcare and a steady paycheck)?  Yes, but CrossFit isn't without it's problems.  

I am also studying to sit for the Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist (CSCS) exam.  What I'm finding is that I have little time to devote to studying.  It isn't easy stuff either.  I have to relearn exercise physiology and bioenergetics.  Stuff that I haven't studied since 1993.  I actually have to STUDY.

I will also be attending the Functional Movement Systems (FMS) training in a couple of weeks.  This will give me the FMS certification and more tools to use when assessing a person's mobility and stability prior to training them. 

All of this sounds great, right?  Why do I feel so stuck?  I should be grateful for what I have while I work toward what I want - right?

I find this is where I get caught up.  I go around and around and around -- scared to say "no".  Scared to say "yes".  Scared to fail.  Scared to fail at providing for my family.  Scared to take the next step.  Scared to make a change.  Scared to succeed.  Scared to love my life.  Overwhelmed by the details of what is possible.

This is the crux of the matter and I am going to use this blog to document my progress and hold myself accountable for taking steps toward what I want.