Erratic

So I finally closed the loop on something that was bothering me for a good portion of 2014. The meeting was really great, though I learned some interesting things.

Let me set up some background.

I had probably the most stressful job of my life, combined with the arrival of my son between 2012-2014. The job required that I be on the computer first thing in the morning, all day and last thing before bed. I was even "on call" during the birth of my son and the subsequent parental leave. To give you an idea of the environment - I was entitled to 4 weeks parental leave, which I took half of up front. I then took the second half on Fridays over the summer. At 4 months, Walker had to have surgery to open up a fused plate in his head to allow things to grow correctly. The executive director of my center asked me to use the last 2 weeks of parental leave during that surgery even though they were TWO SEPARATE EVENTS!!!!!

On top of all this, I was coaching CrossFit - which was/is a passion. Because I hated my job so much, I wanted more than anything to transition to coaching full time. There were a few problems with that though - 1) I am the primary bread winner. 2) I have the health insurance through my employer. 3) I make a lot of money and coaching full time would have been a huge pay cut.

CF was my get away - a place I could work out and help others to better themselves. What I think happened was that at some point the guy I worked for felt like I was drifting away. At that point, he stopped interacting with me on social media. (I hate that social media has any impact at all, by the way.) This guy though, in my mind, was family and a very good friend, so his lack of responding on FB to me was him drifting away from me -- which felt like a stake in the heart. I had been loyal and committed to coaching and supporting his business. In the interim, he changed his model and started treating me, a friend, like an employee - which was a further stake in the heart. In his mind, I was drifting away, so he stopped supporting any CrossFit related things on FB. Over the next 6 months or so the drift widened and I needed to figure out a way to make my life less stressful -- which ultimately resulted in leaving the CF I was coaching at.

In any case -- the meeting taught me that from his point of view - I was erratic or "unpredictable".

1) I was erratic in mood, direction, goals, scheduling, etc. Not ever in my coaching though. I was consistent and loyal and committed to the clients well-being. I don't think that is what we're talking about though.
2) I wasn't just an employee if I was considered erratic...
3) Some people aren't the people you tell everything to. My stress was palpable and unfortunately, this guy was super stressed too. I think together, it was too much.
4) He still cares. 

I feel relieved and grateful to be on the other side of this turmoil.

Catching up

As for goals... Ha ha, things never happen as fast as we like.

I've been playing around with the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) program for approximately 2 months now, with what feels like little results. At the turn of the new year, my feeling was that cutting out the alcohol would be the one factor that would change everything. Well, I haven't cut it out yet. I have incorporated those calories into the count and it screws up the ability to meet all the macros. I usually cut the carb calories to capture the alcohol. I'll get there though. The good thing is that my measurements haven't changed from what they were during the diet I did with Rita. So this is very, very good!! Also, about the IIFYM - I'm doing a cut, which means my calorie intake is about 1850 cal/day or a 500 calorie deficit from TDEE. This seems like a lot some days and not a lot other days. 

I competed in an RX team competition on January 11 - the CF Tri County Snow Down. Marisabel and I came in 8th out of 20 teams. I'm pretty happy with that finish. The amazing thing about the competition was that about 8 teams from my box competed - some for the first time. We had 4 teams make it to the finals and one team on the podium. It was such a great experience. I've signed up to compete at CF Iron Spider in a Cougars, Young Bucks comp with the guy who was my judge for the first comp I did where I dropped the barbell on my knee.

About my knee... we named the big bursa Bertha. I thought I was going to have her drained on the 12th, but the doctor decided against it. Instead she wanted to focus on the fact that I have a 5MM focal defect on the underside of my patella along with chondramalacia. I am supposed to see my PT, who basically told me that if I want to extend the life of my knee, I should find a sport that doesn't involve knee lunges or deep squats. Sigh... I'm not ready to do that yet.

Speaking of, I've signed up for a year training with Risto Sports. I'm looking to fine tune my olympic lifting technique and increase my numbers. I'm supposed to go up there today and I'm feeling a little nervous... More on that later.

Looking back

I notice a lot of people being glad to see 2014 go. I'm trying to remember what my year was like. It started in Savannah with my in laws. Sadly that turned out to be the last time we would see my father-in-law, as he passed away in October.

I coached a lot at CrossFit MASS during the first half of the year and mourned the loss of that experience, and those friends and family for a good portion of the remaining half of the year. My identity was so tied up in CrossFit MASS as a coach and a person. Those were my people and I really thought they were my family. I have come to find that wasn't necessarily the case. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence creates a big void of "out of sight, out of mind". Well at least that is what it feels like. I'm still working on the CFM thing, as I think of it almost daily. Gladly, there isn't the painful emotional response with each thought anymore. I am left to wonder though if CFM, for me, represents a single person. The one person I feel like I really lost in that "divorce". And...this all has made me think about friendship and what makes a good friend. There has to be a meeting in the middle at some point. A give and take. A give and take. Sometimes more give and sometimes more take. But effort is the key.  To be continued...

Our son continues to grow and excel. He started walking at about age 1 - right about Easter time. His mobility and interest in movement has kept both of us busy. He started daycare 2 days a week and is really enjoying it. Plus, it gives momma a break. Since starting daycare, he has been sick quite a bit, which makes Maddy (me) nervous. All in all though, he is doing great -- our little bug.

When I left CFM, I started working out and coaching at CF Medusa - an all women's gym in Cambridge. The original goal was to find a community again, get coached again, and try to simplify life. Traffic is a drag and since they are already down in Cambridge it was much easier to get to work. Honestly, I feel like starting to coach there ruined the whole thing. Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy coaching. I also really enjoy being coached. Medusa has a different mentality about training women. Lots of cardio, less heavy strength. All the WODs are killer, but not strength focused - which is what I love. Also, while I love the ladies of CF Medusa, it started to feel like a job. I wasn't connecting with the other coaches or owner and couldn't engage in more CF Medusa activities (if there were any). I only knew the morning clients, who were great. But if asked what affiliate I was with, I wouldn't say CF Medusa. CF is my passion, which is what I would like it to remain. I put in my notice and in 2015 will be a single affiliate girl again.

Through the chaos of CFM, I found another group in Andover. They are all I could ask for in a box. I don't idolize the owners. They are down to earth and supportive of my competitions. They all show up in support. They are warm and welcoming. This is their passion as well, not their job. It is and continues to be fun for them. This is a good environment for me. And I look forward to seeing what 2015 brings for me at CFA.

I went from the most stressful job ever, to a more manageable one at the end of May. This has and continues to be a really great change for me. There is a good deal of room to grow in this job and I look forward to seeing what happens in the new year.

We went from being a two income family to one. Damema's part time job at Harvard finally ended. This, of course, presents new challenges. We will see how this works moving forward as well. It is good for now. Though we are much more limited, we are happy and enjoy spending time together.

All and all, it appears to be that the themes in my life are family, CrossFit and work. This will continue into 2015. Looking back, the beginning of 2014 was utterly stressful but it ended much better than it started.

Onward...