Positivity and/or Exhaustion?

I think I may have figured something out.  It has been a long time since I've pushed my body this hard - probably since high school.  In addition to diet, CrossFit emphasizes sleep and the importance of 8-10 hours of it.  I've never been a late night person and I am inclined to get my full 8 hours of sleep (even though I'm up at 5am every day.)  Yes, do the math - sleep, wake up, eat, work, workout, eat, shower, sleep.  It is a cycle for sure and one that doesn't lead to a life of adventure.  Unless, of course, you consider the commute to Boston every day an adventure.  I do get to see some pretty amazing sunrises.

I've gotten off topic though.  Over the weekend, I did my usual routine - 8am Saturday Bikram, 10am Sunday CrossFit.  Monday was a holiday so I did 9am Bikram and 5:30pm CrossFit.  Guess what?  I didn't wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go on Tuesday.  Instead, I fought exhaustion and fatigue all day.  I also fought a foul and bad attitude.  This fatigue (and grumpiness) is something I've been experiencing since mid-January.  Is it the winter doldrums?  Am I having an RA flare?  Am I depressed?  Am I bored?  Blah?  Blah?  Blah?  It has gotten so bad recently that I emailed my Rheumatologist and scheduled an appointment with my doctor.

Last night I got into bed at 8pm and slept until 6am.  I feel G-R-E-A-T.  I'm not sore and I feel well, kind of positive.  A black cloud has lifted.  This is day one of an experiment though.  Is my struggle due to a lack of rest/sleep?  (Or could this be a coincidence because I get to work from home on Wednesdays?)

This brings me to another point.  How in the world can you balance positivity with exhaustion?  No wonder we're in a world full of nastiness.  People don't get enough sleep.  Walking zombies, trudging through life sending out nasty vibes to the world.  I woke up to an email from a friend.  She wrote the following:

"Please think POSITIVE. I really believe that negativity can change the course of events. Think POSITIVE."

Get some rest, change your outlook and change the world people.  

         

Grumpy on a sunny day

The other day Damema roasted a chicken for dinner.  Instead of using a knife to cut the meat away from the bone I tore the flesh off with my hands.  I jokingly mentioned how paleo I felt -- really getting into my food and all.  

Little did I know at that moment, because she laughed, I had sparked a rage in Damema that I haven't seen in a while.  I've previously mentioned my history with food and weight, which has been something very difficult for Damema to deal with.  She is a foodie, a chef and eats to enjoy the experience.  That includes rich foods, desserts, fresh vegetables, french fries, beer.  Whatever it is, it isn't just sustenance, but rather an experience.

The thing about Paleo (or food in general?) is that it is really about sustenance for me.  It's what I'm putting in my mouth rather than the experience of what I'm putting in my mouth.  I've created a list of good vs. bad.  If it fits the paleo profile and I eat it then I am good or it is good.  If not...well you know - BAD.  I realize that these decisions I make about food affect my mood.  I have to work very hard to enjoy a piece of chocolate for the sake of enjoying a piece of chocolate without retribution or negative self-talk.  This post 30 day paleo world has me in a grumpy mood because I keep putting "bad" foods in my mouth.

You all are probably thinking, "well then why not stay with the strict paleo?"  This is the conundrum.  I do not live by myself in a vacuum.  Alone, I might make the choice to restrict my diet to the end of time.  The reality is that I am not alone (nor would I choose a life without Damema).  While my partner is supportive of a 30 day challenge once, twice, or even three times a year, she is not supportive of a lifetime of "paleo" eating.

The lesson here is that what I eat does not make me good or bad.  I am trying to make good food decisions to support my CrossFit habit though.  The "paleo" style of eating supports my physical output.  Sadly, I am not going to be an elite athlete.  (I was just going to say, "nor do I want to be." but I think that is a lie.)  The reason I stay fit is to keep myself healthy (not fat) and because I enjoy pushing myself.  There is no end goal in this.  There are only steady improvements and personal records (PRs) to be made.  It is a journey not a destination.  (How many other cliches can I come up with?)  I work out to better enjoy my life - mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I also work out to balance my tumultuous relationship with food.  Until I find a  better way, exercise will remain to be a tool for me to balance the enjoyment of with the necessity for the edible.

Learned the calculations

I learned that 85% Paleo is 3 cheat meals, 90% is 2 and 95% is 1.  Hmmm....still not sure what that means for me.  By the way, I learned this information from one of our newbie CrossFitters.  Speaking of newbies, I am "shadowing" our current on-ramp program.  Of course, my "shadowing" has turned into full on coaching...but I guess that's how I learn to teach this stuff.  It certainly is frustrating to know how to do something so well, but then to fall short when trying to explain it.  When did I develop that stutter?

On that note, I'm preparing for my level 1 certification training in March.  I've been reading the CF Bible and am (after helpful suggestions) trying to memorize the catch phrases.  Constantly varied, high-intensity, functional movement.  People, did you know that fitness is a sport????!!  Get used to it.  I'm pretty sure this is going to change the way the world works out.  I've already noticed gyms adding crossfit-like classes in an effort to keep up.

Speaking of working out - I do have to admit that I've noticed a change in the quality and intensity of my work outs since the challenge ended.  I'm not sure if it is mental or nutritional.  I still haven't figured out my goals for the next couple of months.  I need some goals to justify the diet and the diet to support the goals.  By the way, last night's dinner was shredded beef with tasty spices, topped with egg and jalapenos.  Totally Paleo.  Of course, I finished it off with a norcal margarita.  Yeah baby!  

Now what?

I am having a bit of trouble now figuring out exactly what to do with my eating. Paleo worked for me and I now know that I can live without cream in my coffee every day. So...does that mean I should only use it once or twice a week as a cheat? What is a cheat meal exactly? Do I go 6 days strict and have one day to splurge? What is 85% Paleo anyway? Is cheese really back on the menu as a regular thing or is it considered a cheat as well? I'm feeling slightly lost at this point.

Part of my problem is also that I have serious control issues. I tend to "feel fat" when my eating isn't strict or coupled with a hard work out. Since Wednesday, I have had 3 glasses of wine (which I'm not sure I like the feeling of), half and half in my coffee, a splash of cheese on an otherwise paleo meal and some stew that had bits of potato in it. Otherwise, everything has been paleo - no grains, no legumes, no sugar and I'm feeling fat!! WTF?

I'm going to have to play around with this post 30 day challenge stuff to figure out what works for me. Or, CF MASS is about to do another 30 day challenge. I suppose I could jump on that band wagon. Or, I can just do Paleo with tequila and half and half. Or, I can go vegetarian (NOT). Or, or, or, or, or... Oh I could go more strict and try the autoimmune protocol Eeeek!! No eggs, no nuts, no nightshades on top of the Paleo diet. I could do a cleanse or starve myself for a month.  Seriously though, I'm going to do some more research to figure out what to do now.  I didn't prepare myself for the ending of this very well.

My mindset today is very different than what it was back on January 2.  I'm more fit, leaner, tougher, uncontrolled by cravings and inspired by the improvements I've made over 30 days.  I don't want to go back or lose what I've gained.  At the same time, I don't want to be a Paleo nazi.  I guess it is time for more goal setting.    

Enjoying the little things.

I'm pretty happy to be done with the 30 day challenge. I'm enjoying a glass of wine (or two) and had half and half in my coffee today. These two things have been the most beautiful, tasty treats of all times. I am so glad I did this! Ok seriously - I'll take a break and formulate more helpful posts for the future.