A little weight gain

When did it happen?  When did those 17 pounds creep up on me?  Between October 2012 and August 2013 a whopping 17 pounds crawled on my ass and thighs and died there.  I'm certain I was on call and on watch, but they slipped by - maybe in the night, or disguised as something I didn't recognize.

Was it baby weight?  There is tons of talk about how the spouse also gains weight.  I feel like nothing changed though.  Well, maybe I wasn't as strict with my paleo.  Maybe 80% became 50%.  I can also tell you that most of that weight came on after the kid was born.  Which signals two major changes - other than there is a new being to take care of.  1) My sleep has been obviously disrupted; 2) I am no longer the focus.  That means that my wife doesn't cook for me quite the same as she used to, nor is diet the main focus of my time.  No, that little bugger is.

As is my stress...

Work is ridiculous.  I just really don't have words for it.

Work, baby, lack of sleep, stress, work, baby, lack of sleep.  I might see a pattern here.

I keep beating myself up over it.  I read something recently that made a good point - love yourself when you're out of shape and fat as much as you love yourself when you're in shape and skinny (or in the best shape of your life and fat).  I never learned to love my fat self.  No one else did.  My family didn't.  My classmates didn't.  I didn't.

My friends tell me I'm just strong.  Yes - I've been working on my 200 pound back squat and my 255 pound deadlift.  I looked back to October of last year - 17 pounds thinner and my PR's were only 10 pounds less.  So while the extra weight I'm sure has propelled me to the next level...it is not the answer.

Meh.

Little Man

I spent the last year and a half or so trying to perfect my diet and find the right body composition for me.  How self centered...

There's now a new little man in town and he's messing with my world.  I'm changing.  I look at my life and I have everything.  I have a good paying job, a lovely wife, an awesome little baby, three happy dogs, a house, cars, a great CrossFit community, etc.  Yet, things feel weird.  There is a new normal - a slow moving train that I keep trying to jump onto.

We've decided it's best that Damema stay home with the baby.  Between dog and baby care it is just more economical.  That makes me the bread winner.  I'm fine with that, really.  I am pursuing a career - or am I?  Is it worth all the trouble?  The stress.  Is it really that stressful or am I just incapable of managing myself now with this little guy in the house?  There is less sleep, but we're working that out.  I do have more fat in the middle, which I'm trying to work out.  There is the stress of less money, but we'll work that out.  There is the commute - oh the commute.  I've stopped driving again and am now back on the train.  No longer in control of how long the commute takes (as if I ever was) - but then again I get to read and breathe.  Should be less stressful - right? 

The house is a mess.  Laundry is a constant struggle, as are the dishes.  It is hot outside and we are stuck inside.  The weekends are spent trying to create order in the chaos of the home or yard.  The neighbors want the bushes cut to 6'.  I heard a noise in the night - is someone breaking in?  I've added another drug into my regimen trying to get the RA back under control.  Does my stomach hurt because of that?  I feel zoned out like a zombie, moving from one place to another.  Ice cream sounds good.  Shoot I drank wine last night.  I feel fat.

Oh my gosh, make it stop.  There is a baby and he's growing up fast.  You'll miss it because you're caught up in all this crap.

There are three things that really matter to me.  My family.  My health.  My job.  I want to excel at my job and come up with answers to all the problems.  I lack the emotional and intellectual fortitude to put the extra energy into it right now (or do I?).  That is causing stress and affecting my health.  My family is great, but the new man on the block has changed things.  The dynamics are different and the patterns are different.  That is causing stress.  The house is in shambles (or is it?).

Ok - I see this blog entry is not going to clarify anything for me today.  Except that I'm a head case at the moment.

I think I'll go for a run.         

 

Time, time, time...never enough

I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately.  There isn't any rhyme or reason for it.  Perhaps it's the usual mid-winter blues or the promise of sleepless nights ahead.  I have nothing to complain about - really.  In fact, I've been able to get back into the regular work outs at the gym.  Work is starting to get a little bit easier.  The baby is growing to be strong and healthy.  I'm helping out with the cooking by making paleo crockpot dishes and that feels good.  Damema is uncomfortable but we've found a good way to manage together as a team.  Our friends have rallied around us and are helping us get as prepped for the baby as possible.

Which might bring me to the thing...the thing that has gotten in my way.  Time.  There is still so much to do to get ready and the thing that will get us there is time devoted to the projects.  Every minute is taken up with work, CrossFit, sleep...rinse and repeat.  When we do have a minute we're both so exhausted we can't really move.  What's going to happen when this kid is here?  Move we must!  Here I am after a long weekend (due to a monster snow storm) and other than shoveling I have nothing to show for the extra time.  Yesterday we relaxed and watched movies all day, when I could have been working on the baby room.  I still have to vacuum, do the dishes, (thankfully I did the laundry on friday), clean the bathrooms, dig out the driveway from the plows, take the dog to the vet (he's peeing blood), go to the grocery store, prep food for the week, go to Home Depot, work on the window frames in the baby room, prime the baby room, paint the baby room, continue to move stuff to the basement, pitch the crap, donate the crap, make room, make space, make more room in this chaos which is our house.

Take a deep breath Mel...  all will work out.  It usually does.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until everything is done.  

Faileo 2013

I am not doing the challenge this month.  I say I failed, but honestly I've already gotten my diet back on track - for the most part.  I'm not eating, legumes or grains at all.  I barely eat fruit.  I do have a little dairy on occasion.  The "almost" part has to do with sugar.  This cough has required soothing and all cough drops contain sugar.  I've also had tea with maple syrup.  Whatever though... It's all good.

I'm feeling better.  The PT is starting to make a difference to my shoulder.  I'm back to my work outs.  Life is good.

That is all for now.

Day 1

Breakfast:  Coffee with coconut creamer
3 eggs with avocado

Lunch:  Chipotle salad with chicken and guacamole

Snack: hand full of almonds

Dinner: ground beef, kale, avocado and hot salsa

Lots of tea...........................  Had to skip my work out today due to this obnoxious cough!  Slept sitting up last night.