Suffering is optional, right?
I have been on a weight loss journey my whole life. My mother, God love her, put me on the Scarsdale Diet (you know the grapefruit one) at a very young age. I was born with "fat genes," you see, and would have to struggle with it forever. Why? Because she did. The only way to combat it is to maintain control, diet constantly, belittle myself when I gain weight, and assign my own self worth to what the scale says.
When I transitioned from junior high to high school, I had given up red meat and for some reason lost a bunch of weight over the summer. I received positive attention I had never received before. Especially after years of being called "Medusa" and "fat." Of course, that all ended up in an eating disorder, which resulted in praise and adoration by my family about "how skinny I was." My period stopped completely and I ended up spending a summer sick with mononucleosis. Of course I gained all that weight back. At 17, I tried Weight Watchers and lost enough that my coaches noticed. They encouraged me and told me to "stick with it." It was positive attention. I didn't stick with it though, and ended up gaining that weight back also.
The only time I actually had complete freedom from dieting was college. I had "come out" and was considered attractive to other people for the first time. I also hit my heaviest weight ever, started smoking, and stopped working out completely. I had plenty of other struggles during that time, but I don't recall weight being one of the bigger concerns.
In any case, the struggle continues. Yesterday, I completed 12 weeks with my coach, Josh Citron, at Stronger U. The idea is that we track our macros and through the magic of science and the adjustment of a few numbers, the pounds just melt away. I'm not going to lie when I say that this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. To be bombarded with years and years of built up "baggage" around dieting and then to throw in weekly macro targets. Not meeting them has added more fuel to flame self sabotage and negative internal chatter. Regardless, I've lost 16 pounds total since August. Eight of those pounds were with Stronger U.
I'm continuing on another 12 weeks with Josh as I'm still on this journey, learning about myself and how to quiet that mean person inside. It is a process and the point is that, as with all else, suffering is optional. Nothing is good or bad - whether I hit my numbers or not, or the scale goes up or down, or my waist measurement balloons, or I gain all the weight back - I'm still a good person, deserving of love, friendship, and support.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Square Peg, Round Hole
I'm constantly amazed at how social media has changed the world of relationships. Friends= the number of followers you have and basic exchanges over the internet= real conversations. The internet is a dangerous place.
It is full of false relationships. It is full fo the dangers of comparing yourself to others. It is full of avoidance and time suck, escape and wrong information. It is full of false admiration and fake reality.
In trying to envision my goals it has been hard not to squash my own momentum because I saw (on the internet) "so and so" doing "x, y, and z" with "x and y" being what I want to do. I find myself trying to fit into other's ideas, rather than creating my own.
Time to stop trying to fit my square self into someone else's round hole. (I know that sounds so very wrong...)
Regarding the internet, a friend said, "own it, or it will own you."
It is full of false relationships. It is full fo the dangers of comparing yourself to others. It is full of avoidance and time suck, escape and wrong information. It is full of false admiration and fake reality.
In trying to envision my goals it has been hard not to squash my own momentum because I saw (on the internet) "so and so" doing "x, y, and z" with "x and y" being what I want to do. I find myself trying to fit into other's ideas, rather than creating my own.
Time to stop trying to fit my square self into someone else's round hole. (I know that sounds so very wrong...)
Regarding the internet, a friend said, "own it, or it will own you."
Too Short
I am on my work's SafeZone training team. We bring awareness to GLBTQ issues and train people on how to become advocates. As the maddy (mommy + daddy) of a 4 year old I realize how early gender stereotypes and binary categorizing happens. I decided to have a conversation with my kiddo to discuss how some boys are born in girls bodies and girls in boys bodies.
He seemed to understand. He also suggested that perhaps I was born in the wrong body because I look like a boy.
Me: "Buddy, why do I look like a boy?"
Him: "Because your hair doesn't stand up too high."
Logic runs thick in this one for sure. Regardless, I decided to post the exchange on social media and my aunt some time later says to me..."so your kiddo thinks your hair is too short..." This set me off. I got hooked. I did. Coming from a judgmental family I can assure you the last thing my son did was to judge that my hair is too short or too anything. He gets mad when I don't give him candy and tells me he hates me when I don't do something the right way. I don't think "judgement" is in his vocabulary, though. He's a four year old.
He has a limited scope of the world and we've done our part to constrain his view into that of a binary system. I have no doubt my son was born into the right body. I think I don't fit gender norms or stereotypes. I can't say I'm longing to become a man. I am definitely longing to become more in touch with my masculine side though.
So my hair is not too short. It will never be too anything. It will be whatever I want it to be and regardless, my son will know that I am his Maddy and will always be there for him.
He seemed to understand. He also suggested that perhaps I was born in the wrong body because I look like a boy.
Me: "Buddy, why do I look like a boy?"
Him: "Because your hair doesn't stand up too high."
Logic runs thick in this one for sure. Regardless, I decided to post the exchange on social media and my aunt some time later says to me..."so your kiddo thinks your hair is too short..." This set me off. I got hooked. I did. Coming from a judgmental family I can assure you the last thing my son did was to judge that my hair is too short or too anything. He gets mad when I don't give him candy and tells me he hates me when I don't do something the right way. I don't think "judgement" is in his vocabulary, though. He's a four year old.
He has a limited scope of the world and we've done our part to constrain his view into that of a binary system. I have no doubt my son was born into the right body. I think I don't fit gender norms or stereotypes. I can't say I'm longing to become a man. I am definitely longing to become more in touch with my masculine side though.
So my hair is not too short. It will never be too anything. It will be whatever I want it to be and regardless, my son will know that I am his Maddy and will always be there for him.
Cali-forn-I-A
Go West or go east? That was the 2006 dilemma. We decided to go east for the sake of ease and also my mom was/is getting older. There are no guarantees on life and we wanted to get married and have a kid. Massachusetts was the state for us to get our gay rights... the gayest of them all. In any event, I didn't think the east coast adventure would last more than a few years and we would be on our way. The housing market crashed though, so we were stuck. Now it's 2017 and we have no mortgage. I'm in a job that is a great experience, but isn't forever. Also, I'm not going back to Boston... I just can't.
So...what is the next step?
I was looking on the map for the states that didn't vote for Trump. So we have some options. New York, New Mexico, Colorado, Nevada, California, Oregon and Washington. Those are the states (aside from Massachusetts) that we would consider. Of course, our friends are in California - which feels so damn great. So... the future is an adventure. I want it to continue to be that way... as long as our kiddo feels stable and loved in our family.
I know at some point his friends will become more important than his family. Hopefully by then, we'll have a place that feels like ours and a place to settle down.
So...what is the next step?
I was looking on the map for the states that didn't vote for Trump. So we have some options. New York, New Mexico, Colorado, Nevada, California, Oregon and Washington. Those are the states (aside from Massachusetts) that we would consider. Of course, our friends are in California - which feels so damn great. So... the future is an adventure. I want it to continue to be that way... as long as our kiddo feels stable and loved in our family.
I know at some point his friends will become more important than his family. Hopefully by then, we'll have a place that feels like ours and a place to settle down.
Pain
I have chronic pain. I injured my back when I was in college. In the moment of the injury, I had no idea it would result in a chronic problem. When it happened I was in the middle of a very stressful time in my life. I was in the middle of a crazy ex triangle. The ex was a boarderline personality and crossed every boundary known to man. She broke into my apartment, stole my address book and threatened to kill my family/friends. She also broke into my girlfriend's house while we were there. The interaction ended in a physical altercation with me being bitten and suffering an emotional beating. I didn't know how to handle this crazy person other than to try to talk her off a bridge. Instead of breaking up with my gf, I stayed with her and tried to deal with her crazy ass ex baggage as we created our own new baggage together.
Anxiety and fear became a regular part of my life after that. I felt really inhibited by it. I also wasn't taking care of myself - the self-proclaimed athlete. I was smoking and sitting on my ass. My college experience was more about exploring my identity outside of school and experiencing life outside of my parent's house. (As an aside, I grew up with abundance, but there were serious emotional restrictions and my parent's approval was conditional.)
About 5 years after college, I developed rheumatoid arthritis. This again developed during an extremely stressful time in my life. Health wise, I was taking better care of myself. I had finished massage school, was working out and eating better. I had lost 25 pounds and felt like I was on a good path. The only problem was that I had tons of credit card debt that I couldn't get away from and I was trying to untangle myself from a very unhealthy relationship. My mom ended up bailing me out of the debt. I have a ton of insecurity around money and debt and feel forever obligated to my mother for that bail out.
The back pain persists. It got worse last fall. Coincidentally, last fall my wife and I packed our stuff up, sold our house and moved in with my mother...
I got an MRI yesterday, so we'll see what that says.
Anxiety and fear became a regular part of my life after that. I felt really inhibited by it. I also wasn't taking care of myself - the self-proclaimed athlete. I was smoking and sitting on my ass. My college experience was more about exploring my identity outside of school and experiencing life outside of my parent's house. (As an aside, I grew up with abundance, but there were serious emotional restrictions and my parent's approval was conditional.)
About 5 years after college, I developed rheumatoid arthritis. This again developed during an extremely stressful time in my life. Health wise, I was taking better care of myself. I had finished massage school, was working out and eating better. I had lost 25 pounds and felt like I was on a good path. The only problem was that I had tons of credit card debt that I couldn't get away from and I was trying to untangle myself from a very unhealthy relationship. My mom ended up bailing me out of the debt. I have a ton of insecurity around money and debt and feel forever obligated to my mother for that bail out.
The back pain persists. It got worse last fall. Coincidentally, last fall my wife and I packed our stuff up, sold our house and moved in with my mother...
I got an MRI yesterday, so we'll see what that says.
Self Care
I really dislike the term..."Self care". It sounds selfish and straight out of that whiny book "Eat, Love, Pray". Regardless of my hang up about the terminology - the practice is absolutely necessary. In what ways do you practice, what I'm going to call, "healthy habits"?
I'm going to be honest - I come from a family that just pushes through. Any sort of relaxing or doing nothing gets framed as "being a slug on the ass of humanity." Not a very appealing thing to be, right? Exercise has always been an important way for me to maintain brain health. Without exercise or being an athlete, depression sets in and I start to question my identity. If I'm sick, it is hard for me to carve out time to actually be sick. I figure if I miss a work out, then I've missed a day of my life. I am working on this though.
I'm told that progress comes from sleep and rest. I guess that makes sense. When does the body have time to assimilate changes when you're constantly bombarding it with stimulus? Of course our ability to respond diminishes as we get older - so while the brain still feels 21, our bodies need more time to recover.
So what is a "healthy habit?" It could be exercise, though that can become unhealthy (and has for me a number of times over the years). It could be reading a book you've always wanted to read. It could be cooking a meal or doing food prep for the week to ensure you're set up and ready to eat healthy. It could be 10 minutes of meditation each morning.
I
've been tasked with making a "good life jar". This is a jar with different positive words or words that represent "healthy habits" with associated tasks or action items. So for example, if the word is "sleep," the action item might be, "take an Epsom salt bath and turn off all electronics by 7pm."
Not to diminish the exercise, but I really do need to get out of my own way on this. It feels silly. Like why do I need to do this? Why can't I just do these things on my own without a frickin' jar? That is just my history. It's where I grew up. "Life is a bitch." That's my mom's favorite saying. That's like choosing to suffer just because. Who would choose to suffer??? Those who don't have a frickin' jar, that's who?
I'm going to be honest - I come from a family that just pushes through. Any sort of relaxing or doing nothing gets framed as "being a slug on the ass of humanity." Not a very appealing thing to be, right? Exercise has always been an important way for me to maintain brain health. Without exercise or being an athlete, depression sets in and I start to question my identity. If I'm sick, it is hard for me to carve out time to actually be sick. I figure if I miss a work out, then I've missed a day of my life. I am working on this though.
I'm told that progress comes from sleep and rest. I guess that makes sense. When does the body have time to assimilate changes when you're constantly bombarding it with stimulus? Of course our ability to respond diminishes as we get older - so while the brain still feels 21, our bodies need more time to recover.
So what is a "healthy habit?" It could be exercise, though that can become unhealthy (and has for me a number of times over the years). It could be reading a book you've always wanted to read. It could be cooking a meal or doing food prep for the week to ensure you're set up and ready to eat healthy. It could be 10 minutes of meditation each morning.
I
've been tasked with making a "good life jar". This is a jar with different positive words or words that represent "healthy habits" with associated tasks or action items. So for example, if the word is "sleep," the action item might be, "take an Epsom salt bath and turn off all electronics by 7pm."
Not to diminish the exercise, but I really do need to get out of my own way on this. It feels silly. Like why do I need to do this? Why can't I just do these things on my own without a frickin' jar? That is just my history. It's where I grew up. "Life is a bitch." That's my mom's favorite saying. That's like choosing to suffer just because. Who would choose to suffer??? Those who don't have a frickin' jar, that's who?
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Seductive personalities
Are there people in your life with seductive personalities? Do they suck you in? Promise things that align with your goals? You say "yes" willingly... only to realize that the implementation of said goal is far more exhausting and draining than it's worth?
Yeah, I do.
How do you protect yourself from this? Seriously, I'm asking you.
Yeah, I do.
How do you protect yourself from this? Seriously, I'm asking you.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Breathing into space
I've been injured for what feels like the majority of a year. Both shoulders and now my back. I've mentioned that I've had chronic low back pain - but recently I slipped a disc as well. Things are so much better now. The pain though has been this consistent and agonizing friend for years - fluctuating between a manageable 1 or 2 to an excruciating 8 or 9 on the pain scale. I've stopped doing Olympic lifting and have instead been focusing on functional body building - mostly upper body and unilateral leg strengthening work.
After having spent a ton of money and time trying various techniques to heal my back (all of which have helped to some degree, I'm sure), I have come to two conclusions. 1) I need to start squatting again, squatting with weight. 2) My pain is more in my head than anything, I think. Thankfully, my coach and I are on the same page about the squatting thing - so yesterday I did my first one and one quarter squats - with 83 pounds. The other thing I've started doing is to meditate.
Now this meditation thing is crazy. I'm using the Head Space app because I don't know how to do these things on my own. After years of being so type A and letting my head take me to crazy and agonizing places, I needed some guidance. What I think is so crazy though is that after every 10 minute meditation my low back - most specifically my sacrum, feels relaxed and open. JUST BY BREATHING and relaxing the tension. The pain has been manageable and not overwhelming.
I might be ready for a come back....
After having spent a ton of money and time trying various techniques to heal my back (all of which have helped to some degree, I'm sure), I have come to two conclusions. 1) I need to start squatting again, squatting with weight. 2) My pain is more in my head than anything, I think. Thankfully, my coach and I are on the same page about the squatting thing - so yesterday I did my first one and one quarter squats - with 83 pounds. The other thing I've started doing is to meditate.
Now this meditation thing is crazy. I'm using the Head Space app because I don't know how to do these things on my own. After years of being so type A and letting my head take me to crazy and agonizing places, I needed some guidance. What I think is so crazy though is that after every 10 minute meditation my low back - most specifically my sacrum, feels relaxed and open. JUST BY BREATHING and relaxing the tension. The pain has been manageable and not overwhelming.
I might be ready for a come back....
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Slowing down
I had a bunch of goals for this year. One was to have the best lifting year ever - which I guess is still possible, but much delayed. The other was to quit drinking for a year - which is also still possible, just delayed.
I switched olympic lifting programs and I don't think my body liked it much. One week out from Masters Nationals, my back said, "enough" and started sending shooting pains down my leg. Now I'm no stranger to back pain. I've lived with it since college. This was different though and forced me to stop lifting altogether. I haven't been able to do loaded squats since.
Perhaps this is why my dry year has been delayed as well. Drinking is still a routine in my life. I was reading a book about how to change habits and what needs to be figured out is what triggers the behavior and what the rewards are. In the end, the trigger and the reward won't change, instead it's the behavior that will change. So is drinking triggered by boredom or the time of day or stress or a need for sugar or all the above? The changes might be to meditate or shift my routine so that after work I have something else to do or practice deep breathing or eat a banana. The triggers remain as does the reward. I become one with my boredom, find new ways to end my work day, develop new ways to cope with stress, and eliminate my carb cravings - all without that glass of wine.
So why does this seem so daunting? I go days without alcohol, so that's not the problem. Is it the time frame? The all or nothing approach? The lack of control I have while in the midst of an injury?
In any case, as usual, I am hard on myself when I do drink. Perhaps that is the ultimate reward - self love.
I switched olympic lifting programs and I don't think my body liked it much. One week out from Masters Nationals, my back said, "enough" and started sending shooting pains down my leg. Now I'm no stranger to back pain. I've lived with it since college. This was different though and forced me to stop lifting altogether. I haven't been able to do loaded squats since.
Perhaps this is why my dry year has been delayed as well. Drinking is still a routine in my life. I was reading a book about how to change habits and what needs to be figured out is what triggers the behavior and what the rewards are. In the end, the trigger and the reward won't change, instead it's the behavior that will change. So is drinking triggered by boredom or the time of day or stress or a need for sugar or all the above? The changes might be to meditate or shift my routine so that after work I have something else to do or practice deep breathing or eat a banana. The triggers remain as does the reward. I become one with my boredom, find new ways to end my work day, develop new ways to cope with stress, and eliminate my carb cravings - all without that glass of wine.
So why does this seem so daunting? I go days without alcohol, so that's not the problem. Is it the time frame? The all or nothing approach? The lack of control I have while in the midst of an injury?
In any case, as usual, I am hard on myself when I do drink. Perhaps that is the ultimate reward - self love.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
A New Year
A new year. A year with a good deal of unknowns. Who knows what our new president will do. Perhaps in a year we'll be digging fall out shelters again. Ok - well that is a scary thought and one that I'm not going to entertain.
What I am going to do is spend the next 365 days booze free. "A whole year???" Yes. Why not? I think, as a family member put it, "big goals require sacrifice". I have some goals this year and for the rest of my life. I am raising a son and taking care of my family. I was starting to wonder if this was all there was to life though. I want my kid to have adventures and learn about the world. I want to expand our bubbles and grow together as a family.
I'm not a world traveler. I want my son to be. I haven't been a loud activist (though this is something I want to change). I want my son to be. I want him to be exposed to helping others succeed. To giving more than getting. To living each day to the fullest. To working hard and pushing through when it gets uncomfortable. So...what's the best way to teach? By doing.
That is what this year is about.
What I am going to do is spend the next 365 days booze free. "A whole year???" Yes. Why not? I think, as a family member put it, "big goals require sacrifice". I have some goals this year and for the rest of my life. I am raising a son and taking care of my family. I was starting to wonder if this was all there was to life though. I want my kid to have adventures and learn about the world. I want to expand our bubbles and grow together as a family.
I'm not a world traveler. I want my son to be. I haven't been a loud activist (though this is something I want to change). I want my son to be. I want him to be exposed to helping others succeed. To giving more than getting. To living each day to the fullest. To working hard and pushing through when it gets uncomfortable. So...what's the best way to teach? By doing.
That is what this year is about.
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