Exercise

I have been active my whole life. Up at sunrise and on my bike. Initially it was an activity, something to occupy my time that was outside of the house. Movement made me happy. Then it became sport. Exercise was core to being a competent team member. It supported the goals of stamina and technical expertise. At some point it became a way to abuse myself, to try to burn calories eaten, to purge myself of the burdens put in my mouth. Eventually exercise again became a way to take care of myself and enjoy movement, sweat, and the burst of endorphins....

I think over the last decade or so it has been a way to prove to myself that my body is still capable and able. Fuck rheumatoid arthritis. Fuck joint pain. Fuck back pain. Pound, pound, pound, pound. Keep up with others. In trying to keep up, it became a necessity. It "negated" all the stress I was putting myself under - like drinking and all the attached mental anguish. Problem is that it just further stressed my body to the point where I now have back pain 24/7. I won't "woe is me" anymore about the back pain or how I got here, but the reality is that I cannot push through it anymore.

The majority of the last two weeks have not included exercise. Granted I've been traveling and sick, but there are a few things I've noticed. It is important to listen to and trust your body vs. your head sometimes. I have had trust issues with myself. The pain is always there whether I move or I don't, however some things hurt less than others. I want to do more of the things that hurt less. My cardiovascular fitness is crap right now. I want to work on that.

I've worked on changing my relationship with myself over the last year, under some pretty crazy circumstances and life changes. It only makes sense that I would be working on my relationship with exercise and fitness.