-- Ursula K. LeGuin
A bunch of people were kind enough to give me advice, encouragement and support after my last blog post. I updated that post with the response from my rheumatologist about the specific fluctuations in blood test results. In short, she isn't going to worry.
The journey was an interesting one though. The internet can take what seems to be a standard hang nail and turn it into a rare lung-eating fungus. I am kind of embarrassed that I couldn't pull myself out of the negative what if and into the positive. What ifs are full of possibility. They are how people bring ideas into reality; how cities are built; how medicine is made; and how dreams come true.
How many times have you been the one consoling someone freaking out about something that isn't a reality? Did you ever want to smack sense into that person and yell at them to stop worrying?! Of course when you're the person freaking out about something, that is just one possibility out of a million, nothing anybody says can be soothing or helpful. Funny how that works. We tend to look into the world (or on the internet) to find things to support that what if we are stuck on. For me, I am most afraid of going back to where I was (health wise) 3 years or even 1 year ago. I now know what is possible in RA treatment and it is damn near perfect. Yeah - so it is all drug induced at this point, which opens the world to potential pit falls. If this is damn near perfect, then what could be better? Nothing, right? The only place to go is down - the drugs stop working; or I have a bad reaction; and on and on and on and on.
Sick line of thinking....
For me the key will be to enjoy the moment and plan for the future based on what reality is right now. That is all I/we/you have. Yeah, my drugs may stop working and I may not be able to lift weights or even a hairbrush. But that is not happening now! The best piece of advice - enjoy this time right now, which DAMN IT....I'm going to do!!!
Loud applause for you and an observation that staying in the moment is damn hard work...but the reward is more than worth it. You're right that the what ifs can be full of possibility, but they can also make you fearful about taking the risk to be fully present and open to where you are right now, this very moment. Know that we are all on this journey with you.
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