Ever feel like you're living two lives?
It could be as simple as how you present yourself at work vs. how you are in the rest of your life. I mean I totally do that. I have tattoos that I don't necessarily want to be the focus of an initial (or any) interaction at work. Additionally, there are so many assumptions made about people with tattoos and frankly mine do not dictate how well I can lead a team, administrate grants, or give a presentation. So I just cover them up always. Speaking of covering them up, there are work clothes to discuss.
I once had a boss who asked if I was going to have to actually dress up in a new role I was leaving him for. (One more reason I left him.) That aside, I often feel like work clothes are a costume. It's one more way the world has dictated what is socially acceptable and it feels confining. I hate feeling like a prisoner to my employer. I do try to at least focus on wearing clothes that are comfortable. (Is the orange jumpsuit comfy?)
Then there is how I feel on the inside about myself and what I see on the outside. They are not the same. This is shifting and something I am working on. There is also the way I cope with the differences. There are ways that I have managed the discrepancies over my lifetime that, on the outside, appear to be so damn mainstream and normal. Regardless, I find this conversation to be complex and deeply embedded in my very being that it is hard to find the words.
This is what I want to say though. We all have coping mechanisms. Mine have caused me to isolate from others, further driving home the message that I'm not cool enough, strong enough, young enough or whatever (insert thing) enough to be real with people. If I put myself out there and get rejected, ridiculed, judged or flat out ignored - what is the point of sharing? Honestly, I live a very fear-based existence these days. Feeling safe is important to me and I have it that feeling acceptable (to others) is a key to that safety.
I've read back over some of my posts on here and can see the ebb and flow of my life over the years. I'm in a very, very new place right now that has me teetering on major shifts and understandings about who I am in this world. I have kept myself so controlled by trying to fit into a box that better justifies and explains how I take up space. I am not a deviant and I am not wrong. I have never fit nicely into that box I've been trying so hard to shove myself into.
My hope is that one day it won't feel like I'm living two lives and that I will have morphed into a person who feels they are worthy of being seen.
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Sunday, March 24, 2019
The last of the pack
We had to say "goodbye" to our 14 year old Dachshund last week. We got home from work to find him really lethargic and moving with great difficulty. He was also peeing all over the apartment - like he had no control over himself. He had experienced a sore back before, but never like this. That night he threw up and laid down where he tossed his cookies. He didn't move all night.
In the morning, I carried him down the stairs and he peed on me as we descended the steps.
We took him to Tufts Veterinary Hospital where they took an x-ray and blood. Originally they thought he had a kidney infection, which was probably true. They also found a tumor on his liver. The blood test confirmed that he likely had spleen cancer. The most humane and caring thing we could do was to ease his suffering.
Poor boo. I wish I had some heartfelt insights about this experience. Mostly, I feel bad about Bruno. He was my wife's favorite dog. They had a special bond, which changed when our son was born. In fact, all of our dogs lost their rankings on our family totem poll after having a baby. Our family energy shifted and gravitated to our son.
The dogs became annoying and overwhelming at times. They would eat our son's food. He grew to dislike them for this reason and would rarely want to interact with them. Cats, on the other hand, he loved. Over the last 3 years, we've had to say goodbye to our 3 dogs and for the first time since the two weeks between Josie's death and Dexter's adoption in 2006, we are without a dog.
It is sad and empty at times. It is also a tremendous relief. Mostly, I'm grateful to have been able to provide a good home to those three dogs. Bruno was the last of that pack. He won't be the last dog we rescue, but for now, we will take some space and time.
In the morning, I carried him down the stairs and he peed on me as we descended the steps.
We took him to Tufts Veterinary Hospital where they took an x-ray and blood. Originally they thought he had a kidney infection, which was probably true. They also found a tumor on his liver. The blood test confirmed that he likely had spleen cancer. The most humane and caring thing we could do was to ease his suffering.
Poor boo. I wish I had some heartfelt insights about this experience. Mostly, I feel bad about Bruno. He was my wife's favorite dog. They had a special bond, which changed when our son was born. In fact, all of our dogs lost their rankings on our family totem poll after having a baby. Our family energy shifted and gravitated to our son.
The dogs became annoying and overwhelming at times. They would eat our son's food. He grew to dislike them for this reason and would rarely want to interact with them. Cats, on the other hand, he loved. Over the last 3 years, we've had to say goodbye to our 3 dogs and for the first time since the two weeks between Josie's death and Dexter's adoption in 2006, we are without a dog.
It is sad and empty at times. It is also a tremendous relief. Mostly, I'm grateful to have been able to provide a good home to those three dogs. Bruno was the last of that pack. He won't be the last dog we rescue, but for now, we will take some space and time.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Transitions Are Hard
We're sitting here with our new smart T.V. listening to the Harry Potter sound track from Spotify on my iPhone. My, my how technology has changed since I was a kid. Where are my mix tapes?
Anyway, I've been thinking about change. I am a person who needs frequent change. Committing to the process without a sign that it is resulting in good things is hard for me. For example, I've been counting macros for the last year and a half. I've been working with a coach since August 2017. I've lost 20 pounds, which has been a good result. I hear about people doing this program raving about how great they feel. They are PRing left and right in the gym. They are free for the first time from the constant pulls of gravity and food.
I've learned a lot. I have a love/hate relationship with this journey. At times it is free and easy. Mostly that happens when I hit my numbers. Why? Because I'm "good". I'm motivated by the fact that I hit the mark for the day/week. Regardless, I haven't felt those awesome feelings people have experienced. I haven't PR'd in the gym. The most recent cut has been dominated by a 3 month illness, 2 rounds of antibiotics, back pain, and a lost period. I've felt "off" to put it lightly. Also, the daily weighing shows me that if I stray even slightly from the daily allotment of carbs, it will take days and days to recover. So what is this all for anyway?
Originally it was to cut a weight class. The ultimate focus for me now is that I want to feel good. I want to move with ease and without pain. I'm not sure that a life without pain is an option for me anymore. It is a reality I need to come to terms with. Learning methods to ignore the pain is what I will spend 2019 focusing on. At the same time, continuing to move my body and exercise is important to me.
I have turned counting macros and weight loss into another "self loathing" activity. I quit drinking in June in an effort to "love myself more" and instead of completely changing the habit, I replaced it with ice cream. Why? Because it fit my macros. I haven't chosen the most healthy foods over this most recent journey. It was the only way I could hit my 1500 daily calories and still justify making it to the gym.
This isn't sustainable for me any more. My health is at risk. My mental health is at risk. It is time for a change. It's time for the macros counting end game.
Tomorrow, I set out on a Whole30 challenge. This will be black and white. The choices are whole foods, no sugar, no legumes, no alcohol, no dairy, and no grains. My goal on this - good food choices and an ongoing effort to improve my daily well being. I will be documenting my food and adventures on Instagram under the name "imdrivingthebus". I still have time left with my coach, so this will all be done with macros - but the focus isn't on hitting them. The focus is on how I feel.
Anyway, I've been thinking about change. I am a person who needs frequent change. Committing to the process without a sign that it is resulting in good things is hard for me. For example, I've been counting macros for the last year and a half. I've been working with a coach since August 2017. I've lost 20 pounds, which has been a good result. I hear about people doing this program raving about how great they feel. They are PRing left and right in the gym. They are free for the first time from the constant pulls of gravity and food.
I've learned a lot. I have a love/hate relationship with this journey. At times it is free and easy. Mostly that happens when I hit my numbers. Why? Because I'm "good". I'm motivated by the fact that I hit the mark for the day/week. Regardless, I haven't felt those awesome feelings people have experienced. I haven't PR'd in the gym. The most recent cut has been dominated by a 3 month illness, 2 rounds of antibiotics, back pain, and a lost period. I've felt "off" to put it lightly. Also, the daily weighing shows me that if I stray even slightly from the daily allotment of carbs, it will take days and days to recover. So what is this all for anyway?
Originally it was to cut a weight class. The ultimate focus for me now is that I want to feel good. I want to move with ease and without pain. I'm not sure that a life without pain is an option for me anymore. It is a reality I need to come to terms with. Learning methods to ignore the pain is what I will spend 2019 focusing on. At the same time, continuing to move my body and exercise is important to me.
I have turned counting macros and weight loss into another "self loathing" activity. I quit drinking in June in an effort to "love myself more" and instead of completely changing the habit, I replaced it with ice cream. Why? Because it fit my macros. I haven't chosen the most healthy foods over this most recent journey. It was the only way I could hit my 1500 daily calories and still justify making it to the gym.
This isn't sustainable for me any more. My health is at risk. My mental health is at risk. It is time for a change. It's time for the macros counting end game.
Tomorrow, I set out on a Whole30 challenge. This will be black and white. The choices are whole foods, no sugar, no legumes, no alcohol, no dairy, and no grains. My goal on this - good food choices and an ongoing effort to improve my daily well being. I will be documenting my food and adventures on Instagram under the name "imdrivingthebus". I still have time left with my coach, so this will all be done with macros - but the focus isn't on hitting them. The focus is on how I feel.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Creating my own life - what a concept??
I've talked a shit ton about struggle on this blog. It seems like it is my outlet for being on the "struggle bus" as of late. I'm kind of tired of my own vibe in that regard...
The bottom line is that I want to be good to myself. I want to make decisions that remove any sort of self-doubt, self-sabotage, self-flagellation, self-hatred...self-(insert negative word). I want to do a good job at work, and engage in a fulfilling and exciting life outside of work, full of adventure. I feel stifled in that "adventure" part. There is this habit loop whereby the week is structured and full and the weekends are empty and (I'm sorry to say it) boring. In the past, I've equated adventure with alcohol. I think it started when I lived in Atlanta. There were many nights where I would go to the bar alone and meet all kinds of people because I was more outgoing and relaxed when drinking. People were the same. It was a way to connect. Then we would have porch socials. The scene was small enough that some of that would exist beyond the bar. There was a whole community focused around alcohol and food and music. Those were some of the best days and memories of my life.
I want to connect with others and experience things. I've had this happen at CrossFit gyms, yoga studios, and other torturous exercise facilities. In those environments, we connect on some other form of reality and then retreat back to our regularly scheduled program. You might tell me "that is life." I disagree. I have this friend, Liza. She is constantly doing stuff - crazy stuff. I think sometimes she is irresponsible with money. She doesn't drink. She loves people and doesn't give a shit what they think about her. She's taken her hobbies and made them her life. There is a certain amount of energy required to carry some of this stuff forward. I don't know if it starts as a big idea in her head, or just grows into something as time goes on and she gets more people involved. Regardless, she's done several things that would be defined as "life time" experiences.
I do have a certain level of dissatisfaction with the current cycle of life. I also have a young child at home and have to respect the need for consistency. That said, I would also love for him to grow up outside of that cycle. I'd love for him to experience more adventure and connection with others.
One of the things I feel like I lack around all of this is energy. The energy to plan. The energy to carry out. Just walking around at the Ecotarium the other day was exhausting. Do I need carbs? Hahahaha... so there are two things I would like to focus on - improving energy and having more adventure. Next, I will figure out what those two ideas look like in my life.
The bottom line is that I want to be good to myself. I want to make decisions that remove any sort of self-doubt, self-sabotage, self-flagellation, self-hatred...self-(insert negative word). I want to do a good job at work, and engage in a fulfilling and exciting life outside of work, full of adventure. I feel stifled in that "adventure" part. There is this habit loop whereby the week is structured and full and the weekends are empty and (I'm sorry to say it) boring. In the past, I've equated adventure with alcohol. I think it started when I lived in Atlanta. There were many nights where I would go to the bar alone and meet all kinds of people because I was more outgoing and relaxed when drinking. People were the same. It was a way to connect. Then we would have porch socials. The scene was small enough that some of that would exist beyond the bar. There was a whole community focused around alcohol and food and music. Those were some of the best days and memories of my life.
I want to connect with others and experience things. I've had this happen at CrossFit gyms, yoga studios, and other torturous exercise facilities. In those environments, we connect on some other form of reality and then retreat back to our regularly scheduled program. You might tell me "that is life." I disagree. I have this friend, Liza. She is constantly doing stuff - crazy stuff. I think sometimes she is irresponsible with money. She doesn't drink. She loves people and doesn't give a shit what they think about her. She's taken her hobbies and made them her life. There is a certain amount of energy required to carry some of this stuff forward. I don't know if it starts as a big idea in her head, or just grows into something as time goes on and she gets more people involved. Regardless, she's done several things that would be defined as "life time" experiences.
I do have a certain level of dissatisfaction with the current cycle of life. I also have a young child at home and have to respect the need for consistency. That said, I would also love for him to grow up outside of that cycle. I'd love for him to experience more adventure and connection with others.
One of the things I feel like I lack around all of this is energy. The energy to plan. The energy to carry out. Just walking around at the Ecotarium the other day was exhausting. Do I need carbs? Hahahaha... so there are two things I would like to focus on - improving energy and having more adventure. Next, I will figure out what those two ideas look like in my life.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Excuses to Sabotage Yourself
I've been on my current cut for 16 weeks. The progress is slow, oh so very slow. My reasoning for this most recent cut was originally two fold. I had purchased an extra 24 weeks that I needed to use, and I had totally derailed my "maintenance" phase into an "all you can consume" phase. During that craze I spent much of my time wrapped up in self loathing. This cut was an attempt to get things back under control and to focus on making decisions in the name of self love.
I did great for the first 13ish weeks or so. I've been on a bender of crazed thinking as of late. See, I got sick 10 weeks ago and still haven't shaken it. I did a round of antibiotics and sorry for the details, but there is still some foul smelling/tasting stuff stuck up in my sinuses. It comes out whenever it wants to, whether I'm prepared or not. No fever or anything, but my energy has been limited. Also, around the same time, I stopped having my period. I know this is a fairly normal occurrence for lean women who work out 4x a day. Me -no. I've been regular my whole life - except for that time when I was 14 and weighed 126 pounds and ate barely anything. Coach said it could be due to low calories. Also around the same time, I realized that most of the exercise I was doing was killing my back. Thus all things squat and deadlift have been eliminated - which means that I am not really training for anything, even though I'm working out at a power lifting gym. Lastly, my wife and I now work at the same place and the ONLY reason we would drive separately is so that I can go to the gym.
Finding motivation and energy to work out, let alone life right now is a challenge.
I recently broke through a plateau and hit the 140s. It's been a LONG time since I've been in the 140s. Couple this with my motivation struggles and I'm thinking that anything below 150 is unsustainable. So why even try anymore?? Insert lots of ice cream, blowing macros out the window, probably a subsequent scale increase to reinforce how unsustainable 148 is. Then spend 2 weeks trying to get back to 148 and struggle the whole time having this cyclical conversation over and over again. Gah.
I'm at a crossroads. It's either time to buckle down and own it, or it is truly time to quit. I wanted to see if I could hit the 140s. It was never an actual goal to stay there. Perhaps it should be and I should stop being such a little cry baby who wants to quit when things get hard.
I did great for the first 13ish weeks or so. I've been on a bender of crazed thinking as of late. See, I got sick 10 weeks ago and still haven't shaken it. I did a round of antibiotics and sorry for the details, but there is still some foul smelling/tasting stuff stuck up in my sinuses. It comes out whenever it wants to, whether I'm prepared or not. No fever or anything, but my energy has been limited. Also, around the same time, I stopped having my period. I know this is a fairly normal occurrence for lean women who work out 4x a day. Me -no. I've been regular my whole life - except for that time when I was 14 and weighed 126 pounds and ate barely anything. Coach said it could be due to low calories. Also around the same time, I realized that most of the exercise I was doing was killing my back. Thus all things squat and deadlift have been eliminated - which means that I am not really training for anything, even though I'm working out at a power lifting gym. Lastly, my wife and I now work at the same place and the ONLY reason we would drive separately is so that I can go to the gym.
Finding motivation and energy to work out, let alone life right now is a challenge.
I recently broke through a plateau and hit the 140s. It's been a LONG time since I've been in the 140s. Couple this with my motivation struggles and I'm thinking that anything below 150 is unsustainable. So why even try anymore?? Insert lots of ice cream, blowing macros out the window, probably a subsequent scale increase to reinforce how unsustainable 148 is. Then spend 2 weeks trying to get back to 148 and struggle the whole time having this cyclical conversation over and over again. Gah.
I'm at a crossroads. It's either time to buckle down and own it, or it is truly time to quit. I wanted to see if I could hit the 140s. It was never an actual goal to stay there. Perhaps it should be and I should stop being such a little cry baby who wants to quit when things get hard.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
More first world problems...
Funny that my last post talked about how positive my relationship with training/exercise is becoming... Time for flipside.
My head is in a negative tailspin after riding on a high for months. The key to my happiness, apparently, is having my diet and alcohol consumption under control. If I can't control myself, after all, how do I trust myself? I made the decision 120 days ago to only make choices that encourage self love. I was tired of beating myself up. It worked, for a time.
I'm on a downward spiral at the moment. I want to blame it on hormones. Maybe it is. Regardless, having been sick and unable to train was fine while I was sick. Now I'm suffering from an (another) identity crisis and am unmotivated to go to the gym. Reasons: 1.) I joined with the excitement of trying out my first power lifting competition. Apparently I needed a reminder that squats and deadlifts do not make my body feel good. In fact, nothing about the programming was making me feel good. We've since adjusted. I feel better, but what is the training now for? 2.) It is a power lifting gym that coins the phrase, "Train with a Purpose." WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? It's challenging, but not fun and I don't feel connected to others. 3.) Other than the powerlifters, there are a bunch of really great athletic high school baseball players. I just don't see where my demographic is. The 44 year old woman, crushed that she can't keep up with the youngin's or compete in the strength competitions she wants to.
Pull out your tiny violins please...
So, workouts need to be fun, at least - right? I tried out another local CrossFit gym yesterday. I hate CrossFit, it's true. But I felt at home. (To this day I still feel like paleo is the best food composition for me.) It's true, I drank the Kool-Aid. I see my people at CrossFit. People who have to work for a living and just want to be in shape. I guess that is who I am. I'm not a competitive athlete...anymore. I'm just trying to stay fit and have fun while doing it. I'd love to find some like-minded community.
On a separate note - where do the non-drinkers work out??? Why does the idea of work hard/play hard exist so intrinsically in the world. It is ingrained in my work and fitness? Why does "play hard" include drinking?
My head is in a negative tailspin after riding on a high for months. The key to my happiness, apparently, is having my diet and alcohol consumption under control. If I can't control myself, after all, how do I trust myself? I made the decision 120 days ago to only make choices that encourage self love. I was tired of beating myself up. It worked, for a time.
I'm on a downward spiral at the moment. I want to blame it on hormones. Maybe it is. Regardless, having been sick and unable to train was fine while I was sick. Now I'm suffering from an (another) identity crisis and am unmotivated to go to the gym. Reasons: 1.) I joined with the excitement of trying out my first power lifting competition. Apparently I needed a reminder that squats and deadlifts do not make my body feel good. In fact, nothing about the programming was making me feel good. We've since adjusted. I feel better, but what is the training now for? 2.) It is a power lifting gym that coins the phrase, "Train with a Purpose." WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? It's challenging, but not fun and I don't feel connected to others. 3.) Other than the powerlifters, there are a bunch of really great athletic high school baseball players. I just don't see where my demographic is. The 44 year old woman, crushed that she can't keep up with the youngin's or compete in the strength competitions she wants to.
Pull out your tiny violins please...
So, workouts need to be fun, at least - right? I tried out another local CrossFit gym yesterday. I hate CrossFit, it's true. But I felt at home. (To this day I still feel like paleo is the best food composition for me.) It's true, I drank the Kool-Aid. I see my people at CrossFit. People who have to work for a living and just want to be in shape. I guess that is who I am. I'm not a competitive athlete...anymore. I'm just trying to stay fit and have fun while doing it. I'd love to find some like-minded community.
On a separate note - where do the non-drinkers work out??? Why does the idea of work hard/play hard exist so intrinsically in the world. It is ingrained in my work and fitness? Why does "play hard" include drinking?
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Exercise
I have been active my whole life. Up at sunrise and on my bike. Initially it was an activity, something to occupy my time that was outside of the house. Movement made me happy. Then it became sport. Exercise was core to being a competent team member. It supported the goals of stamina and technical expertise. At some point it became a way to abuse myself, to try to burn calories eaten, to purge myself of the burdens put in my mouth. Eventually exercise again became a way to take care of myself and enjoy movement, sweat, and the burst of endorphins....
I think over the last decade or so it has been a way to prove to myself that my body is still capable and able. Fuck rheumatoid arthritis. Fuck joint pain. Fuck back pain. Pound, pound, pound, pound. Keep up with others. In trying to keep up, it became a necessity. It "negated" all the stress I was putting myself under - like drinking and all the attached mental anguish. Problem is that it just further stressed my body to the point where I now have back pain 24/7. I won't "woe is me" anymore about the back pain or how I got here, but the reality is that I cannot push through it anymore.
The majority of the last two weeks have not included exercise. Granted I've been traveling and sick, but there are a few things I've noticed. It is important to listen to and trust your body vs. your head sometimes. I have had trust issues with myself. The pain is always there whether I move or I don't, however some things hurt less than others. I want to do more of the things that hurt less. My cardiovascular fitness is crap right now. I want to work on that.
I've worked on changing my relationship with myself over the last year, under some pretty crazy circumstances and life changes. It only makes sense that I would be working on my relationship with exercise and fitness.
I think over the last decade or so it has been a way to prove to myself that my body is still capable and able. Fuck rheumatoid arthritis. Fuck joint pain. Fuck back pain. Pound, pound, pound, pound. Keep up with others. In trying to keep up, it became a necessity. It "negated" all the stress I was putting myself under - like drinking and all the attached mental anguish. Problem is that it just further stressed my body to the point where I now have back pain 24/7. I won't "woe is me" anymore about the back pain or how I got here, but the reality is that I cannot push through it anymore.
The majority of the last two weeks have not included exercise. Granted I've been traveling and sick, but there are a few things I've noticed. It is important to listen to and trust your body vs. your head sometimes. I have had trust issues with myself. The pain is always there whether I move or I don't, however some things hurt less than others. I want to do more of the things that hurt less. My cardiovascular fitness is crap right now. I want to work on that.
I've worked on changing my relationship with myself over the last year, under some pretty crazy circumstances and life changes. It only makes sense that I would be working on my relationship with exercise and fitness.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)