Two lives

Ever feel like you're living two lives? 

It could be as simple as how you present yourself at work vs. how you are in the rest of your life. I mean I totally do that. I have tattoos that I don't necessarily want to be the focus of an initial (or any) interaction at work. Additionally, there are so many assumptions made about people with tattoos and frankly mine do not dictate how well I can lead a team, administrate grants, or give a presentation. So I just cover them up always. Speaking of covering them up, there are work clothes to discuss.

I once had a boss who asked if I was going to have to actually dress up in a new role I was leaving him for. (One more reason I left him.) That aside, I often feel like work clothes are a costume. It's one more way the world has dictated what is socially acceptable and it feels confining. I hate feeling like a prisoner to my employer. I do try to at least focus on wearing clothes that are comfortable. (Is the orange jumpsuit comfy?)

Then there is how I feel on the inside about myself and what I see on the outside. They are not the same. This is shifting and something I am working on. There is also the way I cope with the differences. There are ways that I have managed the discrepancies over my lifetime that, on the outside, appear to be so damn mainstream and normal. Regardless, I find this conversation to be complex and deeply embedded in my very being that it is hard to find the words.

This is what I want to say though. We all have coping mechanisms. Mine have caused me to isolate from others, further driving home the message that I'm not cool enough, strong enough, young enough or whatever (insert thing) enough to be real with people. If I put myself out there and get rejected, ridiculed, judged or flat out ignored - what is the point of sharing? Honestly, I live a very fear-based existence these days. Feeling safe is important to me and I have it that feeling acceptable (to others) is a key to that safety.

I've read back over some of my posts on here and can see the ebb and flow of my life over the years. I'm in a very, very new place right now that has me teetering on major shifts and understandings about who I am in this world. I have kept myself so controlled by trying to fit into a box that better justifies and explains how I take up space. I am not a deviant and I am not wrong. I have never fit nicely into that box I've been trying so hard to shove myself into.

My hope is that one day it won't feel like I'm living two lives and that I will have morphed into a person who feels they are worthy of being seen.