Day 90 and onward

I committed to a 90 day alcohol free challenge. Today is day 90. (Insert "happy dance," "I did it dance," and any other celebratory dance you care to do.) I've learned quite a few things about myself along the journey. Some of which are:

• I still prefer to go to bed early and wake up early.
• The drive to exercise isn't as strong, as I'm not making up for calories ingested.
• I love coffee even more.
• I'm so much more confident without booze than with. 
• Pain doesn't go away even when you don't drink and make really great, healthy life decisions, (more on this in a bit). 
• My deadpan sarcasm is back with a vengeance. 
• I don't compare myself to others any more. 
• I laugh more. 
• I sleep better and wake up with a better internal dialogue. 
• I still have fun in social situations when everyone is drinking. In fact, as people get more tipsy and drunk, it becomes even funnier to me. 
• Weight doesn't magically melt off when you don't drink, like I was hoping it would. 
• I don't ruminate...as much.
• I crave beer more, even though I haven't been an avid beer drinker in years. 
• Most importantly, I don't beat myself up incessantly. 

In any case, I was debating a bit about what life after 90 days would look like. I think I'm still going to continue on this journey. There have been so many benefits, and getting off the "work, drink, make bad food choices, exercise, sleep" hamster wheel has truly created a lot of brain space. I am grateful for it all. 

My suggestion to people who are struggling and can't seem to get out of their own way. Find that thing in your life you keep wanting to change. Maybe it's something you find yourself doing when you've had a shit day. Maybe it's something you crave or use as an escape. Does it build you up, or tear you down? Does it foster self-love or self-loathing? If the latter of either of those two -get rid of it. Try life without it and see what happens. Build yourself up. You're the only one who can. If you don't like something, quit complaining and change it. 

Not cool enough

I joined One Year No Beer for a 90 day alcohol free challenge. I'm currently on day 64 and am not sure I'm going back. I've learned some things about myself over the last couple of months.

Growing up, I never felt quite like I fit in. I wasn't part of a clique and any time I got close to one, I found myself wanting out. While I was an athlete in high school, my team wasn't my clique. Except for a couple people, we were not close off the field or court. I had maybe 2 or 3 good friends and even in junior high, those friends proved to be vicious. My perception of the rejection was because I was never girly enough, awake after 9pm enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or cool enough.

There were several points along my life where I made decisions about who I wanted to be. In 5th grade I started wearing what I thought were boys clothes - jeans, boots and sweaters. I started stealing (because that's what boys did), and smoking cigars under the train tracks. That summer before 6th grade I cut my own hair, really, really short. In 8th grade, I decided I didn't need anyone and I was going to wear my home made stuff - mainly tie dye and home made bracelets. In 9th grade, I lost some weight and started wearing skirts. That lasted only a short time, though -- the skirts, that is. That year, I also developed an eating disorder which ended when I got mononucleosis. (Funny enough, that year I got the most approval from my immediate family. I was finally the "girl" they wanted.)

Yeah, I still wasn't cool. My college roommate opened the door to let me into  our dorm, took one look, huffed and turned her back. She moved out a week later after having all her boyfriends call and harass me. I never really related to my own age group. They were suffocating and obnoxious. I didn't fit in, until I started drinking.

I loosened up. I was funny and uninhibited. Albeit, it took a while to develop a tolerance to alcohol. I kept working at it though. I found solace in being a bit altered. It wasn't eating and it became somewhat of a reward. Over the years, I used alcohol to fit in to other groups - rugby, CrossFit, consulting, other jobs, particular day-drinking friends, life... and even now, I'm in a new job and the joke of the day is how each person is going to end their day with the drink of their choice. When drinking, I would often hear about how funny and great I was buzzed.. How people loved me. I have besties made over days of drinking - drunken heart to hearts. People I thought I could relate to on all levels. People I thought would love me through it all.

Not drinking tears away the falsities and shows the flawed thinking. It also has made me acutely aware of my awkwardness and not coolness. I'm hesitant to tell people I don't drink, for fear of not being invited to...you name it. For fear of not fitting in, not being cool enough.

This is where I currently am on this journey. It's ok though. I'm super cool to my wife and son. I feel good in the mornings. I can make good, sober food choices. I am learning a ton about myself. My mind is clear. I can trust myself to follow through and I'm making choices that ultimately build me up, rather than tear me down.

The Agreements

It just happened. A real life example of using one of the lessons from the book, The Four Agreements. How many of you out there have read this book? The Agreements are simple and if used, can eliminate a good deal of suffering.

I JUST USED ONE!! The second Agreement. "Don't take anything personally." Well, actually at first I took something personally. Then I remembered the book and I stopped taking it personally. How freeing.

But seriously, the book talks about how selfish it is to take things personally. Me, me, me! My gut reaction was to take that personally. LOL!!! Guess I have some work to do. Knowledge is power and awareness is key.

Opportunity knocks, or it doesn't

We learned a fascinating lesson this year. What you want to happen doesn't always happen. I know that sounds like common sense, but hear me out.

We decided we were going to move to Atlanta this spring. We set up a timeline and I started looking for work. I have confidence and am good at what I do, so I didn't think it would take long. Almost immediately I landed an interview for what I thought would be the perfect job. I normally love interviews. They give me a chance to strut my stuff and learn about the people I'm talking with and the institution they are working for. I won't bore you with all the details, but they asked me about the NIH institutes and their acronyms. Seriously??? I can find that stuff on the interwebs. Not only could I not answer their questions, I also gave the wrong name for one of the acronyms. The HORROR!!

I walked away from that interview a little less confident and without a job.

Now it shouldn't have mattered as there are three major institutions of higher education down there - all of which are research intensive. There are a million research administration jobs. I should know, I applied for all of them. I also went to a professional conference and landed a van ride back to the airport with the VP for Research at one of them. She told me they were hiring and that there were tons of positions. So I sent her my resume when I got home.

Ask me how many calls I got? Crickets. Not one.

In the meantime, the wifey got a promotion at work and was fast tracked into the management program. The Universe was speaking to us.

So here we are, still in Massachusetts - shifting, growing, learning and staying in a liberal state that supports my family. 

Here's to all the new adventures that await us.

Work day blues

Why must work be so excrutiatingly ____? (You fill in the blank.)
Why do I feel so stuck in this career?
How on earth could I make a career shift and still make enough to cover our bills?
How do I make this job better?

I don't have the answer to any of these questions, but this has been a problem that has plagued me for years and years. I jump around hoping that something will stick or click. Only the problem isn't with the job, right? It's with me.

Self help books tell me to change my point of view. Choose happiness over negativity. Negotiate a new position. Change my scenery. Make sure I'm using my free time doing enjoyable things. Continue to put in high quality work. On and on and on....

The truth is that I want a supportive environment. I want to work with people who have similar interests and goals. I want to know what my boss' goals are. What am I working toward and how am I being supported? I want to engage with others, not as the Lone Ranger, but as part of a larger network within. That is the nature of my work. I can't do what I do any other way.

This is my opportunity to make opportunity. I can venture off the property of my work and engage with others in my field. I can write goals for each day and work to complete three of them. I can break things down into smaller pieces and figure out how each piece fits onto the next.

Or, I could just move on.

The Diet of Suffering

Suffering is optional, right?

I have been on a weight loss journey my whole life. My mother, God love her, put me on the Scarsdale Diet (you know the grapefruit one) at a very young age. I was born with "fat genes," you see, and would have to struggle with it forever. Why? Because she did. The only way to combat it is to maintain control, diet constantly, belittle myself when I gain weight, and assign my own self worth to what the scale says.

When I transitioned from junior high to high school, I had given up red meat and for some reason lost a bunch of weight over the summer. I received positive attention I had never received before. Especially after years of being called "Medusa" and "fat." Of course, that all ended up in an eating disorder, which resulted in praise and adoration by my family about "how skinny I was." My period stopped completely and I ended up spending a summer sick with mononucleosis. Of course I gained all that weight back. At 17, I tried Weight Watchers and lost enough that my coaches noticed. They encouraged me and told me to "stick with it." It was positive attention. I didn't stick with it though, and ended up gaining that weight back also.

The only time I actually had complete freedom from dieting was college. I had "come out" and was considered attractive to other people for the first time. I also hit my heaviest weight ever, started smoking, and stopped working out completely. I had plenty of other struggles during that time, but I don't recall weight being one of the bigger concerns.

In any case, the struggle continues. Yesterday, I completed 12 weeks with my coach, Josh Citron, at Stronger U. The idea is that we track our macros and through the magic of science and the adjustment of a few numbers, the pounds just melt away. I'm not going to lie when I say that this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. To be bombarded with years and years of built up "baggage" around dieting and then to throw in weekly macro targets. Not meeting them has added more fuel to flame self sabotage and negative internal chatter. Regardless, I've lost 16 pounds total since August. Eight of those pounds were with Stronger U.

I'm continuing on another 12 weeks with Josh as I'm still on this journey, learning about myself and how to quiet that mean person inside. It is a process and the point is that, as with all else, suffering is optional. Nothing is good or bad - whether I hit my numbers or not, or the scale goes up or down, or my waist measurement balloons, or I gain all the weight back - I'm still a good person, deserving of love, friendship, and support.

Square Peg, Round Hole

I'm constantly amazed at how social media has changed the world of relationships. Friends= the number of followers you have and basic exchanges over the internet= real conversations. The internet is a dangerous place.

It is full of false relationships. It is full fo the dangers of comparing yourself to others. It is full of avoidance and time suck, escape and wrong information. It is full of false admiration and fake reality.

In trying to envision my goals it has been hard not to squash my own momentum because I saw (on the internet) "so and so" doing "x, y, and z" with "x and y" being what I want to do. I find myself trying to fit into other's ideas, rather than creating my own.

Time to stop trying to fit my square self into someone else's round hole. (I know that sounds so very wrong...)

Regarding the internet, a friend said, "own it, or it will own you."